O. Frabjous-Dey's Uncannily Accurate Reviews #1: T. G. I. Friday's To Go
BURGER? I HARDLY EVEN KNOW 'ER!
O. FRABJOUS-DEY REVIEWS T. G. I. FRIDAY'S TO GO
I'm going to begin by telling you a story about a cashier that tried to screw me over but instead screwed over the suffering. Not that this should automatically bias my review of T. G. I. Friday's To Go; I'm just pointing this out for the sake of narrative.
I was in an airport with my associate, Joanna, getting ready to fly from Providence to San Francisco, and we thought we'd get us a chicken parmesan sandwich and a plain burger so we'd have energy for the trip.
We grabbed a drink and rolled up to the counter, where the cashier immediately stiffed me.
Instead of $80.20, she gave me $80.11 in change. Like a fool, she thought I wouldn't notice that she'd given me a penny instead of a dime. Furious, I put my change in the little charity coin box that fast food restaurants restaurants have sometimes at the register. Because of her tomfoolery, poor children with cancer are $.09 poorer than ever.
This is as close as you can come to actually punching a little girl dying of leukemia without breaking the law.
To T. G. I. Friday's To Go: I'm not saying that your employee Megan from Providence is necessarily a cancer-girl-puncher, or, worse, some kind of dirty atheist; I'm just saying it's a possibility we can't afford to rule out at this point.
Let me also say, T. G. I. Friday's To Go, that chicken parmesan doesn't mean that you take a shitty piece of chicken ass, fry up some rubbery cheese, and stack them into a bun. Usually the chicken itself is breaded, melted cheese is applied to it, and the whole thing is liberally coated in mariana sauce. Instead of a chicken parmesan, you basically gave me some chicken and some parmesan. T. G. I. Friday's To Go, this is like asking for ice cream and receiving ice and cream. Or asking for a cookie and being given a cook and a key. So as fond as I am of wordplay, this is just insulting. You're a bad offshoot of a diner chain. Not a malicious genie that should try and entrap me by finding a loophole in my self-centered burger wish.
OVERALL SCORE
T. G. I. FRIDAY'S TO GO
PRESENTATION
3
CONTENT
1
RE-EAT VALUE
0
DECEPTION PENALTY
-1
WHO WOULD LIKE IT?
Cancer-girl punchers
Malicious genies
Fans of wordplay
IS IT SHIT?
Yes