wow...
i just got completely overwhelmed. well, that's an exageration, but regardless, i just jetted through the past five years of my life in like, ten minutes in my head. i was checking livejournal, which i rarely do anymore as no one ever updates anymore, least of all the people with whom i had such close contact halfway through highschool who inspired me to even create this account to begin with, and it hit me all at once. and i realized how far i've come from age 15. all the good and bad times i've had with myself and others. the people that have come and gone. and then those who have stayed.
freshman year when the real world began to slowly descend upon me. and i retreated into my mind.
sophmore year of highschool, when i began my absurd little emo phase with the nate, lauren and me trifecta of absolute misery.
junior year when it took me months and months of avoiding everybody to find out who i wanted to be and with whom. when i began spending time with johnny and johnlee.
the summer before senior year when i cut my ties to everyone i'd known before and made the best friend i've ever had.
sernior year... more mopy emo bullshit. i spent all my time in my head and with friends developing a drinking problem...
a summer i spent with johnny, dee and johnlee...
college and the people i met there...
the winter i spent with colleen...
my mother who protected my life from the very beginning and never really appreciated her until now...
the things i'll never forget.
all up to this point.
it scares me sometimes when i realize how much i've changed.
but i really love who i have become.
and now i'm 3000 miles away from all of those memories and it scares and excites me to realize that i am still changing. seeing how far i've come, from walking downtown bath new york wearing k mart jeans to walking around central los angeles in skinny jeans and wasteland ankleboots like i fucking own the place. and i wonder how much further i'll go. i feel limitless and without restriction now. i am scared though because i feel in some way that becoming who i'm going to be, as it happens so rapidly, i swear i can watch it in the mirror and feel it in my chest, feels like saying goodbye to everything i used to be. and it is. but sometimes i just wonder if i'm ready to let go of my past and the good memories i have. i don't know. i'll never be 17 again. sometimes that makes me sad.
however, the complete and total vindication that i feel over all of the people who i knew from highschool and corning is overwhelming. most of the people who wouldn't give me the time of day or fucked me over in one way or another are still hanging out at yanni's house in good old b-town. and they probably will be well into their thirties, getting fatter, older and even more boring. good luck at corning community college kids. because for most of them, that's the end of the line. i think these things and smile to myself while i'm driving down the 101 freeway on my way to LA. i'm one of the only kids i know who translated big dreams into reality. and i'm fucking proud as i've ever been.
so i know that this may prove fruitless as no one updates their livejournal anymore, johnny, rachel, lauren, amber, dee and everyone else. kind of a fitting end to all those things. all those memories of which i'm hesitant to let go, the ones i ran home to write all about in my queer little livejournal... i guess this is how i know it's time to say good bye to them all, head held high and off into the night.
goodbye.
freshman year when the real world began to slowly descend upon me. and i retreated into my mind.
sophmore year of highschool, when i began my absurd little emo phase with the nate, lauren and me trifecta of absolute misery.
junior year when it took me months and months of avoiding everybody to find out who i wanted to be and with whom. when i began spending time with johnny and johnlee.
the summer before senior year when i cut my ties to everyone i'd known before and made the best friend i've ever had.
sernior year... more mopy emo bullshit. i spent all my time in my head and with friends developing a drinking problem...
a summer i spent with johnny, dee and johnlee...
college and the people i met there...
the winter i spent with colleen...
my mother who protected my life from the very beginning and never really appreciated her until now...
the things i'll never forget.
all up to this point.
it scares me sometimes when i realize how much i've changed.
but i really love who i have become.
and now i'm 3000 miles away from all of those memories and it scares and excites me to realize that i am still changing. seeing how far i've come, from walking downtown bath new york wearing k mart jeans to walking around central los angeles in skinny jeans and wasteland ankleboots like i fucking own the place. and i wonder how much further i'll go. i feel limitless and without restriction now. i am scared though because i feel in some way that becoming who i'm going to be, as it happens so rapidly, i swear i can watch it in the mirror and feel it in my chest, feels like saying goodbye to everything i used to be. and it is. but sometimes i just wonder if i'm ready to let go of my past and the good memories i have. i don't know. i'll never be 17 again. sometimes that makes me sad.
however, the complete and total vindication that i feel over all of the people who i knew from highschool and corning is overwhelming. most of the people who wouldn't give me the time of day or fucked me over in one way or another are still hanging out at yanni's house in good old b-town. and they probably will be well into their thirties, getting fatter, older and even more boring. good luck at corning community college kids. because for most of them, that's the end of the line. i think these things and smile to myself while i'm driving down the 101 freeway on my way to LA. i'm one of the only kids i know who translated big dreams into reality. and i'm fucking proud as i've ever been.
so i know that this may prove fruitless as no one updates their livejournal anymore, johnny, rachel, lauren, amber, dee and everyone else. kind of a fitting end to all those things. all those memories of which i'm hesitant to let go, the ones i ran home to write all about in my queer little livejournal... i guess this is how i know it's time to say good bye to them all, head held high and off into the night.
goodbye.