2 Broken Hearts

[rmt2b]

"We lost the baby"  Hardest words to say, just as hard to hear. Today was the first time I heard my husband say that.  He had to tell someone at work over the phone,and it broke my heart again.  LIstening to the pain in his voice makes me ache. No matter how many times we reassuringly say to others "It's ok, these things happen, we'll recover and try again" it doesn't make me feel any better.  I know how much he was looking forward to us having a baby.  We're grieving together, and I know the wound is still fresh, but I was feeling a bit better today.  Sad, and lost, but I hadn't cried yet today, that is until I heard him break the news to his coworker.  I can't help but feel this wretched amount of guilt.  We are supposed to protect our spouses from the hurts in the world, and here I have caused it.  I am reasured by the medical community and my friends and family, that I didn't do anything to cause the miscarriage, but I can't help but feel like it was my body responsible for ending the pregnancy.  I find myself bouncing from one mood to another throghout the day. One minute I can't wait to try for a baby again, that's followed by a terrifying feeling of 'what if this happens again'? That's followed by the optimism that women are supposedly more fertile after a miscarriage, which is followed by guilt for feeling I need to get pregnant right away to feel better.  I truly miss pregnancy.  I miss the smiles, and the hopes and the dreams for our baby's future. I miss learning about what stage of development we were at.  I miss dreaming of the maternity clothes I was going to get, and I miss looking forward to the changes in me physically. 
I miss feeling like I was protecting this little being who I was so looking forward to meeting. 
I miss me.