(no subject)
I realize I haven't updated this journal in far too long... in fact, when I think about it, I haven't really stopped to think and reflect about my life in a while. i think in some ways I've been going and doing and finding new projects or new things to obsess about so I don't have to stop and think or ponder, though I'm not exactly sure why... life has in many ways hit the rut of routine, though mixed with the feeling of constant business and moving on to the next "i need to do" (having two big weddings this fall doesn't help).
but i think there are a lot of things i just haven't really thought about, talked to myself about... and i haven't done it in so long, it's almost like i've forgotten how important it is for me to talk to myself about things. I've found i really miss the one-on-one sessions I used to have with my RUF minister Jason, or other mentors in school... and I don't really have a mentor here, someone to ask me hard or direct questions about my life and how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking about it. how is your quiet time (non existant), how do you feel about breaking up with your ex (avoiding thinking about it), where do you see your life headed (your guess is as good as mine).
i feel like i'm spending a lot of my time going through motions and doing what i need to do to get to the next thing (get through this next week of work, and then it's off to do ____), and a lot of time waiting... waiting for who knows what. I know God is doing things and planning things, but I'm just kind of like "okay, well you tell me when we're going somewhere new, i'm gonna keep doing this". in some ways i've been keenly feeling his presence, like with my two new roommates and my new house, which has just been wonderful. but in others i just feel... stagnant? I don't know. Things definitely feel better than last year, but at the same time, I'm not really sure what's different. I still feel like I dont' have that many friends here, like there's not enough time to do everything I want to do...
I think the summer has been hard in some ways because I got out of my "normal" routine, and instead went to this living to the next "thing". when there's something i need to do out of town, whether it be going on vacation, going to a wedding shower, etc. i have to plan my work schedule around it, so i end up working several days close together, and then spend the time off running off to the thing i needed to do. simple things from college days, like dinner out with friends, a long chat over coffee with a friend, games and laughter with a group of people- i still seem to be lacking these things. but i still cling to a hope that they are close on the horizon- but grow frustrated with the realization that i hardly even have time to try to plan them; it's not even a "there's not people to do things with" it's a- "there's not time" at least not time where we are all free at the same time.
i've been trying to think about what i'm passionate about recently; what do i want to spend most of my hours doing; i realized that in some ways was been frustrating- for many reasons, we're in a major shift in management (the biggest being there's not any... just a bunch of interims) and several people have left, so we're short staffed, and then now we're training a bunch of new people... i love the night shifts nurses, but i have doubts that i would enjoy day shift staff as much, but i wonder if i might enjoy day shift duties better, but i dread the fiercer managment/admistration pressure that would bring. sometimes i love my patients and leave feeling very fulfilled, and sometimes i leave frustrated. and i'm not really sure what i'd rather being doing, if anything. it's hard, because a lot of the things i long to be doing aren't things i can really do; i want to have babies that i am raising and loving and nurturing. i want to do something where i feel like i'm making a real difference in people's lifes... but what? i mean, i do make a difference in people's lifes where i am, but sometimes it can feel frustrating and futile- when you are caring for patients who have no real hope of recovery, or returning to a better quality of life; i was caring for a patient with expressive AND receptive aphasia the other night, and it was so sad- he just looked at my bewildered by everything I said- he had no idea what i was telling him, and no way to communicate what he wanted or needed. and instead of feeling compassionate, i mainly felt frustrated he wouldn't stop pulling off his ECG leads and go to sleep.
one hard thing about wondering what to do next (though i do know i'll stay where I am for at least another year), is that anything i think about, immediately is followed with "well, that sounds nice in my head, but would i *really* like it?". I could move to peds- but would i like it? some thoughts i'm even a little weary to verbalize... clinic work that would help needy learn about their medications/health needs. something even more psych related- i've actually been thinking about this one a lot more recently; but i don't even know why or what i'd want to do; i keep thinking about my teacher's residential facility she started for girls with eating disorders- how they were living in a house together and had multiple therapy sessions, etc. throughout the day; but i mean, i don't even know what i'd want to do with something like that, and really psych people when you get close to them can just get so frustrating- but there's also so much pain, and so much healing that needs to happen. but again- something i find interesting in theory, but would i actually enjoy a job with it? i have no idea... i have no idea what i want to do next. i like critical care, but i also don't know if i want to stay in critical care forever. i even looked up again recently the requirements for the mercy ship (or something similar) which would be probably at least a year long commitment abroad somewhere, doing missional nursing that would require raising funding, etc... and i could end up hating it; well, i don't think i'd end up hating that... but it's still so many variables. i do think maybe i should at least look into some short term week or two missional nursing trip... but that involves a lot of coordiation with work/vacation and such- and it kind of just gives me a headache. and the time i do take off, i selfishly want to spend visiting people who i miss and love and don't live close to.
