Because Robbie-Mello asked for it
Okay, since this is about the only place where I can post without having to worry about certain people reading it, I'm going to do this here.
I've had crushes on girls in the past, but this time it's different. I noticed her from the first moment I saw her. It wasn't just that she was attractive, but she had such a distinctive look and exuded so much confidence and self-assurance about herself and her place in the world... I've always been attracted to that type of personality. That's why it so surprised me later when I learned that she was actually much younger than I.
I knew we would be asked to kiss at some point; at a convention with hundreds of yaoi fans, how could it not happen? But with that one kiss, I knew in my heart that I could no longer deny it. I'm bi, just like I knew all along, and it's all Robbie's fault because I'm absolutely smitten with her. lol
I could just be bi for her, I suppose. I'm not sure yet. But I know that this is a wonderful feeling, and I haven't felt this way in a very long time.
I can't remember the last time I felt flutters in my chest when I get a new message, or warmth spreading in my abdomen when I think about being with her (or having to keep my legs together all the time because I'm thinking about being in bed with her, lol), or just the feeling of being genuinely happy just to like someone, and not feel sad all the time because my life is crap -- which, thank gawd, it no longer is after this past weekend. I have a whole new set of friends. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. I just want to revel in it and dream of times ahead.
I like to think about her soft mouth, her smooth skin, her sexy stomach... But even more than that, I love the way she laughs, I love her outlook on life, and I love how we seemed as drawn to each other as moths to a flame -- as the old cliche goes. I love how her cloudy eyes reflect emotions felt deep inside, and that I was so acutely aware of this that I couldn't look her in the eye for long and had to concentrate on every other aspect of her body. lol
Doesn't help that she has a mind as dirty as mine. lol. A major part of the reason why my last relationship failed is because his interest in sex dwindled down to almost nil after I started losing weight. (Course, it was already heading down that road.) So, it's a little bit intimidating to be exposed to someone who's interested in you in the same way as you are them. While a lot of this is began as a sexual attraction, I can assure you that there's more to it than that.
I remember her kisses more clearly than the rest the con, to be perfectly honest. I remember thinking how wonderfully soft and warm her mouth was. I feel a slight ache that I never took things a little further, didn't get at least a little more aggressive when certain times called for it; but on the other hand, I'm just grateful that any of it happened at all, and that she feels the same way.
I only have two worries right now.
One is not knowing where the boundaries are with her. I don't know how far to take things; whether I might take them too far or not enough. Both, taken to the extreme, would cause alienation, and that's the last thing I want right now. Not just for myself, but because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. That's why I'm more or less had to fall back on my uke-nature. She's told me that she is desired by many people, and I don't want to become just another adoring -- but annoying -- fangirl, someone who pushes hard for something which may not even be there. (Yes, I'm insecure, I'm sorry, but after so many years, it's hard not to be. I'm not unbearably so or anything; I'm just stating this for the record.) I know from experience that I'm very good at putting people off. More than anything, I don't wan't it to happen with her. (Hence why I'm incredibly nervous about her reading this...)
The other worry is my mother finding out -- at least at this point in time -- since I know she never forgave one of my half-sisters for turning out gay. While she has nothing against gay people in particular, she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want any it in her own family. (Though, as I said, I'm bi, not gay, but she equates that with promiscuity. *eyeroll*) And I *know* she won't approve of the age difference. To me, it means virtually nothing, because immature age doesn't necessarily equate to immature emotions or mentality. Too many people grow up too fast due to life's circumstances. I know, I've been there.
Regardless, I will postpone telling my mother about my particular revelation for as long as I can... at least until after Anime Expo. (She is laying down a lot of money for me to go, after all. Best not risk blowing this chance by saying something that might cause everything to be cancelled.)
The fact is that this is so unlike any relationship (and I suppose it is a relationship, just by virtue of the fact that we know and relate to each other) that I have ever had that I don't want to screw things up on the first try. So, if it's okay with her, I'd like her to set the pace of things and I will gladly follow along. It's almost impossible to take things too far with me if I truly, honestly like you, and I really, really like her. ^_^
lol, There, are you satisfied now?
