I Love You (Closed, AIM - Log, Complete)
Byakuya: When he arrived at the house, the first thing Byakuya wanted was a shower. He didn’t know why. Not really. The thought of being in a private room just called to him and the first thing that popped into his head was the shower. So, after a brief statement to Renji about where he would be, he headed up. Soon enough, he was in the bathroom, door shut but not locked, and the hot water was beating down his back.
Under the burning spray, Byakuya thought. His thoughts ran rampant through his mind for the first time in a long time. The only other time this happened, the only other time he let his mind open itself to the chaos of these thoughts, was the first night at the inn. When the wounds on his heart were open and fresh.
Byakuya had no idea what to do with himself now that he was back home with Renji. He couldn’t decide if he wanted the redhead nearby or as far away from him as possible. He also couldn’t decide what he wanted from Renji as well.
Byakuya stayed in the shower for a long time. So long that the hot water had completely run out. Byakuya had managed to distract himself before then by washing and cleaning himself. But now the water was ice cold and he still didn’t care. Not one bit. It was all because as soon as he went to turn the spray off a stray thought entered his mind. A single sentence that, until now, hadn’t resurfaced since that first night at the inn. This single thought caused Byakuya’s hand to fall away from its path and send his body crashing to its knees on the harsh, smooth porcelain. His knees throbbed briefly and Byakuya sat back so that he rested on folded legs. All his could do was stare at a random spot ahead of him, his hair plastered to his face and neck, and his hands limp at his sides.
‘I have never felt so used,’ was that terrible thought.
Everyone knew, including Byakuya himself, that the 6th Division captain was notorious for never showing emotion. Ever. Until Renji came into his life. It had become increasingly difficult to keep that stoic look about his face during the Ryoka incident and now here, in Rivelata… it just… Byakuya had never felt more happy or comfortable showing what he felt to the man he knew he still loved. Renji had promised. PROMISED. Had it really all been for nothing? Had all their time together, getting to know each other far better than they ever did when they were just Captain and Lieutenant… had it really all been for naught?
Renji’s loud and emotion-filled apology in the journals would have told Byakuya otherwise but… the captain was so scared. He couldn’t help it. He probably shouldn’t even give his Lieutenant this chance. But Byakuya gave it to him anyway.
Because Byakuya couldn’t stop loving that man. But even that could not take away that feeling… that feeling of being… being used.
It scared him to death.
It kept him from leaving the bath. The ice cold water still beating against his white, pale back. Goosebumps rose upon his flesh and shivers wracked his frame. His lips were turning an unhealthy shade of purple.
It kept him from moving at all.
Because Byakuya was so very scared.
Renji: Renji felt like absolute shit.
I’m disgusting.
He felt like the dirt on him from the opium den and his own stupidity, his own cruelty, had become so ingrained into his flesh it couldn’t be washed out even if he tried. Byakuya seemed to be taking his time cleaning himself though - not that the captain had done anything Renji thought needed to be cleansed. No, Byakuya hadn’t done anything wrong at all. He didn’t deserve the pain Renji had put him through.
He threw a lamp across the living room, silently howling as it shattered against the fireplace, and it did nothing to alleviate his tension.
It took him almost an hour to realize how long Byakuya had been gone, and then the rest of the hour to gather the courage to go and seek him out. Maybe Byakuya wanted to be alone? Renji was glad his lover had come back, to be sure, but… how long would it be till Byakuya could actually stand to be close to him at all?
He took the steps slowly, and hesitated at the bathroom door. Finally, he gave it a single knock.
“…Byakuya?” he mumbled, the very soundwaves of his voice unsure.
Byakuya: Byakuya flinched as he heard Renji’s voice through the door, just barely.
Should he get out? Should he say anything?
Byakuya didn’t know.
That thought alone made him hug himself, his body tilting and curling until Byakuya was on his side in a ball, his arms tucked close to his body and his knees drawn up to his face.
Byakuya stayed silent, still wondering what he should do as the ice water continued to beat down on him, his hair plastered messily to his face and neck.
Renji: No answer. Renji’s heart plummeted even farther through his feet.
He took a shuddering breath. Unwelcome or not, he should check on his captain, he reasoned. Byakuya had developed a history of nearly killing himself entirely by accident when not taking care of his body.
The door clicked open, and slowly, Renji stepped inside. The sight of Byakuya curled up like that made Renji want to hold him far too close and not let him go till this whole thing passed - but he also felt like if he reached out to touch him, he might flinch.
“’Kuya…”
He faltered, not knowing what to say.
Byakuya: Byakuya gave a small, shuddering gasp.
Renji was in the room and he still didn’t know what to do.
“G-Go away…” it slipped out before he could stop himself and his chattering teeth only made it worse. “Please…”
Renji: Had the hole in his chest reopened? It felt like it had.
Byakuya hadn’t drowned, at least, and that was the best thing to be said about the situation. Never had Renji felt more like the scum he’d always been told he was.
