spiderman and my daddy
the first spiderman always makes me miss my dad a little bit extra. peter and aunt may spend so much time talking about how they miss uncle ben and how hard things are without him. the truth is, things were harder when dad was around. dad was the kind of guy that made dram happen, he caused problems among the family, and near the end it was worse than ever. but for all the problems that stemmed from him, he made so many good things happen too. i would never have been to mexico if it werent for him, or disney world or montana. well maybe montanta, but not the hot springs and the lake, or any of the other amazing places he took us. now that he's gone, its like every good memory i had from all those times are a little bit sour now, from the loss. its hard to think about how happy we all were, and how much fun we had together, when i know that its never going to be like that agian. i'm not saying we cant have fun together anymore, because we still do from time to time, but its not the same. and as soon as we're done having fun, its just a little bit sad, because everyone starts thinking about dad, and how much fun he could have. i really miss him, more than even i know sometimes, and every now and then i think about all the things we did that i loved about him so much, and its just hits me again that he's gone, and i dont quite know how to deal with that yet, besides to just block it out and ignore it until i get distracted. i feel guilty for trying to keep him out of my head, and at the same time i know that if i let him in i'll spend way to much time crying and looking through photo albums, and needing to be hugged by a man whos never going to hug me again. its wierd that this is all coming out now, cuz when it happened i was strong and tough and i held it together and stayed strong. maybe i was just waiting until everyone else had pulled it together and gotten it out of their systems before i let myself break down. or maybe i'm just having a weak moment, i dont know. but whatever it is, it hurts like a bitch, and i'm not watching spiderman again for at least a month.