(no subject)
so i found out that a certain someone that i trusted lied to me for sure about atleast a couple things, and im hearing multiple stories about a certain recent event. And now things are even more confusing and fucked up. If that someone is reading this, or the other lj, then i need to know whats really going on, because the whole back and forth, and lies, and contradictions is tearing me up, and i need that person to tell me the truth, as hard as that might be for both of us. That person has said that i am worth telling the truth to before, and apparently lied then. But after hanging on for that person this long, i think i atleast deserve that much, especially after some impulsive actions that have been made, and how ridiculously jealous she got over a rumor which she didnt even check about before posting that she wanted to castrate me. Part of me wants to leave her for good, because it thinks it would be easier, and part of me still wants to defend her, or atleast be understanding. My heart still tells me I love her, even through all this confusion and all the manipulation, and whatever lies. Its just i need to know what the truth is if she can somehow find the strength to tell me. Im not gonna think bad of her if she tells me herself, its if i find out from other people that she lied, that i have an issue then. But at this point, if she cant even be honest with me, then i dont know if she's ready right now for a relationship at all, let alone a committed one. I just need to know the truth about some things and whats going on. That way i can have some piece of mind. And if its that she doesnt even know the truth herself, then fine ill talk to her in a couple months, like she said. Its just this whole thing has fucked me up again, all the back and forth, and i cant keep goin through all this drama and back and forth, because im not gonna come out of this one in one piece if it keeps happening. im barely in one piece from the past couple weeks as it is. And my head sure as hell isnt on straight after that shit. I know she can find a way to tell me what she knows if she knows anything thats going on, to atleast tell me what she does know, its just a matter of whether it matters to her how i feel in this, or whether at this point the only thing that matters is how she feels. Its just at this point, if she wants me to trust her again, then she needs to start by telling me the truth and telling me whats really been going on. Somehow i still feel like she's worth all this though, and that we will be happy together someday.....somehow. Its just right now things are all fucked up, and there's no innocent party in all of this.