(no subject)
I feel like giving up. I just feel worthless and hopeless at this point in my life. I'm at that point where I just don't care which is an awful place to be when you're in college in a major like mine. College...that's another thing that's really just bumming me out. I mean, this is where you are supposed to find yourself, and figure out what you are supposed to do with your life right? Well I've only found more questions and uncertainty. I'm not happy here at Stout, I'm miserable and the only thing that's really keeping me quasi-sane is the people I'm familiar with. I don't have any really strong ties to this place, I find myself unable to be perfectly candid, always censoring myself or restricting how I am in one way or another. Which I know I shouldn't have to do but let's face it...this is small town Menomonie with small town people, it's not like back home in the cities. I just want to come home to the cities. That's were home is, not the house that I grew up in but with the people that I can be myself around...where I don't have to say the right things all the time, and I don't feel bad for being the wierd kid.
I keep hearing "do what makes you happy" from the people who give a shit about me and "well a bachelor's program will get you somewhere in life" from the rest. I'm sorry but I hate college. I hate being here, I hate the teachers....and all this is making me loathe the thing I love most. I was looking at MCTC today, where I really wanted to go and I realized it wouldn't be worth it...I've practically finished the program aside from a few classes. Even then...it's just a certificate that says I can do some stuff. I have 2.5-3 years of a Bachelor's...2 more left to go...might as well finish it right? Even if I hate it? I really just want to quit...I'm not happy...I'm starting to think I would be better off emotionally working at a bar somewhere for a while...I'd be alot happier than I am here.
So I guess what my real problem is ...is that I'm lonely.... I'm lonely for the people that I understand, for the people I don't have to pretend to, for the people who won't judge or care. I'm lonely for the lights, the clubs, the malls, the good food, the energy and the sophistication of the city. I'm lonely for someone who will be able to handle my freaking out, crying mess of a person.
I'm lonely for feeling like I have a home.
I don't know what to do anymore...I just want some idea of what to do...
I keep hearing "do what makes you happy" from the people who give a shit about me and "well a bachelor's program will get you somewhere in life" from the rest. I'm sorry but I hate college. I hate being here, I hate the teachers....and all this is making me loathe the thing I love most. I was looking at MCTC today, where I really wanted to go and I realized it wouldn't be worth it...I've practically finished the program aside from a few classes. Even then...it's just a certificate that says I can do some stuff. I have 2.5-3 years of a Bachelor's...2 more left to go...might as well finish it right? Even if I hate it? I really just want to quit...I'm not happy...I'm starting to think I would be better off emotionally working at a bar somewhere for a while...I'd be alot happier than I am here.
So I guess what my real problem is ...is that I'm lonely.... I'm lonely for the people that I understand, for the people I don't have to pretend to, for the people who won't judge or care. I'm lonely for the lights, the clubs, the malls, the good food, the energy and the sophistication of the city. I'm lonely for someone who will be able to handle my freaking out, crying mess of a person.
I'm lonely for feeling like I have a home.
I don't know what to do anymore...I just want some idea of what to do...