Disclaimer: Derren Brown Is Probably Not Quite As Evil As Represented Here.
All right: the fic in which Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell find themselves thrown together in the midst of a zombie invasion definitely needs to exist. I say this largely because petrol has introduced me to the mental image of Brooker fighting zombies with a baseball bat, bloodied and sweat-soaked and exhausted, and, for reasons I'd prefer not to examine too closely, it is incredibly hot.
Anyway, more character-number questions! The first instalment is here. Represented are Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who (and Torchwood), Peep Show, Supernatural, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Merlin, Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy XII, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Derren Brown, David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker.
apiphile:
Ruby and Sherlock Holmes star in a high school musical together. What is the theme, who is the lead and who is the villain? Or is one of them the romantic lead?
What an unlikely pair of high school musical stars. It is a murder mystery musical! I suppose Holmes plays the part of the detective and Ruby is the murderer; she complains about being typecast (just because she's a demon, you people), but it's a token protest, as it was in fact exactly the role she wanted. There is no actual romance in the plot, but the two of them have a confusing amount of chemistry onstage. Oh, and neither of them can sing, although Holmes does accompany his own performance with the violin throughout.
Captain Jack Harkness and Derren Brown and Charlie Brooker have a polyamorous relationship which is broken up by the Master. Who does the Master focus on in order to destroy their happy triad, and how do they achieve it?
THIS IS AN AMAZING POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP.
Right. Harkness and Brown are entirely comfortable in the situation; Brooker, meanwhile, might have insecurities on which the Master can play, and so he's the one the Master targets. However, he proves surprisingly difficult to manipulate, because, yes, he thinks he's ugly and worthless, but he's also cynical enough to see through everything the Master is saying; he's not easily taken in. In the end, the Master's plan succeeds when he shifts his attention to Harkness; given Brown's tricks, can Harkness be certain that Brown isn't interfering with his mind? Harkness hates having his mind played with. He tries to keep the relationship up, but in the end the doubts are too much and he breaks away.
They still have sex on occasion, though.
nomelon:
Ruby and Charlie Brooker: COWBOYS IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Mark Corrigan is not a cowboy, but is a zombie. How do they save the day?
Awww, I don't think cowboys and baseball bats really go together, so I can't indulge myself with the confusingly appealing image of bat-wielding Brooker. (Then again, I don't think Brooker and baseball bats really go together in non-zombie-related contexts, so where would he get the bat from?) The image of Brooker on horseback with a pistol has a certain allure, but it's not quite the same.
If the world is going to end, Ruby is determined, this isn't how it's going to happen. It's not going to be overrun by zombies. That's just stupid. Not to mention the fact that possessing a decaying, shambling corpse is no fun at all.
Mark Corrigan is an incredibly unhappy zombie. He doesn't even bother chasing after human flesh, because he knows inevitably something is going to go wrong. Of course he was one of the first to get bitten. Of course. It's bloody typical. The horrors of the world ending in a tide of the undead are marginally preferable to the horrors of social interaction, but even the fact that he's never going to be standing awkwardly in the corner at a social gathering again is little consolation. He's still got his consciousness, too; he can't even be a zombie correctly, and won't being the only conscious being on the planet be fun?
He wonders what happened to Jeremy.
Oh, wait, there are some people on horseback over there. He thinks they're people, anyway; he doubts zombies are excellent riders. They've - it looks like they've got guns. If they see him, they'll probably shoot him. Perhaps that would be easier?
Well, he can't see things getting any better. He's a member of the walking dead now; he has definitely, definitely missed the window for having a relationship with Dobby. Just - shamble in their direction; not the most spectacular method of suicide, perhaps, but at present the only one available to him.
The man spots him, takes aim - and then he says, "Shit," and lowers the gun.
"Any reason you're not blowing its brains out?" the woman enquires.
The man hesitates. "He's a friend of mine."
"No, I'm not," Mark says. "I've never seen you before. Can you please just shoot me?"
"Oh, now, that's interesting," the woman says.