which just goes back to a feeling of... confusion, uncertainity, not sure what the next step is, so just going through the steps of where i am now, and waiting to see if i'll figure out what comes next.
i try to go back to the things i do know in my life right now, and the things that do feel right. the biggest is that where i'm living now feels right. i feel like we fit, it all fits... but outside of that... i feel like i'm stil waiting for pieces to fall into place or something. somethings i've committed to i don't really feel are going to provide as much satisfaction as maybe desired- mainly more work related extra curricular commitments... and then there are things i wish i could commit to more that get frustrating when work gets in the way.
one of my best friends is getting married in less than two weeks; and my brother gets married in two months. and then it's going to be holiday time all over again, and 2011 will be over; i think this is shaping up to be the fastest year of my life... i hear it only gets worse, though...
i feel kind of frustrated right now because trying to stop and think about things or whatever... i don't feel like i've figured out anything else; i still feel like there's something that just feels off... or i dunno... something. i feel like i'm suspended in time, but time keeps moving. not being in school anymore, i don't really feel the passage of time anymore, but i still keeps seeing it going by... and yet i feel like i'm not moving with it? so i guess maybe the feeling i'm having has to do with feeling like where i am right now is going to be where i am forever, and then getting anxious because that's definitely not what i want, and then feeling like i have to figure out what i do want "forever" to be like and then go do that... but that's the thing- what i'm doing now ISN'T forever; it's just a small piece of what will be the rest of my life; i just wish i knew what the rest of it was going to be... i think i'm afraid of just getting stuck where i am because i told myself to not stress about figuring out what comes next, so now maybe i'm over worrying about what comes next so that i don't get stuck here; and i guess seeing other people moving forward, and feeling like i'm not makes it worse? like knowing i'm about to watch a best friend get married, and wondering- what have i done this past year? she's fallen in love and is getting married, and i'm just... here? i dunno... i'm not explaining well.
anyway... i think i'm going to go catch up on youtube videos now (because with all my obsessing over the hunger games and bones, i've gotten drastically behind) i'll save the rest of this pondering for another day...
but i think there are a lot of things i just haven't really thought about, talked to myself about... and i haven't done it in so long, it's almost like i've forgotten how important it is for me to talk to myself about things. I've found i really miss the one-on-one sessions I used to have with my RUF minister Jason, or other mentors in school... and I don't really have a mentor here, someone to ask me hard or direct questions about my life and how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking about it. how is your quiet time (non existant), how do you feel about breaking up with your ex (avoiding thinking about it), where do you see your life headed (your guess is as good as mine).
i feel like i'm spending a lot of my time going through motions and doing what i need to do to get to the next thing (get through this next week of work, and then it's off to do ____), and a lot of time waiting... waiting for who knows what. I know God is doing things and planning things, but I'm just kind of like "okay, well you tell me when we're going somewhere new, i'm gonna keep doing this". in some ways i've been keenly feeling his presence, like with my two new roommates and my new house, which has just been wonderful. but in others i just feel... stagnant? I don't know. Things definitely feel better than last year, but at the same time, I'm not really sure what's different. I still feel like I dont' have that many friends here, like there's not enough time to do everything I want to do...
I think the summer has been hard in some ways because I got out of my "normal" routine, and instead went to this living to the next "thing". when there's something i need to do out of town, whether it be going on vacation, going to a wedding shower, etc. i have to plan my work schedule around it, so i end up working several days close together, and then spend the time off running off to the thing i needed to do. simple things from college days, like dinner out with friends, a long chat over coffee with a friend, games and laughter with a group of people- i still seem to be lacking these things. but i still cling to a hope that they are close on the horizon- but grow frustrated with the realization that i hardly even have time to try to plan them; it's not even a "there's not people to do things with" it's a- "there's not time" at least not time where we are all free at the same time.