I've had crushes on girls in the past, but this time it's different. I noticed her from the first moment I saw her. It wasn't just that she was attractive, but she had such a distinctive look and exuded so much confidence and self-assurance about herself and her place in the world... I've always been attracted to that type of personality. That's why it so surprised me later when I learned that she was actually much younger than I.
I knew we would be asked to kiss at some point; at a convention with hundreds of yaoi fans, how could it not happen? But with that one kiss, I knew in my heart that I could no longer deny it. I'm bi, just like I knew all along, and it's all Robbie's fault because I'm absolutely smitten with her. lol
I could just be bi for her, I suppose. I'm not sure yet. But I know that this is a wonderful feeling, and I haven't felt this way in a very long time.
I can't remember the last time I felt flutters in my chest when I get a new message, or warmth spreading in my abdomen when I think about being with her (or having to keep my legs together all the time because I'm thinking about being in bed with her, lol), or just the feeling of being genuinely happy just to like someone, and not feel sad all the time because my life is crap -- which, thank gawd, it no longer is after this past weekend. I have a whole new set of friends. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. I just want to revel in it and dream of times ahead.
I like to think about her soft mouth, her smooth skin, her sexy stomach... But even more than that, I love the way she laughs, I love her outlook on life, and I love how we seemed as drawn to each other as moths to a flame -- as the old cliche goes. I love how her cloudy eyes reflect emotions felt deep inside, and that I was so acutely aware of this that I couldn't look her in the eye for long and had to concentrate on every other aspect of her body. lol
Doesn't help that she has a mind as dirty as mine. lol. A major part of the reason why my last relationship failed is because his interest in sex dwindled down to almost nil after I started losing weight. (Course, it was already heading down that road.) So, it's a little bit intimidating to be exposed to someone who's interested in you in the same way as you are them. While a lot of this is began as a sexual attraction, I can assure you that there's more to it than that.
I remember her kisses more clearly than the rest the con, to be perfectly honest. I remember thinking how wonderfully soft and warm her mouth was. I feel a slight ache that I never took things a little further, didn't get at least a little more aggressive when certain times called for it; but on the other hand, I'm just grateful that any of it happened at all, and that she feels the same way.
I only have two worries right now.
One is not knowing where the boundaries are with her. I don't know how far to take things; whether I might take them too far or not enough. Both, taken to the extreme, would cause alienation, and that's the last thing I want right now. Not just for myself, but because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. That's why I'm more or less had to fall back on my uke-nature. She's told me that she is desired by many people, and I don't want to become just another adoring -- but annoying -- fangirl, someone who pushes hard for something which may not even be there. (Yes, I'm insecure, I'm sorry, but after so many years, it's hard not to be. I'm not unbearably so or anything; I'm just stating this for the record.) I know from experience that I'm very good at putting people off. More than anything, I don't wan't it to happen with her. (Hence why I'm incredibly nervous about her reading this...)
The other worry is my mother finding out -- at least at this point in time -- since I know she never forgave one of my half-sisters for turning out gay. While she has nothing against gay people in particular, she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want any it in her own family. (Though, as I said, I'm bi, not gay, but she equates that with promiscuity. *eyeroll*) And I *know* she won't approve of the age difference. To me, it means virtually nothing, because immature age doesn't necessarily equate to immature emotions or mentality. Too many people grow up too fast due to life's circumstances. I know, I've been there.
Regardless, I will postpone telling my mother about my particular revelation for as long as I can... at least until after Anime Expo. (She is laying down a lot of money for me to go, after all. Best not risk blowing this chance by saying something that might cause everything to be cancelled.)
The fact is that this is so unlike any relationship (and I suppose it is a relationship, just by virtue of the fact that we know and relate to each other) that I have ever had that I don't want to screw things up on the first try. So, if it's okay with her, I'd like her to set the pace of things and I will gladly follow along. It's almost impossible to take things too far with me if I truly, honestly like you, and I really, really like her. ^_^
lol, There, are you satisfied now?