They don't shoot him. For one thing, they need to conserve bullets, and there's no need to waste one on a single zombie who has apparently retained his mind and is therefore capable of restraining himself. Also, Brooker would prefer not to shoot him if he can help it; even if he insists that he isn't David Mitchell and certainly doesn't act quite like Mitchell, the resemblance would make it too weird. And Ruby thinks they might be able to work out a way of reversing or halting the spread of the virus if they have a willing test subject; they should get to a hospital and work some things out. Mark isn't a hugely willing test subject, but he supposes that, if the alternative is the end of the world, he'll accompany them.
Ruby and Brooker slow their horses so Mark can keep up; neither trust him quite enough to have him on the horse with them. Probably sensible; they smell delicious. No, he needs to not eat people. The more people he eats, the less interesting post-apocalyptic society will be.
perrie:
If Yuna were to be a pirate captain, would Utena Tenjou or Balthier Bunansa be better as a first mate? How quickly would the ship sink?
Yuna, Utena and Balthier working together? Amazing. Although I can't really imagine Yuna as a pirate; she has far too strong a sense of morality and duty. So does Utena, actually. They would be the noblest pirates on the seas.
On the one hand, Balthier has previous piracy experience. On the other, Yuna and Utena would be such a great team. Yuna feels a bit bad about having to choose between them, but in the end she puts Balthier in the position of first mate. Utena understands that he's more qualified, so there's no resentment between them.
Utena/Yuna/Balthier: OT3? They would be wonderful together.
EDIT: Whoops, missed the latter part of the question! The ship would survive for quite a while, because they are a competent trio, because Yuna's loveliness means they're less likely to make enemies than the average band of pirates, and because Yuna can call down gods to protect them should they get into trouble.
pinkfinity:
Jeremy Usborne and Utena Tenjou see a big blue policebox on a streetcorner. What do they do?
Utena is unfamiliar with Doctor Who and has no idea of its significance, so she would entirely pass it by were it not for the excited reaction of Jeremy, who at first idly half-watched Doctor Who because Mark was watching it and then came to massively fancy David Tennant. It's probably not the real TARDIS, he thinks, because that's impossible, but... but maybe it is the real TARDIS. Maybe the Doctor will be inside it, and he'll look exactly like David Tennant, and Jeremy will find out just how asexual he is, and also they'll see the universe or some shit like that.
Jeremy's explanation of what the TARDIS is to Utena is a little incoherent, but she manages to grasp that it's a way of visiting other worlds, which is quite an exciting prospect. She's dubious about whether this box can really travel through space, but it wouldn't be the first time she's seen something impossible.
It's not the TARDIS, of course; it's just a replica police box. Jeremy is hugely disappointed; some part of him was genuinely convinced that he was about to become the best companion ever. Mark would be literally sick with envy.
(I would love to see Utena as the Doctor's companion, incidentally.)
Captain Jack Harkness and Ruby have both been invited to a charity ball. Which charity is it, is it fancy dress, do they show up and what excuse does each use to leave early?
It is a World War II-themed ball to raise money for war veterans. Harkness makes some time to go to it; he already has the perfect attire, after all, and he made some good friends back in the 1940s, and he's always up for a dance. Halfway through, though, Ianto calls to let him know that a tiger-octopus hybrid is trying to get into the base, and he leaves, giving the mostly-accurate excuse of 'boring work stuff'.
Ruby doesn't show up; she's got better things to do, for a given value of 'better'. Hypothetically, were she to show up, she would leave early using the time-honoured excuse of 'I'm going now, and if you try to stop me I'm going to kill you'.
Charlie Brooker crosses over into the Avatar-'verse. How does he feel about the Na'avi situation?
I have not seen Avatar and so have no idea of what the Na'avi situation is, but I probably have a fair chance of being right if I say he feels it's stupid.
th_esaurus:
DOES RUBY LIKE TIRAMISU???
All I know about Ruby's eating habits is that she is a big fan of ketchup and fried potatoes. I imagine she doesn't have tiramisu very often, but she's not averse to stealing some if whomever she's talking to is eating it.
Jeremy Usborne takes Balthier Bunansa on a date. Where does he take him and does it end in KISSFACETIMES?
