I guess I might as well admit it
I am horribly afraid of angry people. This fear is so bad that I get very anxious, even to the point of tears, if I even hear a twinge of anger or hostility in someone's voice. And if I find out they're angry because of something I did, I get very afraid and feel the urge to shout "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" at the top of my voice and start bowing and lowering my head at the person I supposedly wronged. And if they stay angry at me, and I can't get away or appease them somehow, I start clenching my fists and holding them in front of me like they're going to fight me or something. I know this is highly irrational, and this is causing me no small amount of emotional pain, especially at work where guests can get very cranky at times. And people are very confused, and even turn away from me, when I start going into my highly unusual fight or flight mechanism.
I've been this way for pretty much as long as I can recall. I only realized that this was the source of all the anxiety I've been having last night, when Kate and I were playing a game in the lobby and one of our coworkers started screaming horrible violent profanities and obscenities on the phone and then started yelling at us because two of our friends, not present, had done something he disapproved of. Even though he was not angry at us, the anger in his voice resonated with these deepest fears in my psyche and I broke out into a terrible crying fit--right in front of the man and my friends. I hid in my room for the rest of the night. Apparently there is some part of me that is so afraid of disapproval from and rejection by others, and so terrified of any sort of negative emotion or anger coming from other people, that even though his tirade was in no ways directed at me, I started feeling like he was going to come over to where I was sitting and beat me up. It was like I was in sixth grade again and bullies were taunting me, or like I was in a car with Dad and forced to listen to one of his raging paranoid tirades. And the whole time I felt my own rage building, and I hadn't left when I did it might have gone over the breaking point. I have no clue why I feel like any anger expressed around me at all will lead to horrible violent conflict, but it is so bad that I can't even watch movies where people get mad and yell at people, especially children.
This, coupled with an intense need for approval, makes me into a sniveling toady who will do or say anything to keep people from expressing their anger. I can't even resolve my own conflicts with people meaningfully without instantly taking the submissive position and burying my own anger deep inside. A friend of mine said I dealt with people in positions of power over me by alternately placating and undermining their authority. The problem is, in my fear and paranoia I've put just about everyone in a position of power over me. If any of my friends and/or girlfriends really knew that, they could take advantage of me very easily... until my suppressed rage and resentment hit the boiling point and I destroyed the very relationships I tried so hard to smooth over.
I don't know what to do. I've tried pills, I've tried psychotherapy. I need to learn how to be more assertive and stop caring what other people think, I guess. Eventually I need to learn that anger is healthy to express and that people aren't all just sacks of built-up rage just waiting to release it on the first available target that crosses them. I just don't know how to do that yet.
I've been this way for pretty much as long as I can recall. I only realized that this was the source of all the anxiety I've been having last night, when Kate and I were playing a game in the lobby and one of our coworkers started screaming horrible violent profanities and obscenities on the phone and then started yelling at us because two of our friends, not present, had done something he disapproved of. Even though he was not angry at us, the anger in his voice resonated with these deepest fears in my psyche and I broke out into a terrible crying fit--right in front of the man and my friends. I hid in my room for the rest of the night. Apparently there is some part of me that is so afraid of disapproval from and rejection by others, and so terrified of any sort of negative emotion or anger coming from other people, that even though his tirade was in no ways directed at me, I started feeling like he was going to come over to where I was sitting and beat me up. It was like I was in sixth grade again and bullies were taunting me, or like I was in a car with Dad and forced to listen to one of his raging paranoid tirades. And the whole time I felt my own rage building, and I hadn't left when I did it might have gone over the breaking point. I have no clue why I feel like any anger expressed around me at all will lead to horrible violent conflict, but it is so bad that I can't even watch movies where people get mad and yell at people, especially children.
This, coupled with an intense need for approval, makes me into a sniveling toady who will do or say anything to keep people from expressing their anger. I can't even resolve my own conflicts with people meaningfully without instantly taking the submissive position and burying my own anger deep inside. A friend of mine said I dealt with people in positions of power over me by alternately placating and undermining their authority. The problem is, in my fear and paranoia I've put just about everyone in a position of power over me. If any of my friends and/or girlfriends really knew that, they could take advantage of me very easily... until my suppressed rage and resentment hit the boiling point and I destroyed the very relationships I tried so hard to smooth over.
I don't know what to do. I've tried pills, I've tried psychotherapy. I need to learn how to be more assertive and stop caring what other people think, I guess. Eventually I need to learn that anger is healthy to express and that people aren't all just sacks of built-up rage just waiting to release it on the first available target that crosses them. I just don't know how to do that yet.