Outside/Inside and vice versa
So where was I? I really feel like I've been losing myself more and more. I feel no positive attachments to anything at all. Like I'm losing my grip on the things that matter. I mean not in a stupid way like 'I don't give a shit about my family' kinda way, but more like I just don't know what my mind is trying to tell me. I also feel like I'm being used. That or I also feel like I can't stand up for myself if need be. I'm failing miserably. And not even by any means of how society labels failure, just how I see it in my own mind.
Which leads to my current thought process. It's like an uninterrupted flow of self-awareness mixed with massive anxiety. I can't even begin to describe how much I dislike people. I stopped myself just now from putting hate instead of dislike. I don't like that I use the word hate so much. I think it's what makes me have that very extreme outlook on people because I use it so often. But anyway, yeah the awareness/anxiety. It's a bitch! I've been starting to seriously wonder if I could have a slight form of bi-polar disorder.
I can't seem to focus properly and I don't even see it as my own fault. I'll use the metaphor of a free bird being kept in a cage. In the wild the bird is able to be who it is and fly free among the rest of the animals. Though capture one and put it in a cage and suddenly it feels that it can't be what it is anymore. Nothing physically has changed about the bird, but it knows there's been a change. I feel the same way. Around my family I feel like I can do what I always do. I can act like a retard and it's ok. But you get me with my friends and I'm nothing like I am at home. I get all weird and mindful of what's going on around me. What's funny is it's not even all of my friends who I feel that way with. And I just don't want to sound like a retard all the time is the thing. Why don't I talk about things that I care about? Because nobody around me cares about it.
I know exactly what I need to fix it too. Above all else there is one thing that immediately changes all the wrongs and makes them right. It's almost funny. The simplicity in it yet still very complex and confusing. Cliche: Eyes are the gateways to the soul. Now I kind of take a simpler look at it and just feel that it gives a sort of healing effect. I hate people looking at me and yet it's the one thing I want more than anything. Not just anybody though. You have to have that look in your eyes that says everything and nothing at the same time. That look that you fall into because you can't help it and can't get out of because you don't want to.
Past two nights I've had some really great dreams. Genuinely happy dreams. The kind that make you never want to wake up again. Where you wake up and feel the weight of the world suddenly slamming you back into reality, slapping you across the face and saying 'ha you suck...good morning!'. Where you try for almost an hour trying to fall back asleep so you can get one more moment. Just one more small fragment of that smile that would make you complete if only for that moment. Like is it even possible to even try to make someone understand? Nobody sees things like I do. Ever. Quite possibly could be the reason for my detachment with some friends.
Here's another. Old co-worker of mine finding herself in bad situations with husbands. Them taking advantage and treating her like shit and she doesn't do anything about it but suppress her feelings while very noticeably looks like she's falling apart at the seams because of it. Goes as far as even blaming herself for the problems that her husband brings her. I would hate to be her age and having to deal with humans in that sense of it. Fuck..that. Makes you wish certain things weren't illegal to do. Sadly it's a fact she isn't the only one having to deal with that either. So not only is it never a guarantee that love will ever work out be you straight or gay, but even if it does work out chances are most people never find it truly meaningful. That it's just something to be thrown around like the word hate or love. Or even that down the line one or the other may just leave for various reasons be it to cheat, to run away from problems, or to run towards more problems (ie. heavy drugs and what not). Doomed to live without that which fuels life.
Now here's the kicker. I know most people don't realize how bad it is to be gay sometimes. And not in the way that straight people think of it. Like the first thing people think about is the gay butt sex and all that and that's what they think is the bad thing about being gay. Like the physical nature of it or something and how immoral they think it is. But what I mean by how bad it is is just look at the different societies. Straight and gay. When you have the whole world telling you one thing and you live in your little world where your mind tells you otherwise, who do you believe? Your mind of course. Because how else do you find yourself if you group yourself with the rest of them who follow the flow of 'how things should be just because'. So there you are, gay and alone. Ok. Now what? Well let's try to find love and happiness, cause that just seems like the next obvious step. Hmm ok so what do we have to choose from. Well you have the super gay flaming guys who think they're hot shit because they wear the latest fashions, don't give a shit about haters, and constantly bad mouth those who aren't them. Yeah I'll pass, thanks. So who does that leave? Not a whole lot really.
I mean people come in all shapes and colors and the gay meter fluctuates up or down depending on the person, but what does it all come down to in the end? Being the hottest, sexiest piece of meat on the market so you can get all kinds of great sex from people who you don't give a shit about because it's all about how it makes you feel. Oh so like my ex-boyfriend right? Both of them actually, because one just used me for sex and the other cheated on me by having sex with someone else. So how is that supposed to make a gay boy feel? Pretty fucking alone I'll tell ya. So the question is why bother? It's very clear if you do a little observing who you would want to associate with or not. Being that I am one of those observers, I don't see anything worth while out there. And yet I see them all around me. The ones who would be worth it but would hate you if they knew that. It's not like the movies at all really. Though I guess nothing ever is.
Where are you? Honestly and truly. Where the fuck are you? I feel like every day that I'm not with you, I'm growing further apart from you. Until one day there won't be anything to go back to. And yet all you can do is take on the guise of man over and over and try to give small amounts of comfort when it's deemed proper. Punishment. Almost torture. It's like being hungry and staring at food in a farmers market type thing but not having any money to buy anything. I'm the poor hungry fuck who only wants a taste of the good life. And just like in real life there are people who squander what they have because they don't care enough to appreciate what they have or could have. But of course, the grass is always greener.