Oh, dear, I do not feel that these two are terribly compatible. Jeremy probably takes him to a fast food place or LaserQuest or somewhere similarly below Balthier's tastes. Balthier despises him. Jeremy is oblivious to his scorn, despite the fact that every word Balthier says during their conversation, which Balthier tries to keep as brief as possible for the sake of his sanity, is laden with sarcasm.
Actually, Balthier enjoys LaserQuest a tiny bit. He's never going to admit it, though.
Afterwards, Jeremy invites him back to the flat, where KISSFACETIMES, he is convinced, will ensue. In fact, he's going to move in for a kiss right now.
Balthier, thoroughly tired of the evening, casts Stop on him, then hops on his hoverbike and departs.
Jeremy thinks he is amazing.
brewsternorth:
All fifteen characters are in a murder mystery. Who is the first to be bumped off? Who decides to play detective, and who joins in? Finally, whodunnit?
Merlin is the first to be killed. Probably the murderer at least suspected that he had powers, and therefore that he might be able to magically reveal the identity of the killer.
Sherlock Holmes plays detective, of course. That much is obvious. Mark Corrigan desperately want to help, to impress him, but he knows he'll just make a tit of himself, so he stays quiet. To Mark's immense frustration, Jeremy somehow manages to acquire the role of Holmes' sidekick in the investigation, despite the fact that Jeremy has no deductive skills whatsoever and doesn't love Holmes like Mark does. He isn't Watson. Mark is Watson. Mark should be Watson.
Captain Jack Harkness insists that IT'S THE MASTER, YOU GUYS, IT HAS GOT TO BE THE MASTER; Dean is convinced the culprit is Ruby. The Master pulls an incredibly unconvincing 'who, me?' face. Ruby is nowhere to be seen.
Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell consider quietly removing themselves from the scene; they're broadcasters, not detectives, so they won't be able to contribute anything, and they'd prefer not to hang around and get killed. If they do sneak off, though, that's probably going to look suspicious. They stay in the background, trying to look unremarkable and sort of hating themselves for being so useless. Brooker is absolutely convinced that Mitchell is not a murderer and Mitchell is ninety-nine per cent sure that Brooker isn't, so they mostly stick together. They both suspect Dean Winchester, who is obviously mad, raving about demons and demanding salt, although the possibility that Mark Corrigan may have accidentally killed Merlin comes up in their discussion; accidental murder would fit perfectly into poor miserable Mark Corrigan's life.
Toph, acting independently of the Holmes-Usborne duo, marches up to every character present and demands to know whether they are the murderer, with the intention of detecting whether they are lying through the vibrations of the earth. None gives any sign of lying when they say they didn't do it, though. How mysterious. If the murderer is amongst them, he or she must be an excellent liar. ALMOST AS IF HE OR SHE WERE TO, SAY, LIE FOR A LIVING.
Holmes and Usborne interrogate Derren Brown and come away with a vague feeling that he is innocent and there is no need to investigate him further, although they both have trouble remembering anything that he actually said.
Hmmm.
timydamonkey:
Charlie Brooker has been institutionalised. Why?
Watching too much depressing news and appalling television for his programmes drove him mad. It was bound to happen eventually.
nevcolleil:
Sherlock Holmes, Utena Tenjou, and Charlie Brooker are Olympic athletes. What event do they compete in and who wins the gold out of the 3 of them?
Holmes competes in the boxing, Utena in the fencing. They are both excellent and could very well both take the gold. I suppose Utena wouldn't have Dios behind her at the Olympics, but she's a very good swordswoman in her own right.
I think Brooker is more likely to be an extremely sarcastic commentator than an athlete. He would definitely win the gold for sarcastic commentary, though.
Ruby and Derren Brown have a love/hate relationship. What do they love and hate about each other?
Derren is so one of the psychic children. Ruby loves the potential he has, but his supreme confidence in his own cleverness grates, and he will not open his eyes to the real world.
Derren hates Ruby's insistence that he has genuine psychic ability; they're all tricks, just psychological tricks, anyone could do them. He loves her delicious blood.
tamsin_m:
Sherlock Holmes bakes a cake. What sort of cake is it?
