Fanfiction: Heart of Mirrors (Life Is Strange: True Colors, Alex/Ryan)
'Riona, shouldn't you finish Life Is Strange: True Colors before writing multiple fics for it?'
I probably should, but here we are.
(I was trying to write something claustrophobic and accidentally wrote something cute instead. This is outrageous. I'm going to have to make another attempt at claustrophobic Alex/Ryan at some point.)
Title: Heart of Mirrors
Fandom: Life Is Strange: True Colors
Rating: PG
Pairing: Alex/Ryan
Wordcount: 1,700
Summary: Alex already knows how Ryan feels about her. It'd be nice if she could read her own feelings, too.
Alex wakes to a text from Ryan, a suggestion that they could meet in the park later, take a walk along the trails. It’s easy enough to say yes. The views are stunning around here, and there’s another advantage: they’ll be able to talk without people overhearing anything about Typhon or, you know, weird emotion powers.
She arrives a little early and finds Ryan already there, admiring one of the impressive but vaguely sinister wooden sculptures. She’s been wondering whether he had a hand in carving them. If she set one on fire, she could probably stir up his emotions enough to get an answer.
Or she could just ask. She could ask, like a normal person.
“Hey,” she says.
“Oh, hi!” Ryan turns around, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of the brief, bright burst of joy from him whenever he realises she’s there. “How’re you doing?”
It’s not a question she likes much; it always reminds her of everything that’s wrong in her life. But it’s well meant, at least. She shrugs.
“Makes sense,” Ryan says, the joy fading to a quiet sadness. Alex feels a little bad about it. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not feeling it.”
“No, it’s okay,” Alex says. “I’d like to.”
-
The walk is beautiful, it’s calming somehow. She still can’t believe she can look out over this incredible landscape just by going upstairs from her apartment.
It would’ve been nice to spend more evenings up there with Gabe.
She’s walking with someone, of course, so she keeps catching flashes of his emotions. But there’s something steadying about having Ryan around, even if they’re both still screwed up over what happened to Gabe.
Their route takes them near the ravine: not actually to the ravine, but close enough for them both to start thinking about it. Ryan’s emotions start to build, and Alex is going to have to make conversation about something else if she doesn’t want to get swept away by them.
“So how’s Steph?” she asks.
“Still in non-stop LARP-planning mode,” Ryan says. “Didn’t you see her yesterday?”
“Isn’t she going to exhaust herself if she keeps working so hard?”
Maybe, Ryan thinks, anxiety and sadness blending together. I guess there are worse ways to cope than doing something creative. “I don’t know. Steph’s always been a little intense.”
Alex laughs. It seems deceitful somehow, only reacting to what he actually said instead of to the darker thoughts behind it, but she can’t help it; she’s spent so long training herself to have conversations like a normal person. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. Intense and competitive.”
Ryan winces. “Don’t remind me.”
It feels like there’s a story here. He’s feeling mild frustration at the thought; she prods at it but can’t get a clear picture. “Oh?”
He hesitates. “I shouldn’t say anything. It’s embarrassing.”
“Well, now you have to say it,” Alex says. “I’m way too curious to let this go.”
Ryan groans. His emotions are very uncomfortable.
But at least his mind’s not on the ravine any more.
“Okay,” he says, reluctantly. “Steph - Steph and I have exactly the same taste in girls.”
Actually not a revelation. “Yeah, I can see why Steph being Steph might cause problems there.”
“Yep,” Ryan says. “Whenever someone interesting comes to town, she’s hooked up with them before I have a chance. I think she actually keeps a scoreboard.”
“Huh,” Alex says. “So am I on the scoreboard yet?”
“Not until someone actually scores,” Ryan says, and then, “Uh - wait, I mean-”
There’s a sharp flare of anxiety from him, and Alex has to suppress a laugh.
“I mean, hypothetically,” Ryan says. “If we had a reason to... feel competitive... over you.”
“You remember I can feel what you’re feeling, right?” she asks. “I don’t have to trick you into saying you’re interested. I’ve known for a while.”