I don't remember when I started this post and I'm not even sure what I want to do with it yet. Whether to post it for everyone to see or just leave it for my own eyes. To be honest if you were to read this a couple times over, you would probably find a bunch of contradictions or even things that make me look hypocritical. So be it. This is my mind just vomiting. It's not all supposed to make sense. I bitch too much I think. Yeah.
Which leads to my current thought process. It's like an uninterrupted flow of self-awareness mixed with massive anxiety. I can't even begin to describe how much I dislike people. I stopped myself just now from putting hate instead of dislike. I don't like that I use the word hate so much. I think it's what makes me have that very extreme outlook on people because I use it so often. But anyway, yeah the awareness/anxiety. It's a bitch! I've been starting to seriously wonder if I could have a slight form of bi-polar disorder.
I can't seem to focus properly and I don't even see it as my own fault. I'll use the metaphor of a free bird being kept in a cage. In the wild the bird is able to be who it is and fly free among the rest of the animals. Though capture one and put it in a cage and suddenly it feels that it can't be what it is anymore. Nothing physically has changed about the bird, but it knows there's been a change. I feel the same way. Around my family I feel like I can do what I always do. I can act like a retard and it's ok. But you get me with my friends and I'm nothing like I am at home. I get all weird and mindful of what's going on around me. What's funny is it's not even all of my friends who I feel that way with. And I just don't want to sound like a retard all the time is the thing. Why don't I talk about things that I care about? Because nobody around me cares about it.
I know exactly what I need to fix it too. Above all else there is one thing that immediately changes all the wrongs and makes them right. It's almost funny. The simplicity in it yet still very complex and confusing. Cliche: Eyes are the gateways to the soul. Now I kind of take a simpler look at it and just feel that it gives a sort of healing effect. I hate people looking at me and yet it's the one thing I want more than anything. Not just anybody though. You have to have that look in your eyes that says everything and nothing at the same time. That look that you fall into because you can't help it and can't get out of because you don't want to.
Past two nights I've had some really great dreams. Genuinely happy dreams. The kind that make you never want to wake up again. Where you wake up and feel the weight of the world suddenly slamming you back into reality, slapping you across the face and saying 'ha you suck...good morning!'. Where you try for almost an hour trying to fall back asleep so you can get one more moment. Just one more small fragment of that smile that would make you complete if only for that moment. Like is it even possible to even try to make someone understand? Nobody sees things like I do. Ever. Quite possibly could be the reason for my detachment with some friends.
Here's another. Old co-worker of mine finding herself in bad situations with husbands. Them taking advantage and treating her like shit and she doesn't do anything about it but suppress her feelings while very noticeably looks like she's falling apart at the seams because of it. Goes as far as even blaming herself for the problems that her husband brings her. I would hate to be her age and having to deal with humans in that sense of it. Fuck..that. Makes you wish certain things weren't illegal to do. Sadly it's a fact she isn't the only one having to deal with that either. So not only is it never a guarantee that love will ever work out be you straight or gay, but even if it does work out chances are most people never find it truly meaningful. That it's just something to be thrown around like the word hate or love. Or even that down the line one or the other may just leave for various reasons be it to cheat, to run away from problems, or to run towards more problems (ie. heavy drugs and what not). Doomed to live without that which fuels life.
Now here's the kicker. I know most people don't realize how bad it is to be gay sometimes. And not in the way that straight people think of it. Like the first thing people think about is the gay butt sex and all that and that's what they think is the bad thing about being gay. Like the physical nature of it or something and how immoral they think it is. But what I mean by how bad it is is just look at the different societies. Straight and gay. When you have the whole world telling you one thing and you live in your little world where your mind tells you otherwise, who do you believe? Your mind of course. Because how else do you find yourself if you group yourself with the rest of them who follow the flow of 'how things should be just because'. So there you are, gay and alone. Ok. Now what? Well let's try to find love and happiness, cause that just seems like the next obvious step. Hmm ok so what do we have to choose from. Well you have the super gay flaming guys who think they're hot shit because they wear the latest fashions, don't give a shit about haters, and constantly bad mouth those who aren't them. Yeah I'll pass, thanks. So who does that leave? Not a whole lot really.
I mean people come in all shapes and colors and the gay meter fluctuates up or down depending on the person, but what does it all come down to in the end? Being the hottest, sexiest piece of meat on the market so you can get all kinds of great sex from people who you don't give a shit about because it's all about how it makes you feel. Oh so like my ex-boyfriend right? Both of them actually, because one just used me for sex and the other cheated on me by having sex with someone else. So how is that supposed to make a gay boy feel? Pretty fucking alone I'll tell ya. So the question is why bother? It's very clear if you do a little observing who you would want to associate with or not. Being that I am one of those observers, I don't see anything worth while out there. And yet I see them all around me. The ones who would be worth it but would hate you if they knew that. It's not like the movies at all really. Though I guess nothing ever is.
Where are you? Honestly and truly. Where the fuck are you? I feel like every day that I'm not with you, I'm growing further apart from you. Until one day there won't be anything to go back to. And yet all you can do is take on the guise of man over and over and try to give small amounts of comfort when it's deemed proper. Punishment. Almost torture. It's like being hungry and staring at food in a farmers market type thing but not having any money to buy anything. I'm the poor hungry fuck who only wants a taste of the good life. And just like in real life there are people who squander what they have because they don't care enough to appreciate what they have or could have. But of course, the grass is always greener.
I don't remember when I started this post and I'm not even sure what I want to do with it yet. Whether to post it for everyone to see or just leave it for my own eyes. To be honest if you were to read this a couple times over, you would probably find a bunch of contradictions or even things that make me look hypocritical. So be it. This is my mind just vomiting. It's not all supposed to make sense. I bitch too much I think. Yeah.