i've been trying to think about what i'm passionate about recently; what do i want to spend most of my hours doing; i realized that in some ways was been frustrating- for many reasons, we're in a major shift in management (the biggest being there's not any... just a bunch of interims) and several people have left, so we're short staffed, and then now we're training a bunch of new people... i love the night shifts nurses, but i have doubts that i would enjoy day shift staff as much, but i wonder if i might enjoy day shift duties better, but i dread the fiercer managment/admistration pressure that would bring. sometimes i love my patients and leave feeling very fulfilled, and sometimes i leave frustrated. and i'm not really sure what i'd rather being doing, if anything. it's hard, because a lot of the things i long to be doing aren't things i can really do; i want to have babies that i am raising and loving and nurturing. i want to do something where i feel like i'm making a real difference in people's lifes... but what? i mean, i do make a difference in people's lifes where i am, but sometimes it can feel frustrating and futile- when you are caring for patients who have no real hope of recovery, or returning to a better quality of life; i was caring for a patient with expressive AND receptive aphasia the other night, and it was so sad- he just looked at my bewildered by everything I said- he had no idea what i was telling him, and no way to communicate what he wanted or needed. and instead of feeling compassionate, i mainly felt frustrated he wouldn't stop pulling off his ECG leads and go to sleep.
one hard thing about wondering what to do next (though i do know i'll stay where I am for at least another year), is that anything i think about, immediately is followed with "well, that sounds nice in my head, but would i *really* like it?". I could move to peds- but would i like it? some thoughts i'm even a little weary to verbalize... clinic work that would help needy learn about their medications/health needs. something even more psych related- i've actually been thinking about this one a lot more recently; but i don't even know why or what i'd want to do; i keep thinking about my teacher's residential facility she started for girls with eating disorders- how they were living in a house together and had multiple therapy sessions, etc. throughout the day; but i mean, i don't even know what i'd want to do with something like that, and really psych people when you get close to them can just get so frustrating- but there's also so much pain, and so much healing that needs to happen. but again- something i find interesting in theory, but would i actually enjoy a job with it? i have no idea... i have no idea what i want to do next. i like critical care, but i also don't know if i want to stay in critical care forever. i even looked up again recently the requirements for the mercy ship (or something similar) which would be probably at least a year long commitment abroad somewhere, doing missional nursing that would require raising funding, etc... and i could end up hating it; well, i don't think i'd end up hating that... but it's still so many variables. i do think maybe i should at least look into some short term week or two missional nursing trip... but that involves a lot of coordiation with work/vacation and such- and it kind of just gives me a headache. and the time i do take off, i selfishly want to spend visiting people who i miss and love and don't live close to.
which just goes back to a feeling of... confusion, uncertainity, not sure what the next step is, so just going through the steps of where i am now, and waiting to see if i'll figure out what comes next.
i try to go back to the things i do know in my life right now, and the things that do feel right. the biggest is that where i'm living now feels right. i feel like we fit, it all fits... but outside of that... i feel like i'm stil waiting for pieces to fall into place or something. somethings i've committed to i don't really feel are going to provide as much satisfaction as maybe desired- mainly more work related extra curricular commitments... and then there are things i wish i could commit to more that get frustrating when work gets in the way.
one of my best friends is getting married in less than two weeks; and my brother gets married in two months. and then it's going to be holiday time all over again, and 2011 will be over; i think this is shaping up to be the fastest year of my life... i hear it only gets worse, though...
i feel kind of frustrated right now because trying to stop and think about things or whatever... i don't feel like i've figured out anything else; i still feel like there's something that just feels off... or i dunno... something. i feel like i'm suspended in time, but time keeps moving. not being in school anymore, i don't really feel the passage of time anymore, but i still keeps seeing it going by... and yet i feel like i'm not moving with it? so i guess maybe the feeling i'm having has to do with feeling like where i am right now is going to be where i am forever, and then getting anxious because that's definitely not what i want, and then feeling like i have to figure out what i do want "forever" to be like and then go do that... but that's the thing- what i'm doing now ISN'T forever; it's just a small piece of what will be the rest of my life; i just wish i knew what the rest of it was going to be... i think i'm afraid of just getting stuck where i am because i told myself to not stress about figuring out what comes next, so now maybe i'm over worrying about what comes next so that i don't get stuck here; and i guess seeing other people moving forward, and feeling like i'm not makes it worse? like knowing i'm about to watch a best friend get married, and wondering- what have i done this past year? she's fallen in love and is getting married, and i'm just... here? i dunno... i'm not explaining well.
anyway... i think i'm going to go catch up on youtube videos now (because with all my obsessing over the hunger games and bones, i've gotten drastically behind) i'll save the rest of this pondering for another day...