There’s a pause.
“Uh, wow, right,” Ryan says. “Yeah. Guess that wouldn’t be a secret.”
“Which means Steph’s into me as well, going by what you just said.”
“It’s not really in my interests to confirm that,” Ryan says.
“Honestly, you don’t need to,” Alex says.
Ryan sighs. “Yeah, pretty sure you know when Steph’s into you even if you can’t read minds.”
Alex isn’t sure when they stopped walking, exactly. She turns to look out over the trees. Partly because the scenery is impressive. Mostly because Ryan’s getting more embarrassed with every moment Alex is looking at him, and it’s reaching the level where Alex is feeling it too.
“You don’t have to feel awkward, you know,” she says. “I really don’t mind.”
She doesn’t mind? She doesn’t mind if I’m interested? How do I interpret that?
“I’ll... try not to feel awkward, then,” Ryan says. He’s not confident he can manage it; she’d be able to tell from his voice even if she didn’t already know from his emotions. “Kind of intimidating to know I can’t keep secrets from you.”
“You don’t strike me as the most secretive guy.”
“I mean, maybe not, but it’d be nice to know it’s an option,” he says. “Would you prefer ‘dark and mysterious’?”
They’re dealing with enough mysteries already. “Straightforward is fine.”
He’s calmed down enough for her to be able to look at him again. He’s tapping his fingers against his arm in a quick little pattern.
“I guess it’s probably intimidating for you, too,” he says, after a moment. “Knowing that everyone has a crush on you.”
“I wouldn’t say everyone has a crush on me,” Alex says.
“Honestly,” Ryan says, “I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”
Alex tries not to laugh. She really does.
Fails. She’s laughing.
“Hey,” Ryan says, half-heartedly.
“Sorry!” She tries to harness the giggles, tuck them away where they can’t escape. “Sorry.”
“I didn’t think it was that bad a line.”
“The line was fine,” Alex says. “Very smooth. I just, uh, I don’t think you’re the person to deliver it.”
A burst of emotion from Ryan. He’s not sure how to read that; does she mean it’d be ridiculous to think of him romantically?
“You’re not a guy who needs lines,” Alex says. “You’re natural. I like that about you. Just... be yourself.”
Ryan’s anxiety settles slightly, and then flares up in several completely different directions. “Wait, were you hearing my thoughts again?”
“Sorry,” Alex says, with an uneasy smile. It’s still so strange to have someone who knows her secret; she’s not used to being called out for it. “I can’t really help it.”
“I guess not,” Ryan says. “I just... kind of wish I knew what you were feeling, sometimes.”
Alex folds her arms. “Looks like you’re just gonna have to ask me.”
Ryan hesitates. He feels like this is a trap.
Maybe it is a trap. She hasn’t decided yet.
“You think-” He cuts himself off, pauses for a moment. “You think Steph might have a chance with you?”
It’s not what he really wants to ask, of course. But she’ll play along. If he wants to ask her out, she’s not going to let him use her power as an excuse not to.
“Maybe?” Alex says. “You know Steph. It’s kind of hard not to be into her.”
Ryan raises his eyebrows. “I mean, I’ve managed it.”
“Yeah, but have you?” Alex asks. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t be interested? You know, if you were a girl and Steph-”
“If I were a girl?” Ryan asks. He looks torn between laughing and running away; that’s pretty much what she’s getting from his emotions, too. “Couldn’t you say ‘if Steph were into guys’?”
Alex tilts her head. “That’s harder to picture.”
Ryan pauses. “I’m not sure we should go any further down this line of conversation. I can’t think about Steph like that.”
“No problem,” Alex says. “You want to get back to how you think about me?”
“You know I thought this would be a nice walk?” Ryan asks. “I thought, Hey, let’s take a walk with Alex. Yeah, she can read your emotions, but she’s way too nice to use that against you.”
“Wow,” Alex says. “You really do need my ability. You don’t know me at all.”
