Admitting the truth
I've come to the realization that I haven't been taking care of myself very well and have been lying to those around me. I skip breakfast and usually don't get around to eating anything until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I blow off doing schoolwork to look up my smoking fetish stuff to masterbate to for hours at a time, then I find excuses to stay online and look up webcomics or D&D to entertain myself with until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning.
I'm writing this because the question popped in my head around 8:00 last night, "Have you been taking care of yourself?" I answered no and was puzzled why I answered this way. "You know it to be true in your heart and you can lie to yourself and others. But that emptiness will always be there until you start making changes." My inner voice is actually being helpful now instead of degrading. Wow is all that I have to say. I've been dulling myself out trying to ignor this fact but I'm now ready to face it. I'm tired of having people avoiding me or getting upset as well because I'm upset. I hurt too many people by hurting myself. The very thing I've been trying not to do.
I know why I started this lifestyle, again it goes back to my Mama. Hee, I haven't used that name for her in some time. She hurt me so much that the only way I could avoid feeling the pain was to ignore what my needs were and dedicate myself to being a caretaker. Being a caretake fills the gap temporarily but the gap is always there. That's probably why I'm so drawn to being a tutor. It's easy to forget about your problems, if your treating someone else's problems.
I'm writing this not because I'm looking for sympathy but to ease the minds of those around me. I want others understand that I see my problem that has been obvious to everyone around me except myself and that I want to do something about it. I'll be discussing plans with my councillor about some of the ideas I've come up with on what I can do to take care of myself better.
I'm writing this because the question popped in my head around 8:00 last night, "Have you been taking care of yourself?" I answered no and was puzzled why I answered this way. "You know it to be true in your heart and you can lie to yourself and others. But that emptiness will always be there until you start making changes." My inner voice is actually being helpful now instead of degrading. Wow is all that I have to say. I've been dulling myself out trying to ignor this fact but I'm now ready to face it. I'm tired of having people avoiding me or getting upset as well because I'm upset. I hurt too many people by hurting myself. The very thing I've been trying not to do.
I know why I started this lifestyle, again it goes back to my Mama. Hee, I haven't used that name for her in some time. She hurt me so much that the only way I could avoid feeling the pain was to ignore what my needs were and dedicate myself to being a caretaker. Being a caretake fills the gap temporarily but the gap is always there. That's probably why I'm so drawn to being a tutor. It's easy to forget about your problems, if your treating someone else's problems.
I'm writing this not because I'm looking for sympathy but to ease the minds of those around me. I want others understand that I see my problem that has been obvious to everyone around me except myself and that I want to do something about it. I'll be discussing plans with my councillor about some of the ideas I've come up with on what I can do to take care of myself better.