A terrible cake. Holmes' brilliance, it turns out, does not extend to cookery. The smell of burnt flour pervades 221B Baker Street for days. Watson wonders why on Earth he attempted it. It is probably part of a cunning plan by which Holmes intends to ensnare a murderer whom he knows to have no sense of smell or suspects to be posing as a culinary expert.
Yet more to come!
Anyway, more character-number questions! The first instalment is here. Represented are Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who (and Torchwood), Peep Show, Supernatural, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Merlin, Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy XII, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Derren Brown, David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker.
apiphile:
Ruby and Sherlock Holmes star in a high school musical together. What is the theme, who is the lead and who is the villain? Or is one of them the romantic lead?
What an unlikely pair of high school musical stars. It is a murder mystery musical! I suppose Holmes plays the part of the detective and Ruby is the murderer; she complains about being typecast (just because she's a demon, you people), but it's a token protest, as it was in fact exactly the role she wanted. There is no actual romance in the plot, but the two of them have a confusing amount of chemistry onstage. Oh, and neither of them can sing, although Holmes does accompany his own performance with the violin throughout.
Captain Jack Harkness and Derren Brown and Charlie Brooker have a polyamorous relationship which is broken up by the Master. Who does the Master focus on in order to destroy their happy triad, and how do they achieve it?
THIS IS AN AMAZING POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP.
Right. Harkness and Brown are entirely comfortable in the situation; Brooker, meanwhile, might have insecurities on which the Master can play, and so he's the one the Master targets. However, he proves surprisingly difficult to manipulate, because, yes, he thinks he's ugly and worthless, but he's also cynical enough to see through everything the Master is saying; he's not easily taken in. In the end, the Master's plan succeeds when he shifts his attention to Harkness; given Brown's tricks, can Harkness be certain that Brown isn't interfering with his mind? Harkness hates having his mind played with. He tries to keep the relationship up, but in the end the doubts are too much and he breaks away.
They still have sex on occasion, though.
nomelon:
Ruby and Charlie Brooker: COWBOYS IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Mark Corrigan is not a cowboy, but is a zombie. How do they save the day?
Awww, I don't think cowboys and baseball bats really go together, so I can't indulge myself with the confusingly appealing image of bat-wielding Brooker. (Then again, I don't think Brooker and baseball bats really go together in non-zombie-related contexts, so where would he get the bat from?) The image of Brooker on horseback with a pistol has a certain allure, but it's not quite the same.
If the world is going to end, Ruby is determined, this isn't how it's going to happen. It's not going to be overrun by zombies. That's just stupid. Not to mention the fact that possessing a decaying, shambling corpse is no fun at all.
Mark Corrigan is an incredibly unhappy zombie. He doesn't even bother chasing after human flesh, because he knows inevitably something is going to go wrong. Of course he was one of the first to get bitten. Of course. It's bloody typical. The horrors of the world ending in a tide of the undead are marginally preferable to the horrors of social interaction, but even the fact that he's never going to be standing awkwardly in the corner at a social gathering again is little consolation. He's still got his consciousness, too; he can't even be a zombie correctly, and won't being the only conscious being on the planet be fun?
He wonders what happened to Jeremy.
Oh, wait, there are some people on horseback over there. He thinks they're people, anyway; he doubts zombies are excellent riders. They've - it looks like they've got guns. If they see him, they'll probably shoot him. Perhaps that would be easier?
Well, he can't see things getting any better. He's a member of the walking dead now; he has definitely, definitely missed the window for having a relationship with Dobby. Just - shamble in their direction; not the most spectacular method of suicide, perhaps, but at present the only one available to him.
The man spots him, takes aim - and then he says, "Shit," and lowers the gun.
"Any reason you're not blowing its brains out?" the woman enquires.
The man hesitates. "He's a friend of mine."
"No, I'm not," Mark says. "I've never seen you before. Can you please just shoot me?"
"Oh, now, that's interesting," the woman says.
They don't shoot him. For one thing, they need to conserve bullets, and there's no need to waste one on a single zombie who has apparently retained his mind and is therefore capable of restraining himself. Also, Brooker would prefer not to shoot him if he can help it; even if he insists that he isn't David Mitchell and certainly doesn't act quite like Mitchell, the resemblance would make it too weird. And Ruby thinks they might be able to work out a way of reversing or halting the spread of the virus if they have a willing test subject; they should get to a hospital and work some things out. Mark isn't a hugely willing test subject, but he supposes that, if the alternative is the end of the world, he'll accompany them.