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I’m going to propose we just forget this conversation ever happened and head back to Haven.”
Damn. She’s going to have to be sincere. She can’t just leave him like this.
At least he knows the truth, so she can actually be honest about what the issue is.
“Look,” she says. “I’m not actually being vague about how I’m feeling to screw with you.”
He looks at her for a moment, nervous and hopeful. “No?”
“I promise,” she says. “Although screwing with you is kind of hilarious.”
“So my dad tells me,” Ryan says. “So, uh... how are you feeling, then?”
“That’s the problem,” Alex says. “I don’t actually know.”
“That’s okay.” He’s switched instantly from anxiety into reassurance mode; it’s kind of impressive. “I’m not going anywhere. If you decide you’re not interested, that’s totally fine. If-”
Alex cuts him off. “Thanks. I appreciate it, really. But I don’t think it’s really a time problem.”
“Oh.” Ryan pauses. “What kind of problem is it, then?”
Alex sighs. Tries to pull it into words in her head. She’s never actually been in a position to explain this before.
“You know how I feel what other people are feeling?” she asks. “Well, uh... how do you think it works if you spend a lot of time around someone who’s attracted to you?”
Ryan hesitates. “I don’t know. It’s hard to picture, to be honest. I guess it’s probably pretty weird?”
“I don’t really... know when I’m attracted to people,” Alex says. “I know when I like someone who doesn’t like me back. But, like, with you or Steph - there are feelings, but I don’t really know if they’re mine or yours. You know?”
“Wow,” Ryan says. “That sounds... awful.”
She half-laughs. “Yeah, it’s not great.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I mean, you could stop liking me?” Alex suggests, shrugging. “That’d probably help me figure it out. Although I might have a new problem then.”
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I don’t think I can manage that.”
Alex startles herself by snorting with laughter. “Are you trying to be smooth again?”
“I was being sincere!” Ryan protests. “What, are you trying to make it easier to stop liking you?”
She smiles at him, filled with a warm affection she can’t trust.
But she thinks she can trust Ryan, at least.
It might take her a while to work out whether that’s enough.
I probably should, but here we are.
(I was trying to write something claustrophobic and accidentally wrote something cute instead. This is outrageous. I'm going to have to make another attempt at claustrophobic Alex/Ryan at some point.)
Title: Heart of Mirrors
Fandom: Life Is Strange: True Colors
Rating: PG
Pairing: Alex/Ryan
Wordcount: 1,700
Summary: Alex already knows how Ryan feels about her. It'd be nice if she could read her own feelings, too.
Alex wakes to a text from Ryan, a suggestion that they could meet in the park later, take a walk along the trails. It’s easy enough to say yes. The views are stunning around here, and there’s another advantage: they’ll be able to talk without people overhearing anything about Typhon or, you know, weird emotion powers.
She arrives a little early and finds Ryan already there, admiring one of the impressive but vaguely sinister wooden sculptures. She’s been wondering whether he had a hand in carving them. If she set one on fire, she could probably stir up his emotions enough to get an answer.
Or she could just ask. She could ask, like a normal person.
“Hey,” she says.
“Oh, hi!” Ryan turns around, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of the brief, bright burst of joy from him whenever he realises she’s there. “How’re you doing?”
It’s not a question she likes much; it always reminds her of everything that’s wrong in her life. But it’s well meant, at least. She shrugs.
“Makes sense,” Ryan says, the joy fading to a quiet sadness. Alex feels a little bad about it. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not feeling it.”
“No, it’s okay,” Alex says. “I’d like to.”
-
The walk is beautiful, it’s calming somehow. She still can’t believe she can look out over this incredible landscape just by going upstairs from her apartment.
It would’ve been nice to spend more evenings up there with Gabe.
She’s walking with someone, of course, so she keeps catching flashes of his emotions. But there’s something steadying about having Ryan around, even if they’re both still screwed up over what happened to Gabe.
