You will believe in me... and I will never be ignored.
"I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side...
To know that you're mine.
I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fears."
True to her word, my "kidnapper" brought us right where she said she would.
Sin City.
Is this Destiny? Is this the Universe's idea of irony? I get it. I slept with Kennedy, she's evil, and now everything's upside down, inside out, backwards and forwards, and just generally messed up. And Ema Kate's worrying herself into an early grave, and rambling on about her own sins. Cain's probably got all of the Gates open right now and is about to send us straight to Hell as we speak. And part of me wants to think, "Where's God now, Mama?" Huh?
But no. All I can think of is... where's Kennedy now?
Where is that beautiful girl who charmed her way right into my heart and then ripped it apart from the inside out? Where's she at?
I mean, this is Sin City. Isn't this her evil mothership?
I keep trying to tell myself not to blame her, because I should have known she didn't love me back. That she just wanted someone from me. She was one of those guys my mother warned me about. Except... not really a guy. More toward the girl side, which was surprising, but still.
What burned, and what killed in all of this is that regardless of how she felt about me, I loved her. I gave everything up for her, and to her. And she ripped my heart out through my jugular vein.
So there would be no more sweet little Bella. No more Miss Nice Girl. I would learn the all the tricks I needed to know to deal with her, because let's face it, she's pretty much a trick herself, then I would get back on that plane to London, and I would go back, and show Kennedy a thing or too about playing with fire.
"I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
Someone like you.
See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored."
I ditched Ema in the airport, along with all of my stuff except for my purse, blowing her a kiss as I hopped into a cab and ordered them to speed away to the nearest upscale mall, before the frantic redhead caught up with us.
Relaxing against the leather, I fought hard against the remorse that was already trying to creep up in me. My conscience was in overdrive, and I could feel guilt, churning like bile, in the pit of my stomach, like I was going to vomit all of my sudden regrets.
Lucidity crashed through windshield of the cab along with the sunlight, and for a split second, what I was doing, the responsibility of it, registered.
Then pushing it away with annoyance, I dug through my purse for what I had realized on the plane was in there, and had been there, since I'd caught Ana Pendleton breaking curfew one night back at the Academy. She'd shoved a Platinum credit card in my hand and told me to use until it was maxed out, just not to report her to Emma. I refused to blackmail her, but I kept it for emergencies.
Like a severely fractured heart.
Running my fingertips over its smooth, plastic surface, a smile that had never been mine played over my lips.
It would never be Kennedy's either.
"I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart."
Several hours later, I had finally realized the trueness of statement that you have to suffer for your beauty. I'd been waxed, plucked, manicured, pedicured, had my hair foiled with some acrid smelling highlights that took forever to set, learned to walk in shoes that cut into my feet and cut off circulation to my toes, as well as bought clothes so tight, I felt light headed in them.
I pierced my navel, and then followed it all up with a deep tissue Swedish massage that was so good, it hurt.
I walked out of the mall aching all over, burning in certain places, swollen in others, and looking like a complete stranger. A complete stranger with a wardrobe better than Ana Pendleton's.
There was no way when I got back, that Kennedy would be able to deny me, to look past me, to not be in the same airspace that I breathed.
I had other plans, of course. Someone else would be coming home with me, making sure Kennedy knew just how off limits that I was.
And when she was willing to crawl for me, on her hands and knees, and when she wanted me half as much as I wanted her, instead of the other way around, only then, could she have me.
For the first time in my life, we were going to do things my way. It was all dirty, and wrong. But she had to love me.
I would do anything for her, and if asking her to love me in return was too much, than I was going to make her pay the price.
"I will lie for you,
Beg and steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
You're just like me.
Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I can never be ignored.
"The Luxor," I told the next driver, as I settled in with my millions of bags and boxes, and more in the trunk. When we finally arrived, I waited for help, then checked myself in under an alias in one of their best suites. When they questioned me about using Ana's card, I told them I was her assistant, and asked if they wanted a pissed off heiress down their throats for harassing her personal assistant.
Once alone in my room, I threw off my coat, and took a good, long look at myself. When was I ever so... beautiful?
And how did Kennedy even deserve me, after all that she had done?
It was love, I decided, as I donned my new silk Gucci black tea-length, strapless corsetted dress, and laced up my Manolo Blahnik gold and crystal heels. Love made whoever it was you loved deserving of everything you were.
Frowning in the mirror as I applied my new M.A.C. make up, I decided that had to be wrong. Didn't you love them because you thought they were deserving of everything you were, not the other way around?
My head hurt.
A few finishing touches, and the next thing I knew, I was down in the casino, sipping a Sapphire & Tonic as she scoped the room for a rich playboy to be her plaything, in her game where she was cat, and Kennedy was the cute, little mouse.
I faltered for just a second, realizing just what I was doing, and how much this whole thing meant to me. How much Kennedy meant to me. Gripping my glass tight, I smiled again, and looked for a high place to watch the crowd, or possibly jump, if and when I realized this would never work.
Two Sapphire & Tonics later, as some man who won big screamed like a maniac at the top of his lungs, I perked up.
My luck had changed.
"I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you,
I will wait for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sink ships for you,
To be close to you,
To be part of you,
Because I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you..."
