Insomniac attack
It's odd. As i sat on my couch, i absently wondered why it was i couldn't tolerate jeannas boyfriend, Matt, in anything more than small increments. It isn't that i totally dislike him. On the contrary, he has several traits i quite admire. He's hilarious, thoughtful, and generous. He treats jeanna like a queen. So no, it isnt that i dont like him, precisely. So I sat there, pondering, WHAT exactly was it that caused me to react so negatively towards his presence, at times. I began to compare him to jeanna's ex-boyfriend, Darrell. I adored the hell out of him. So what was so different between them that could explain such a drastic gap in affection? Then it dawned on me, suddenly, like a blast of lightning! It was their perception of me. That was what caused the distortion. They both liked me, yes. They both respected my position in jeannas life. But where Darrell was content being my equal in Jeanna's life, Matt seems to be gunning for the #1 spot, alone. That's what bugs me about him! I had finally pinpointed it! He knows who has the most influence with Jeanna. Me!!! hmm..Matt... i just know deep down inside that he wouldn't be appeased with me being as important to jeanna as him. It's evident in his competitive nature, in the way he tries to make it so jeanna can't survive without him. And the way he always tests the limit. Tries to see exactly how much he can get jeanna to do for him. Thats why he bothers me. Because he's a threat to my relationship with jeanna. Even if my mind couldn't percieve it, my heart knew it. jeanna just my twin. She's my second half. My bestestestest friend. She's as much a part of me as my right hand. I almost take for granted that she's always there. Just like you would your hand... until it was cut off. I'm not saying Matt is bent on severing my bond with jeanna. I don't believe he's that vindictive. I just think he means to surpass my importance to jeanna. I don't like that. Maybe it's weird to feel so strongly about the situation but, nevertheless, that's what it is. It's not jealousy. When jeanna was with darrell, i was cool. Darrell was as important to her as i was. And that was fine. But Matt... maybe you'd just have to know him, but... it's incredibly apparent that he could never be content with being anything less than top of the priority list with his girlfriend. So everytime it hits me that he's integrating himself further into jeannas's soul, i get irritable. That's why i need breaks from him. He's a constant notice of something i really don't want to happen but seems to be inevitable. We've already become so distant. Ahhhh! i don't know. There's nothing anyone can really say that could possibly help me. I just needed to get my thoughts down in words.