Ruby and Brooker slow their horses so Mark can keep up; neither trust him quite enough to have him on the horse with them. Probably sensible; they smell delicious. No, he needs to not eat people. The more people he eats, the less interesting post-apocalyptic society will be.
perrie:
If Yuna were to be a pirate captain, would Utena Tenjou or Balthier Bunansa be better as a first mate? How quickly would the ship sink?
Yuna, Utena and Balthier working together? Amazing. Although I can't really imagine Yuna as a pirate; she has far too strong a sense of morality and duty. So does Utena, actually. They would be the noblest pirates on the seas.
On the one hand, Balthier has previous piracy experience. On the other, Yuna and Utena would be such a great team. Yuna feels a bit bad about having to choose between them, but in the end she puts Balthier in the position of first mate. Utena understands that he's more qualified, so there's no resentment between them.
Utena/Yuna/Balthier: OT3? They would be wonderful together.
EDIT: Whoops, missed the latter part of the question! The ship would survive for quite a while, because they are a competent trio, because Yuna's loveliness means they're less likely to make enemies than the average band of pirates, and because Yuna can call down gods to protect them should they get into trouble.
pinkfinity:
Jeremy Usborne and Utena Tenjou see a big blue policebox on a streetcorner. What do they do?
Utena is unfamiliar with Doctor Who and has no idea of its significance, so she would entirely pass it by were it not for the excited reaction of Jeremy, who at first idly half-watched Doctor Who because Mark was watching it and then came to massively fancy David Tennant. It's probably not the real TARDIS, he thinks, because that's impossible, but... but maybe it is the real TARDIS. Maybe the Doctor will be inside it, and he'll look exactly like David Tennant, and Jeremy will find out just how asexual he is, and also they'll see the universe or some shit like that.
Jeremy's explanation of what the TARDIS is to Utena is a little incoherent, but she manages to grasp that it's a way of visiting other worlds, which is quite an exciting prospect. She's dubious about whether this box can really travel through space, but it wouldn't be the first time she's seen something impossible.
It's not the TARDIS, of course; it's just a replica police box. Jeremy is hugely disappointed; some part of him was genuinely convinced that he was about to become the best companion ever. Mark would be literally sick with envy.
(I would love to see Utena as the Doctor's companion, incidentally.)
Captain Jack Harkness and Ruby have both been invited to a charity ball. Which charity is it, is it fancy dress, do they show up and what excuse does each use to leave early?
It is a World War II-themed ball to raise money for war veterans. Harkness makes some time to go to it; he already has the perfect attire, after all, and he made some good friends back in the 1940s, and he's always up for a dance. Halfway through, though, Ianto calls to let him know that a tiger-octopus hybrid is trying to get into the base, and he leaves, giving the mostly-accurate excuse of 'boring work stuff'.
Ruby doesn't show up; she's got better things to do, for a given value of 'better'. Hypothetically, were she to show up, she would leave early using the time-honoured excuse of 'I'm going now, and if you try to stop me I'm going to kill you'.
Charlie Brooker crosses over into the Avatar-'verse. How does he feel about the Na'avi situation?
I have not seen Avatar and so have no idea of what the Na'avi situation is, but I probably have a fair chance of being right if I say he feels it's stupid.
th_esaurus:
DOES RUBY LIKE TIRAMISU???
All I know about Ruby's eating habits is that she is a big fan of ketchup and fried potatoes. I imagine she doesn't have tiramisu very often, but she's not averse to stealing some if whomever she's talking to is eating it.
Jeremy Usborne takes Balthier Bunansa on a date. Where does he take him and does it end in KISSFACETIMES?
Oh, dear, I do not feel that these two are terribly compatible. Jeremy probably takes him to a fast food place or LaserQuest or somewhere similarly below Balthier's tastes. Balthier despises him. Jeremy is oblivious to his scorn, despite the fact that every word Balthier says during their conversation, which Balthier tries to keep as brief as possible for the sake of his sanity, is laden with sarcasm.
