Fun-Size DMHG
Hi, riptey here! Have you ever wanted to read DMHG fanfiction but just didn't have the time? Well, you're in luck, because I have condensed some classic DMHG plots into 300 words or less for your reading convenience.
This is something that I wrote many years ago for the Cookie Jar at FictionAlley Park, and I just found it on my hard drive and decided to edit it and repost it.
Big Long Disclaimer: These are just for fun, playing with some well-worn and much-loved DMHG scenarios. I would never want to insult these plot elements in and of themselves, and there are tons of wonderful stories that use similar ideas. None of them point to a specific story or anything.
These drabbles are all Hogwarts-era, since everything took place at Hogwarts back then, before the epilogue and electricity. If people enjoy these, I might write some Post-Hogwarts ones.
Also, characters and canon situations are property of J.K. Rowling. And finally, the format is loosely based on a fic that no longer seems to exist, called "The Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue" by Clam Chowder. More notes at the end.
#1: "The Bet"
[Scene I: The Slytherin Common Room]
BLAISE ZABINI/PANSY PARKINSON/A MEAN AND NASTY SLYTHERIN WITH NO MORALS
Hey, Draco, I bet you can't sleep with Hermione Granger.
DRACO
Oh, yeah? I bet I can.
SLYTHERIN
Prove it.
[Scene II: The Gryffindor Table]
VARIOUS GRYFFINDORS
We hate Malfoy.
HERMIONE
Especially me.
DRACO
Hi, Granger's First Name.
HERMIONE
Go away, Malfoy!
DRACO
I am rubber, and you are glue...
(they banter wittily)
[Scene III: The Library]
HERMIONE
Why won't you just leave me alone, Malfoy?
DRACO
Not until I get what I want.
HERMIONE
You're just a stupid ferret, and I -
(DRACO kisses HERMIONE, just to shut her up)
[Scene IV: The Slytherin Common Room]
DRACO
Woe betide me. All I wanted to do was win a bet, but instead I've Fallen In Love With Hermione.
(enter PANSY)
PANSY
What was that?
DRACO
Oh, nothing.
(DRACO sighs and runs to his dorm to mope)
THE SLYTHERIN HE MADE THAT BET WITH
So, Draco, have you slept with Hermione?
(he has)
DRACO
No.
(he has MORALS now and VALUES)
SLYTHERIN
Now you have to dress up like a girl for the next Quidditch match.
DRACO
Curses! Yet at least I have found true love.
[The End]
#2: "The Project/Detention"
[Scene I: Potions Class]
SNAPE
In case you haven't noticed, class, I'm mean.
(They have. SNAPE glares. He is mean, just like he said.)
SNAPE
That's why I've decided to partner you up with people you hate.
DRACO
Except me, right?
SNAPE
No. I hate everybody in the whole world, including you. Potter and Draco, even though you guys technically hate each other the most, I won't partner you together.
DRACO and HARRY
Yes!
SNAPE
Detention! No glee allowed in the Potions classroom! Draco, you're with Miss Granger. Nobody cares about the rest of the class, so I won't even bother saying their names.
[Scene II: Detention With Snape]
HERMIONE
Why am I here? I thought Harry got detention.
DRACO
What does this look like, a slash fic?
SNAPE
For detention, you horrible children must clean cauldrons or some such transparent rubbish while getting to know each other.
DRACO
This sucks.
HERMIONE
Yes, it does. Hey, we just agreed on something! I think we should start using each other's first names now.
[Scene III: The Library, two weeks later]
HERMIONE
Draco, I feel angsty.
DRACO
Me, too. Why do we feel angsty again?
HERMIONE
Our love is forbidden, remember?
DRACO (angstily)
Oh, right. By the way, aren't we supposed to be working on a Potions project?
HERMIONE
I think we may have already finished that or something.
(DRACO kisses HERMIONE. She DEEPENS THE KISS, and her BREASTS HEAVE)
[Scene IV: Malfoy Manor]
LUCIUS
I am bored. I wish I had something really evil to be doing.
(an OWL flies in and drops an ominous letter on his desk)
[Scene V: Hogwarts]
DRACO
Hermione, Lucius knows.
HERMIONE
Oh, no. I guess it's time for the final violence/choice/action scene.
[Scene VI: An Action Place]
LUCIUS
Draco, you have to choose between Hermione's life and your inheritance.
(DRACO and HERMIONE escape using THE POWER OF LOVE. LUCIUS goes to Azkaban, where he dies a painful, miserable death all alone.)
[The End]
#3: "It's the Heat"
[Scene I: The Hogwarts Express]
DRACO
I have gotten very good-looking and muscled over the summer. It must be from Quidditch. Please ignore the fact that all the Seeker basically does is sit on a broomstick and occasionally move his arms around.
HERMIONE
And I have developed considerably! I've got big boobs now. Also, I've learned a new spell so my hair will look good, I've started wearing makeup, and I grew a fashion sense.
HARRY
Hi, Hermione. I have also become hot over the summer.
HERMIONE
Oh, no. There are two hot guys at Hogwarts now! This creates a love triangle.
RON
What about me?
HERMIONE
That depends, do we know you?
[Scene II: The Great Hall]
THE SORTING HAT
Gryffindor rules,
Slytherin drools.
McGONAGALL
Let the sorting begin!
(random first years are sorted as HERMIONE ogles DRACO and HARRY)
HARRY
So, Hermione, want to take a walk by the lake after dinner?
HERMIONE
Okay.
DRACO
Wait! Hermione, want to have dessert with me after dinner?
HERMIONE
Oh, no!
