(no subject)
I don't think I'm ever really going to stop missing my college group. I'm not sure if I'll ever get a friend group like that back again, and it grieves my heart. Like C.S Lewis says- I've lost parts of all of them and of myself because we're not together. I miss my girlfriends who I don't need to explain myself to and who always know when something is wrong, and who i can just rest and be with. and i miss my guy friends a lot. who make me laugh and are so caring. I miss Lee's voices and Josh's occasional outbursts, and Michael and Ryan's banter and coded conversation.
I miss feeling like a part of something that was bigger and better than any of us alone. I miss oh i miss it. i miss them.
i know i define myself and find my identity in my relationships, in friendships, in family.
i think coming up on my birthday is kind of making the difference and the loss i feel without my college friends around just more apparent. thinking of last year, heck, the last 4 years, and just how surrounded by love and friends who care for me and love me and do things like surprise me with a birthday cake after graduation.
and it's not that i'm not doing anything this year- i'm going to the renfest with my brother and christina (fiance) and some of her friends from down in franklin, and i think it will be fun. and then i'm trying to get a game night together for that night- but... the feeling of anxiety and fear and self consciousness and wondering if people will even want to come or only come to be nice or because they feel sorry for me but really not want to, or think it's weird, combined with the fact that most people are busy, and i don't have but a few friends in nashville who i actually have and do open up to with big deep personal stuff, and none of them know each other; i don't have a group, i have a few isolated friendships that i try my best to get together with whenever we can. and it's just not the same.
i feel like i so deeply need fellowship with a group, a group that knows each other, that loves each other. i miss inside jokes, i miss dinners where i actually feel like i belong, like i have a part to play, like i can contribute to conversation always. i'm so tired of meeting people, of continually casually getting to know people and never actually *knowing* people and having them *know* me.
and i really do have great hope that these two new girls i'm going to live with are going to be really positive, and that they'll be people i can open up to and who can open up to me, because we've already started that some; i so wish i could skip ahead a month to really start that process.
but i'm busy; i have work, i have weddings, even if the desire to grow friendships is there, the general flow of life in the "real" world hinders it.
i feel like this should eventually get easier. but i feel like instead i'm just coasting by with just enough to not go totally insane, and then every few months it hits me and i have to sit and grieve for everything i've lost.
and i know... i know that through this, god is trying to draw me closer to him, into a deeper dependence on him, but i can't help but still feel angry that he had to take away something that was such a blessing and that was glorifying to him, and angry that i feel like almost a year into post college life and i feel like i've barely made a dent in finding a new place and in feeling like i belong somewhere.
i just feel so alone most of the time. even when i'm surrounded by people. sometimes especially when i'm surrounded by people.
I miss feeling like a part of something that was bigger and better than any of us alone. I miss oh i miss it. i miss them.
i know i define myself and find my identity in my relationships, in friendships, in family.
i think coming up on my birthday is kind of making the difference and the loss i feel without my college friends around just more apparent. thinking of last year, heck, the last 4 years, and just how surrounded by love and friends who care for me and love me and do things like surprise me with a birthday cake after graduation.
and it's not that i'm not doing anything this year- i'm going to the renfest with my brother and christina (fiance) and some of her friends from down in franklin, and i think it will be fun. and then i'm trying to get a game night together for that night- but... the feeling of anxiety and fear and self consciousness and wondering if people will even want to come or only come to be nice or because they feel sorry for me but really not want to, or think it's weird, combined with the fact that most people are busy, and i don't have but a few friends in nashville who i actually have and do open up to with big deep personal stuff, and none of them know each other; i don't have a group, i have a few isolated friendships that i try my best to get together with whenever we can. and it's just not the same.
i feel like i so deeply need fellowship with a group, a group that knows each other, that loves each other. i miss inside jokes, i miss dinners where i actually feel like i belong, like i have a part to play, like i can contribute to conversation always. i'm so tired of meeting people, of continually casually getting to know people and never actually *knowing* people and having them *know* me.
and i really do have great hope that these two new girls i'm going to live with are going to be really positive, and that they'll be people i can open up to and who can open up to me, because we've already started that some; i so wish i could skip ahead a month to really start that process.
but i'm busy; i have work, i have weddings, even if the desire to grow friendships is there, the general flow of life in the "real" world hinders it.
i feel like this should eventually get easier. but i feel like instead i'm just coasting by with just enough to not go totally insane, and then every few months it hits me and i have to sit and grieve for everything i've lost.
and i know... i know that through this, god is trying to draw me closer to him, into a deeper dependence on him, but i can't help but still feel angry that he had to take away something that was such a blessing and that was glorifying to him, and angry that i feel like almost a year into post college life and i feel like i've barely made a dent in finding a new place and in feeling like i belong somewhere.
i just feel so alone most of the time. even when i'm surrounded by people. sometimes especially when i'm surrounded by people.