Their route takes them near the ravine: not actually to the ravine, but close enough for them both to start thinking about it. Ryan’s emotions start to build, and Alex is going to have to make conversation about something else if she doesn’t want to get swept away by them.
“So how’s Steph?” she asks.
“Still in non-stop LARP-planning mode,” Ryan says. “Didn’t you see her yesterday?”
“Isn’t she going to exhaust herself if she keeps working so hard?”
Maybe, Ryan thinks, anxiety and sadness blending together. I guess there are worse ways to cope than doing something creative. “I don’t know. Steph’s always been a little intense.”
Alex laughs. It seems deceitful somehow, only reacting to what he actually said instead of to the darker thoughts behind it, but she can’t help it; she’s spent so long training herself to have conversations like a normal person. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. Intense and competitive.”
Ryan winces. “Don’t remind me.”
It feels like there’s a story here. He’s feeling mild frustration at the thought; she prods at it but can’t get a clear picture. “Oh?”
He hesitates. “I shouldn’t say anything. It’s embarrassing.”
“Well, now you have to say it,” Alex says. “I’m way too curious to let this go.”
Ryan groans. His emotions are very uncomfortable.
But at least his mind’s not on the ravine any more.
“Okay,” he says, reluctantly. “Steph - Steph and I have exactly the same taste in girls.”
Actually not a revelation. “Yeah, I can see why Steph being Steph might cause problems there.”
“Yep,” Ryan says. “Whenever someone interesting comes to town, she’s hooked up with them before I have a chance. I think she actually keeps a scoreboard.”
“Huh,” Alex says. “So am I on the scoreboard yet?”
“Not until someone actually scores,” Ryan says, and then, “Uh - wait, I mean-”
There’s a sharp flare of anxiety from him, and Alex has to suppress a laugh.
“I mean, hypothetically,” Ryan says. “If we had a reason to... feel competitive... over you.”
“You remember I can feel what you’re feeling, right?” she asks. “I don’t have to trick you into saying you’re interested. I’ve known for a while.”
There’s a pause.
“Uh, wow, right,” Ryan says. “Yeah. Guess that wouldn’t be a secret.”
“Which means Steph’s into me as well, going by what you just said.”
“It’s not really in my interests to confirm that,” Ryan says.
“Honestly, you don’t need to,” Alex says.
Ryan sighs. “Yeah, pretty sure you know when Steph’s into you even if you can’t read minds.”
Alex isn’t sure when they stopped walking, exactly. She turns to look out over the trees. Partly because the scenery is impressive. Mostly because Ryan’s getting more embarrassed with every moment Alex is looking at him, and it’s reaching the level where Alex is feeling it too.
“You don’t have to feel awkward, you know,” she says. “I really don’t mind.”
She doesn’t mind? She doesn’t mind if I’m interested? How do I interpret that?
“I’ll... try not to feel awkward, then,” Ryan says. He’s not confident he can manage it; she’d be able to tell from his voice even if she didn’t already know from his emotions. “Kind of intimidating to know I can’t keep secrets from you.”
“You don’t strike me as the most secretive guy.”
“I mean, maybe not, but it’d be nice to know it’s an option,” he says. “Would you prefer ‘dark and mysterious’?”
They’re dealing with enough mysteries already. “Straightforward is fine.”
He’s calmed down enough for her to be able to look at him again. He’s tapping his fingers against his arm in a quick little pattern.
“I guess it’s probably intimidating for you, too,” he says, after a moment. “Knowing that everyone has a crush on you.”
“I wouldn’t say everyone has a crush on me,” Alex says.
“Honestly,” Ryan says, “I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”
Alex tries not to laugh. She really does.
Fails. She’s laughing.
“Hey,” Ryan says, half-heartedly.
“Sorry!” She tries to harness the giggles, tuck them away where they can’t escape. “Sorry.”
“I didn’t think it was that bad a line.”
“The line was fine,” Alex says. “Very smooth. I just, uh, I don’t think you’re the person to deliver it.”
