posted everyfuckingwhere
I've been generally pissy and discontent for the past few weeks. I'm not exactly sure why; summers are usually pretty good times for me.
I think it has something to do with being out of school and in the workforce for the first time in my life. My actual current job is not the best. I work shitty hours and get paid even worse. But, I do like the clients and the actual work I do and in the end it almost balances out. Work in this field at least has the potential to be good. I get to do something I enjoy and feel like I'm doing something to make the world less shitty. I can live with that.
But somehow, even when I think about the fact that I will hopefully be in a much better place/job two years from now when I have my LCSW and some actual experience, I kind of want to cry when I think about doing this (or anything else) for the next 40 years. I'm sure I'm being melodramatic and that everything will be fine, but I just feel sort of trapped by life right now. It's just like no matter how much or hard I work I never have enough money to even pay my bills and I don't know if I can do this forever. Logic says it won't be like this forever, and also that my life could be sooooooo much harder than it is, but fuck logic.
I also worry that I'm going use up all my emotional energy and burn myself out in a matter of years. I suppose on one hand that would be positive because then I'd not be doing the same thing for the next 40 years, but I'm afraid I'll end up silent, bitter, and cynical.
I'm already starting to question whether the world will ever be anything like I am working for it to be and the answer kind of depresses me. I want to take joy in the little things in life but I keep getting caught up in how shitty we are to each other and how a capitalist economy slowly murders almost all of our souls. And it's hard to take joy in the little things when I feel constantly alientated from most people, places, and things.
I think I'm doing a lot of this to myself. I think I'm caught up in negative thought patterns and can't get up the energy to break out of them and see that things aren't so bad. I know that there are definitely great aspects of my life and of life in general. But I also know how much people can hurt each other and how often it happens. I know how we treat people we see as disposable and I know how little value we give anyone who isn't middle or upper class, white, heterosexual, Christian, and a male identified bio male, or possibly, possibly female identified bio female.
So maybe I'm wrong, overly pessimistic, and just a general downer. But today I'm having a hard time having hope, and that is a hard place to be when I'm trying to help other people who have harder lives than I do (by my standards, although this may be unfair and judgmental and maybe those people would disagree that my life is easeir or better) find some hope of their own.
I think it has something to do with being out of school and in the workforce for the first time in my life. My actual current job is not the best. I work shitty hours and get paid even worse. But, I do like the clients and the actual work I do and in the end it almost balances out. Work in this field at least has the potential to be good. I get to do something I enjoy and feel like I'm doing something to make the world less shitty. I can live with that.
But somehow, even when I think about the fact that I will hopefully be in a much better place/job two years from now when I have my LCSW and some actual experience, I kind of want to cry when I think about doing this (or anything else) for the next 40 years. I'm sure I'm being melodramatic and that everything will be fine, but I just feel sort of trapped by life right now. It's just like no matter how much or hard I work I never have enough money to even pay my bills and I don't know if I can do this forever. Logic says it won't be like this forever, and also that my life could be sooooooo much harder than it is, but fuck logic.
I also worry that I'm going use up all my emotional energy and burn myself out in a matter of years. I suppose on one hand that would be positive because then I'd not be doing the same thing for the next 40 years, but I'm afraid I'll end up silent, bitter, and cynical.
I'm already starting to question whether the world will ever be anything like I am working for it to be and the answer kind of depresses me. I want to take joy in the little things in life but I keep getting caught up in how shitty we are to each other and how a capitalist economy slowly murders almost all of our souls. And it's hard to take joy in the little things when I feel constantly alientated from most people, places, and things.
I think I'm doing a lot of this to myself. I think I'm caught up in negative thought patterns and can't get up the energy to break out of them and see that things aren't so bad. I know that there are definitely great aspects of my life and of life in general. But I also know how much people can hurt each other and how often it happens. I know how we treat people we see as disposable and I know how little value we give anyone who isn't middle or upper class, white, heterosexual, Christian, and a male identified bio male, or possibly, possibly female identified bio female.
So maybe I'm wrong, overly pessimistic, and just a general downer. But today I'm having a hard time having hope, and that is a hard place to be when I'm trying to help other people who have harder lives than I do (by my standards, although this may be unfair and judgmental and maybe those people would disagree that my life is easeir or better) find some hope of their own.