Eyes stinging, he left the bathroom and closed the door behind him, but he didn’t turn away. He rested his forehead on the door, hand still on the doorknob, and took the heaving breaths that happen when a body is fighting to hold back tears and slowly losing the battle.
Byakuya: Byakuya wanted Renji to go away.
Byakuya wanted Renji to stay.
Byakuya wanted… Renji.
Could he really call him back? Could the Nobleman really open his heart for his Lieutenant once more? Give his heart another chance at shattering so completely?
Byakuya didn’t know.
He knew… he knew that Renji was sorry. That Renji felt so completely horrible about what he had done. Byakuya hadn’t been blind to it. It allowed Byakuya to realize that he could really take that chance. That it may be worth it.
But would he?
“R-Renji?” He stuttered, he wasn’t sure if the showerhead was too loud and Byakuya would be unheard. “I didn’t-didn’t m-mean it. I-I’m-…”
Byakuya was so very cold as the water continued to rain down on him.
Renji: Renji didn’t catch any meaning, but heard the stutter.
Idiot, you’re forgettin’ to take care of yerself again-
“’Kuya…” his voice wavered, but he took a strong breath through his nose and it steadied again. Once more he opened the door, this time only a crack.
“It’s gotta be fuckin’ freezin’ in there. Get outta the shower.”
His voice was low, very low. He didn’t want to presume Byakuya would listen.
Byakuya: Byakuya could barely hear Renji.
But he knew what Renji could be saying, there was no other reason for him to talk to him, anyway. And even Byakuya knew how he forgets to take care of himself.
But… he couldn’t bring himself to turn off the shower. In all honestly, Byakuya didn’t think he could reach up to turn it off. So, he just curled tighter, his skin making slight squeaking sounds on the porcelain.
Renji: Renji waited a moment, then two. Byakuya didn’t move. His lips were blue.
Without thinking, he strode over to the bathtub, threw the remaining closed curtains open, and shut off the water.
Suddenly he remembered Byakuya’s earlier words. Go away. He hadn’t heard him amend them.
Renji swallowed and chanced a look at his shivering captain.
“You… you alright?”
Byakuya: The onslaught of cold water had suddenly disappeared and Byakuya moved his eyes to the side, where he saw Renji’s form in the haze of his hair.
Without the cold, his body was trying to warm up now and his shivering grew in intensity.
And then he heard Renji’s question.
No. Byakuya was not alright. He didn’t know if he ever would be. He was lying naked on the floor of his bath tub, his… his… Renji was looking down at him, and, worst of all, he felt so broken. So completely and utterly broken.
It was… unbefitting of him. But this time… he didn’t even have his family here to force him through it. He had no one.
And so, he lied there.
Byakuya finally answered, in a mere whisper, “No.”
Warmth suddenly lined his eyes, warmth so sudden it felt hot on his cold skin.
Byakuya was crying. Again. His hand flew to him mouth to try and hide the sob that nearly broke free.
Why? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t they be how they were before?! With Renji holding him? Loving him? So completely?
Byakuya wanted it again. He wanted it all. He hated this cold, he hated this whole thing.
He hated it.
Byakuya wanted Renji, above all. And this time, the sob tore free, only slightly muffled by his hand.
He forgot that Renji was with him, in this bathroom.
Renji: What was left of Renji, the construction of himself he’d made to keep composure for Byakuya’s sake, fell away entirely when he heard those sobs. And as much as he felt touching Byakuya at the moment was sullying something, he had to have him in his arms.
“Byakuya…” he whispered, and his voice cracked and shuddered.
All of a sudden, it seemed, Renji was in the tub with Byakuya, arms around him, tears burning his eyes. The water on the porcelain soaked through his clothes, but he didn’t care.
He’d flash stepped, and not for a moment had it registered in his mind that he had done so. He held Byakuya as close as he dared, cheeks sizzling with tear tracks.
Then he realized what he’d done. With a slow, uneven breath in and out, he waited for Byakuya to wriggle out of his arms, but would take any contact he could before that happened.
His thoughts didn’t come in words, but more in feelings. His heart physically ached with love and guilt and sadness, and he kept pulling Byakuya closer, as if skin to skin was not close enough contact.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I’m sorry I’m sorry I hope someday you can forgive me I love you…
Renji let his tears flow, and they hijacked his breathing and his sight and oh, god he loved the smell of Byakuya’s hair, wet or not, and it was so good to be here again, holding Byakuya in his arms. Despite the fact that they were crying in a bathtub, their position, the way their limbs were tangled, felt good. Right, somehow.
I love you, ‘Kuya. I do.
Forgive me, someday.
Byakuya: Byakuya gave a hitching gasp when the sudden warmth engulfed him, surrounded him. Renji’s forgotten presence was now all around him and everything within Byakuya just exploded.
He wriggled and managed to turn himself around without leaving Renji’s oh-so-warm embrace and buried his head into Renji’s chest and cried. He cried and cried and cried. He hit Renji’s chest multiple times with his fist, murmuring a multitude of “Why?!” with his own hiccupping sobs.