A burst of emotion from Ryan. He’s not sure how to read that; does she mean it’d be ridiculous to think of him romantically?
“You’re not a guy who needs lines,” Alex says. “You’re natural. I like that about you. Just... be yourself.”
Ryan’s anxiety settles slightly, and then flares up in several completely different directions. “Wait, were you hearing my thoughts again?”
“Sorry,” Alex says, with an uneasy smile. It’s still so strange to have someone who knows her secret; she’s not used to being called out for it. “I can’t really help it.”
“I guess not,” Ryan says. “I just... kind of wish I knew what you were feeling, sometimes.”
Alex folds her arms. “Looks like you’re just gonna have to ask me.”
Ryan hesitates. He feels like this is a trap.
Maybe it is a trap. She hasn’t decided yet.
“You think-” He cuts himself off, pauses for a moment. “You think Steph might have a chance with you?”
It’s not what he really wants to ask, of course. But she’ll play along. If he wants to ask her out, she’s not going to let him use her power as an excuse not to.
“Maybe?” Alex says. “You know Steph. It’s kind of hard not to be into her.”
Ryan raises his eyebrows. “I mean, I’ve managed it.”
“Yeah, but have you?” Alex asks. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t be interested? You know, if you were a girl and Steph-”
“If I were a girl?” Ryan asks. He looks torn between laughing and running away; that’s pretty much what she’s getting from his emotions, too. “Couldn’t you say ‘if Steph were into guys’?”
Alex tilts her head. “That’s harder to picture.”
Ryan pauses. “I’m not sure we should go any further down this line of conversation. I can’t think about Steph like that.”
“No problem,” Alex says. “You want to get back to how you think about me?”
“You know I thought this would be a nice walk?” Ryan asks. “I thought, Hey, let’s take a walk with Alex. Yeah, she can read your emotions, but she’s way too nice to use that against you.”
“Wow,” Alex says. “You really do need my ability. You don’t know me at all.”
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I’m going to propose we just forget this conversation ever happened and head back to Haven.”
Damn. She’s going to have to be sincere. She can’t just leave him like this.
At least he knows the truth, so she can actually be honest about what the issue is.
“Look,” she says. “I’m not actually being vague about how I’m feeling to screw with you.”
He looks at her for a moment, nervous and hopeful. “No?”
“I promise,” she says. “Although screwing with you is kind of hilarious.”
“So my dad tells me,” Ryan says. “So, uh... how are you feeling, then?”
“That’s the problem,” Alex says. “I don’t actually know.”
“That’s okay.” He’s switched instantly from anxiety into reassurance mode; it’s kind of impressive. “I’m not going anywhere. If you decide you’re not interested, that’s totally fine. If-”
Alex cuts him off. “Thanks. I appreciate it, really. But I don’t think it’s really a time problem.”
“Oh.” Ryan pauses. “What kind of problem is it, then?”
Alex sighs. Tries to pull it into words in her head. She’s never actually been in a position to explain this before.
“You know how I feel what other people are feeling?” she asks. “Well, uh... how do you think it works if you spend a lot of time around someone who’s attracted to you?”
Ryan hesitates. “I don’t know. It’s hard to picture, to be honest. I guess it’s probably pretty weird?”
“I don’t really... know when I’m attracted to people,” Alex says. “I know when I like someone who doesn’t like me back. But, like, with you or Steph - there are feelings, but I don’t really know if they’re mine or yours. You know?”
“Wow,” Ryan says. “That sounds... awful.”
She half-laughs. “Yeah, it’s not great.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I mean, you could stop liking me?” Alex suggests, shrugging. “That’d probably help me figure it out. Although I might have a new problem then.”
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I don’t think I can manage that.”
Alex startles herself by snorting with laughter. “Are you trying to be smooth again?”
“I was being sincere!” Ryan protests. “What, are you trying to make it easier to stop liking you?”
She smiles at him, filled with a warm affection she can’t trust.
But she thinks she can trust Ryan, at least.
It might take her a while to work out whether that’s enough.