(She runs away, having been faced with a horribly difficult decision)
RON
Stop ignoring me! Just because I'm not hot doesn't mean -
(Nobody cares what RON has to say)
GINNY
I don't think this love triangle is big enough. It needs to be a square. I, too, have developed over the summer. Harry, Draco, would you two like to go to the lake with me?
HARRY
I love Hermione, but all right.
DRACO
No thanks, I'll go take Pansy somewhere and make this thing a pentagon.
[Scene III: The Library, two weeks later]
HERMIONE
Draco, Harry, Blaise, Ginny, Pansy, Professor Snape, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus: I'm glad you could all make it here today. This fic is getting long. I think we should all decide who our final partner should be.
GINNY
I call Seamus.
SEAMUS
No thanks, I wanted Parvati.
BLAISE
Do you guys even know whether I'm male or female?
HERMIONE
Does it look like we care?
[Scene IV: The Hogwarts Express]
DRACO
Good thing we got all that sorted out.
HERMIONE
Yeah. Imagine, we didn't even think of drawing names out of a hat until Dumbledore came by.
(They all live happily ever after, except RON)
[The End]
#4: "Angst Overload"
[Scene I: The Granger Residence]
MR. and MRS. GRANGER
Child of ours, we don't love you or each other, approve of magic, or have a functional home. So, we're going to physically and emotionally abuse you.
[SCENE II: Malfoy Manor]
LUCIUS and NARCISSA
Same deal, except replace "magic" with "Muggles."
[Scene III: Library]
HERMIONE
My spirit is broken. My life is angst.
DRACO
What a coincidence, my life is angst, too.
HERMIONE
Oh, let's snog then.
[Scene IV: The Gryffindor Common Room]
HARRY
Oh, woe. Oh, terrible woe. Angst, it plagues me. MY PAAAREEEEENTS.
RON
I'm angsty, too, because I'm poor. I can't afford to purchase things that cost money.
GINNY
Me, too.
(enter SEAMUS)
SEAMUS
That's nothing compared to how angsty you'll all be when I tell you I just saw Hermione snogging Malfoy.
EVERYONE
Oh, no!
[Scene V: The Library]
DRACO
Hermione, we have to break up.
HERMIONE
What, the story wasn't tragic enough?
DRACO
Precisely. Goodbye.
(DRACO leaves, and HERMIONE cries all alone)
[Scene VI: The Gryffindor Common Room]
RON
I have angst because Hermione doesn't love me, and also I'm still poor. I can't afford therapy, so I must kill myself!
(he jumps out of the tower)
HARRY
No! Ron was my best friend! I now must kill myself as well!
(he drinks poison)
GINNY
No! I was in love with Harry, and my brother's dead! I, too, must die!
(she AK's herself as HERMIONE walks in)
HERMIONE
I've lost Draco forever, and all my friends are dead.
(she shoots herself right as DRACO walks in to tell her he still loves her - What Tragic Irony! (Hermione carries a handgun at all times (in case her wand burns out)))
DRACO
Four people just died, and I may have cared about one of them.
(he grabs HERMIONE's gun and shoots himself)
[The End]
#5: "Forced Pregnancy"
[Scene I: Malfoy Manor]
LUCIUS
Draco, you must impregnate Hermione Granger with your demon Death Eater spawn.
DRACO
With all due respect for His Snakeliness, that doesn't actually sound very helpful.
LUCIUS
Don't tell him I said so, but I was sort of thinking the same thing. I guess do it anyway, just in case.
[Scene II: The Library]
HERMIONE
I hope no demon Death Eaters impregnate me with their spawn today.
(DRACO emerges from The Shadows)
DRACO
Better luck tomorrow.
HERMIONE
Oh, no! I am weak and frail!
(DRACO attacks her)
[Scene III: The Library, one month later]
HERMIONE
Draco, I'm pregnant.
DRACO
That was the whole point.
HERMIONE
Yes, but can't you see? Fate has brought us together!
(DRACO stares deeply into her CHOCOLATEY REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP COLORED EYES)
DRACO
My darling...
HERMIONE
Yes?
DRACO
Let us marry, for I have fallen in love with you!
HERMIONE
My love, I accept!
MADAM PINCE
Can't you wretched teenagers find someplace other than the library to Have Sex and Talk About It?
(No.)
[Scene IV: Malfoy Manor]
LUCIUS
This plan sure went to hell.
WORMTAIL
I'm as surprised as you are, my liege.
(DRACO and HERMIONE burst in)
DRACO
Father, I'm going to marry Hermione whether you like it or not!
LUCIUS
No, you're not.
DRACO
Yes, I am. And to prove it, I'm going to kill you with this Ruby Special Gryffindor Sword.
LUCIUS
Where'd you get that?
DRACO
My new best friend Harry lent it to me.
(DRACO kills LUCIUS, while HARRY kills VOLDEMORT)
[Scene VI: Hogwarts maybe?]
DUMBLEDORE
Like in all fics that have a wedding, I have become a registered minister. Draco, do you take Hermione to be your lawfully wedded wife?
DRACO
I do.
DUMBLEDORE
Hermione, same question.
HERMIONE
I do!
(They live happily ever after, and their daughter, SAPPHIRE AMBROSIA MALFOY, has the same eyes as one of them and then the other one's hair)
[The End]
A/N: In #3, I just wanted to say that I'm not Ron-bashing for no reason. It used to be like Ron didn't even exist half the time back in Ye Olden Dayes of Fanfictione (before book 5 came out or so), like we all just agreed to forget what a Weasley even was, and I was making fun of that. The only reason we usually bothered to mention Harry was because, like, his name's in the title and everything. Maybe people would disagree with me on that point if they've been around forever too, but that's how it felt to me.
It may not always seem this way, but really, I swear I like Ron. :)