Actually, Balthier enjoys LaserQuest a tiny bit. He's never going to admit it, though.
Afterwards, Jeremy invites him back to the flat, where KISSFACETIMES, he is convinced, will ensue. In fact, he's going to move in for a kiss right now.
Balthier, thoroughly tired of the evening, casts Stop on him, then hops on his hoverbike and departs.
Jeremy thinks he is amazing.
brewsternorth:
All fifteen characters are in a murder mystery. Who is the first to be bumped off? Who decides to play detective, and who joins in? Finally, whodunnit?
Merlin is the first to be killed. Probably the murderer at least suspected that he had powers, and therefore that he might be able to magically reveal the identity of the killer.
Sherlock Holmes plays detective, of course. That much is obvious. Mark Corrigan desperately want to help, to impress him, but he knows he'll just make a tit of himself, so he stays quiet. To Mark's immense frustration, Jeremy somehow manages to acquire the role of Holmes' sidekick in the investigation, despite the fact that Jeremy has no deductive skills whatsoever and doesn't love Holmes like Mark does. He isn't Watson. Mark is Watson. Mark should be Watson.
Captain Jack Harkness insists that IT'S THE MASTER, YOU GUYS, IT HAS GOT TO BE THE MASTER; Dean is convinced the culprit is Ruby. The Master pulls an incredibly unconvincing 'who, me?' face. Ruby is nowhere to be seen.
Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell consider quietly removing themselves from the scene; they're broadcasters, not detectives, so they won't be able to contribute anything, and they'd prefer not to hang around and get killed. If they do sneak off, though, that's probably going to look suspicious. They stay in the background, trying to look unremarkable and sort of hating themselves for being so useless. Brooker is absolutely convinced that Mitchell is not a murderer and Mitchell is ninety-nine per cent sure that Brooker isn't, so they mostly stick together. They both suspect Dean Winchester, who is obviously mad, raving about demons and demanding salt, although the possibility that Mark Corrigan may have accidentally killed Merlin comes up in their discussion; accidental murder would fit perfectly into poor miserable Mark Corrigan's life.
Toph, acting independently of the Holmes-Usborne duo, marches up to every character present and demands to know whether they are the murderer, with the intention of detecting whether they are lying through the vibrations of the earth. None gives any sign of lying when they say they didn't do it, though. How mysterious. If the murderer is amongst them, he or she must be an excellent liar. ALMOST AS IF HE OR SHE WERE TO, SAY, LIE FOR A LIVING.
Holmes and Usborne interrogate Derren Brown and come away with a vague feeling that he is innocent and there is no need to investigate him further, although they both have trouble remembering anything that he actually said.
Hmmm.
timydamonkey:
Charlie Brooker has been institutionalised. Why?
Watching too much depressing news and appalling television for his programmes drove him mad. It was bound to happen eventually.
nevcolleil:
Sherlock Holmes, Utena Tenjou, and Charlie Brooker are Olympic athletes. What event do they compete in and who wins the gold out of the 3 of them?
Holmes competes in the boxing, Utena in the fencing. They are both excellent and could very well both take the gold. I suppose Utena wouldn't have Dios behind her at the Olympics, but she's a very good swordswoman in her own right.
I think Brooker is more likely to be an extremely sarcastic commentator than an athlete. He would definitely win the gold for sarcastic commentary, though.
Ruby and Derren Brown have a love/hate relationship. What do they love and hate about each other?
Derren is so one of the psychic children. Ruby loves the potential he has, but his supreme confidence in his own cleverness grates, and he will not open his eyes to the real world.
Derren hates Ruby's insistence that he has genuine psychic ability; they're all tricks, just psychological tricks, anyone could do them. He loves her delicious blood.
tamsin_m:
Sherlock Holmes bakes a cake. What sort of cake is it?
A terrible cake. Holmes' brilliance, it turns out, does not extend to cookery. The smell of burnt flour pervades 221B Baker Street for days. Watson wonders why on Earth he attempted it. It is probably part of a cunning plan by which Holmes intends to ensnare a murderer whom he knows to have no sense of smell or suspects to be posing as a culinary expert.
Yet more to come!