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side...
To know that you're mine.
I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fears."
True to her word, my "kidnapper" brought us right where she said she would.
Sin City.
Is this Destiny? Is this the Universe's idea of irony? I get it. I slept with Kennedy, she's evil, and now everything's upside down, inside out, backwards and forwards, and just generally messed up. And Ema Kate's worrying herself into an early grave, and rambling on about her own sins. Cain's probably got all of the Gates open right now and is about to send us straight to Hell as we speak. And part of me wants to think, "Where's God now, Mama?" Huh?
But no. All I can think of is... where's Kennedy now?
Where is that beautiful girl who charmed her way right into my heart and then ripped it apart from the inside out? Where's she at?
I mean, this is Sin City. Isn't this her evil mothership?
I keep trying to tell myself not to blame her, because I should have known she didn't love me back. That she just wanted someone from me. She was one of those guys my mother warned me about. Except... not really a guy. More toward the girl side, which was surprising, but still.
What burned, and what killed in all of this is that regardless of how she felt about me, I loved her. I gave everything up for her, and to her. And she ripped my heart out through my jugular vein.
So there would be no more sweet little Bella. No more Miss Nice Girl. I would learn the all the tricks I needed to know to deal with her, because let's face it, she's pretty much a trick herself, then I would get back on that plane to London, and I would go back, and show Kennedy a thing or too about playing with fire.
"I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
Someone like you.
See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored."
I ditched Ema in the airport, along with all of my stuff except for my purse, blowing her a kiss as I hopped into a cab and ordered them to speed away to the nearest upscale mall, before the frantic redhead caught up with us.
Relaxing against the leather, I fought hard against the remorse that was already trying to creep up in me. My conscience was in overdrive, and I could feel guilt, churning like bile, in the pit of my stomach, like I was going to vomit all of my sudden regrets.
Lucidity crashed through windshield of the cab along with the sunlight, and for a split second, what I was doing, the responsibility of it, registered.
Then pushing it away with annoyance, I dug through my purse for what I had realized on the plane was in there, and had been there, since I'd caught Ana Pendleton breaking curfew one night back at the Academy. She'd shoved a Platinum credit card in my hand and told me to use until it was maxed out, just not to report her to Emma. I refused to blackmail her, but I kept it for emergencies.
Like a severely fractured heart.
Running my fingertips over its smooth, plastic surface, a smile that had never been mine played over my lips.
It would never be Kennedy's either.
"I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart."
Several hours later, I had finally realized the trueness of statement that you have to suffer for your beauty. I'd been waxed, plucked, manicured, pedicured, had my hair foiled with some acrid smelling highlights that took forever to set, learned to walk in shoes that cut into my feet and cut off circulation to my toes, as well as bought clothes so tight, I felt light headed in them.
I pierced my navel, and then followed it all up with a deep tissue Swedish massage that was so good, it hurt.
I walked out of the mall aching all over, burning in certain places, swollen in others, and looking like a complete stranger. A complete stranger with a wardrobe better than Ana Pendleton's.
There was no way when I got back, that Kennedy would be able to deny me, to look past me, to not be in the same airspace that I breathed.
I had other plans, of course. Someone else would be coming home with me, making sure Kennedy knew just how off limits that I was.
And when she was willing to crawl for me, on her hands and knees, and when she wanted me half as much as I wanted her, instead of the other way around, only then, could she have me.
For the first time in my life, we were going to do things my way. It was all dirty, and wrong. But she had to love me.
I would do anything for her, and if asking her to love me in return was too much, than I was going to make her pay the price.
"I will lie for you,
Beg and steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
You're just like me.
Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I can never be ignored.
"The Luxor," I told the next driver, as I settled in with my millions of bags and boxes, and more in the trunk. When we finally arrived, I waited for help, then checked myself in under an alias in one of their best suites. When they questioned me about using Ana's card, I told them I was her assistant, and asked if they wanted a pissed off heiress down their throats for harassing her personal assistant.
Once alone in my room, I threw off my coat, and took a good, long look at myself. When was I ever so... beautiful?
And how did Kennedy even deserve me, after all that she had done?
It was love, I decided, as I donned my new silk Gucci black tea-length, strapless corsetted dress, and laced up my Manolo Blahnik gold and crystal heels. Love made whoever it was you loved deserving of everything you were.
Frowning in the mirror as I applied my new M.A.C. make up, I decided that had to be wrong. Didn't you love them because you thought they were deserving of everything you were, not the other way around?
My head hurt.
A few finishing touches, and the next thing I knew, I was down in the casino, sipping a Sapphire & Tonic as she scoped the room for a rich playboy to be her plaything, in her game where she was cat, and Kennedy was the cute, little mouse.
I faltered for just a second, realizing just what I was doing, and how much this whole thing meant to me. How much Kennedy meant to me. Gripping my glass tight, I smiled again, and looked for a high place to watch the crowd, or possibly jump, if and when I realized this would never work.
Two Sapphire & Tonics later, as some man who won big screamed like a maniac at the top of his lungs, I perked up.
My luck had changed.
"I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you,
I will wait for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sink ships for you,
To be close to you,
To be part of you,
Because I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you..."