there are parts of me(rant)
that i just want to stomp beneath the soles of my docs. stomp and crush and grind til theres absolutely nothing left. then i would never hurt again. the part of me that confuses sex and love, the part of me that( foolish twit) needs people, the part of me that gets excited and starts looking ahead to things... i want to rip all those chunks out and just stomp and crush and grind them up until theres absolutely nothing left. then i will never be disppointed again. i will be fine by tomorrow.. but tonight if i wasnt still getting over bronchitis i would have a pack of smokes and a bottle of vodka in my hand and i wouldnt have to feel like this.... tim such a pathetic piece of shit sometimes.. i loathe myself at the moment.. its like oo did the little girl get her feelings hurt by the big bad boy? stupid little bitch you know what you should use men for... they are fine as friends but keep them the hell away from your heart. im not even that bitter i just got to write this shit down before i implode. im am so ugly and disgusting to myself at this exact moment.. look at me eyes all red.. nose running ears pricking up at the sound of a car door.. god what a pathetic cow. UFKC THIS STUPID LITTLE BITCH! how did i get trapped in this body!!!!!! ugh;.. this was my crazy.. i was probably never exactly sane and then you let me make the choices i have made, throw in the shit that wasnt my fault( and they are prolly about equals amounts) and ive gone nutty as hell with nothing to do for the past three years but cook clean, take care of my son and fuck whoever i was fucking at the moment.. leaves ya with alot of time for self introspection........ i fucking hate me. i hate the cow who fucks everyone in the hopes that someone will love her and i hate this little goodytwo shoes bitch thats let D hurt her so bad and over nothing..... just a hopeful little twit getting her silly feelings hurt over nothing. its just... i get so damn lohnely here by myself with the baby all day.. and when he says hes gonna come i get so damn excited.. and then he needs a break calls says hes not coming.. and i got up at 6 this morning cleaned his house cleaned my house.. did his laundry.. took a shower got all pretty and hes not coming.. and my heart just... does this.. explodes into sniveling, and im sane enough to know he shouldnt spend every waking moment of everyday with me.. but i cant help it i just feel so..... nasty ugly unwanted. ugh.. im tired now.. emotions sapped me.. dont worry i havent gone off the deep end any more then usual.. i just needed to let that crap out.. and i dint want to do it by drinking or smoking or fucking or cutting .. i figured this was the best way. hell i wouldnt want to be with me.. why should he...yeha i know im crazy.. judge away.