Byakuya had no idea how long he did this, but he once he started, he just couldn’t stop. It was like a dam opened within him and everything just burst free.
His cries were loud and muffled and he was a complete mess, shaking and shivering, and he was also stark naked. But neither of them cared as Byakuya cried and cried and CRIED.
Renji: Renji tried to stroke Byakuya’s hair and plant kisses on his skin wherever he could, but the thudding on his chest from Byakuya’s fist and the vibrations from both their hacked breathing made it difficult.
Renji had no answer for why, and he felt guilty for that, too. But somehow he sensed that Byakuya’s tears were not all for him - that the captain was releasing old, old feelings he’d pent up years ago but had never allowed to come out until right here, right now.
With every thump of the fist on his chest, Renji felt Byakuya’s anguish explode through his scars and nerves, a frustrated, silent howl about the loss of Hisana, about the near execution of Rukia, about Renji’s own impalement and now addiction…
He pulled Byakuya even closer, and began to reply subconsciously to each ‘why’.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured though his hot tears, over and over.
Byakuya: Byakuya’s fist stopped beating Renji, his lips stopped asking the same question.
His hands now gripped Renji’s shirt in a white-knuckled grip, pressing himself as close as he could, his mouth still uttered loud sobs into that chest, and he didn’t want Renji to let go.
“Please, don’t leave me!” He cried out before dissolving into tears once more, hiccupping so bad he was barely able to get that one sentence out alone.
Renji: “Babe, I’m never gonna leave you, ever,” Renji swore though his tears and his surprise that that would come out of Byakuya’s mouth. Not that his promises might mean much to Byakuya at the moment, but Renji, at least, knew he meant it.
“I’m here, ‘Kuya, and I don’t plan on that changin’. Ever.” He punctuated it with a squeeze. “I love you.”
Byakuya: And why should that make him cry harder than he already was?
Because Byakuya knew. He knew that Renji meant every word. Every single word. If he didn’t, Renji would not be here crying as well.
“I-I love y-you… too…” Spilled from his lips before Byakuya could stop them. And then he realized… he didn’t want to stop them.
Byakuya cried even harder, harder than ever before. His body was wracked with hitching cries and hiccupping breaths, shaking his very frame.
Renji: Renji’s tears were quiet now, and flowed freely, though he barely noticed. Byakuya was pressed into his body, and Renji held him as he heaved.
Byakuya seemed to him like the sort of man who hadn’t cried in centuries. Renji, on the other hand, cried whenever it was necessary - although he wasn’t a wuss. Betraying the person he loved in the way Renji had done had warranted tears. They rolled off his eyelashes and into Byakuya’s wet hair, where they shook with the smaller man’s sobs.
His tears never stopped, but Renji was glad. Glad that Byakuya was back where he belonged - with him - and could still honestly say he loved him. For all that Renji did not deserve that love at the moment, he had it, and though he cried and would for a long time yet, in a strange way he was happy.
Byakuya: It was a long time before Byakuya was finally able to stop crying, his breathing still hitching. But he never moved his face from Renji’s chest, buried in the warmth. Things would by no means go back to normal but… this was a start.
And Byakuya was so exhausted now. He hiccupped but stayed silent, not saying a word. He knew he was an absolute mess, his face probably looked like a punching bag.
“R-Ren-Ren-ji?” He gasped out, muffled into that chest. “Ca-Can w-we…” He couldn’t speak with his hiccups but he was also very tired and didn’t want to be in this tub anymore. It made him frustrated and his forehead was starting to hurt from all the crying. But he didn’t want Renji to leave. Not now.
Byakuya needed him.
Renji: Renji pressed a kiss to Byakuya’s forehead.
“Let’s head to the bed, then,” he murmured. “I’ll keep you close.”
He helped Byakuya up gingerly, keeping their body contact as much as possible, then picked him up slowly. Careful not to slip, he carried Byakuya close to his body out of the bathroom and onto the bed. Renji joined Byakuya under the covers, arms once more around that pale waist.
“This okay?”
Byakuya: Byakuya buried his face into Renji’s chest, mindful of the tearstains already there and nodded.
His breathing finally calmed and his body relaxed. Was it really okay to be like this so soon? Byakuya didn’t know. He didn’t want to find out.
Byakuya just pressed himself closer and his mind pulled him into the realm of sleep, of which he sorely needed.
Renji: I don’t deserve you.
The thought floated unhurriedly into his head and settled in firm.
Renji’s eyebrows knit as he thought about it, and he felt progressively worse. He was a liar, an addict and a royal asshole. Byakuya was actually a royal, in a way, and was upright and honest and yes, a bit of a stick in the mud, but he’d learned to be downright sweet over time. He never lied, he never took the easy way out, and he would never, ever betray him.
You deserve someone better, ‘Kuya.
He squeezed Byakuya in his arms. But I wanna stay. So I guess I have to get better at more than just swordfightin’, eh?
Gimme a little time, babe. I’ll be deservin’ of you. I’ll work hard. Promise.