E is for Expletives
Title: E is for Expletives
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: A snippet from the Keri ‘verse - post Panor
Characters: Charlie O’Neill, Chuck, Dusty Mehra, Nate Stackhouse, OC
Pairing: Charlie/Chuck, Markham/Stackhouse
Rating: NC-17
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,215
Prompt: “Dirty Talk”
Notes: This is based on a card game I witnessed last week. So yes, there are people who actually talk like this. My friends amuse the shit out of me.
Chuck’s radio beeped in his ear, startling him as he was staring intently at his computer screen. The only person that regularly called him was his panor’e’ten so he had a fair idea of who was on the other end of the com line. “Yes?” he asked as he tapped the radio.
“Are you up for a night out tonight? Dad and Sam offered to take the bug.”
A night out? It had been a while, quite a while. “Sarah is not a bug.”
“She is too. She’s a little crawly, drooling rug bug. So how about it, up for a card game?” Chuck could tell by the tone of his panor’e’ten’s voice that Charlie really wanted him to agree.
“Sure, okay. So long as the folks don’t mind taking Sarah,” he stressed their daughter’s name.
Charlie snickered. “Dad said something about baby death matches, two rug rats enter, one rug rat leaves. He’s putting his money on Hope.”
Rolling his eyes, Chuck played along. “Well, Sarah has those razor tipped fingers. My money is on the littlest O’Neill.” He still had the scar over his eye from the scratch the baby gave him accidentally when he was changing her diaper. “What time?”
“2030. I should warn you, Mac Nelson is running the game, he’s an unrepentant foul mouth.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“You’ve been warned,” Charlie said ominously. “Love ya, see ya later.”
~*~
“Mac’s mostly talk; he’s actually a nice guy. Don’t take any of his threats to heart; he would never carry through on them. Unless you were a wraith, then he might,” Charlie reiterated his earlier warning, feeling a need to prepare his keri for the impending verbal barrage.
The door to Nelson’s quarters slid open as Charlie waved a hand over the crystal beside it. “About time you showed up, asshole. You’re holding up the game. Oh, wait sorry, Captain Asshole.”
Charlie ushered Chuck in and snapped back, “Looks to me like it’s Stackhouse we’re waiting on.”
“Henpecked motherfucker had to put the kid to bed before he could come,” Mac replied in a nasally, mocking voice. “He was more fun before Markham cut his balls off and completely domesticated him.”
They went to the table, Chuck slid in beside Dusty Mehra, who grinned at them as she shuffled a deck of cards. “We’ve got a mixed bag of stakes, some chocolate bars, a bag of tea, a few dessert ration tokens, and half a bottle of scotch.”
“Half a bottle?” Chuck crooked an eyebrow as he looked over at the small stack of goodies they were playing for.
“I had a rough week, okay?” Mac glared at Charlie, daring him to say anything. “Did you assholes bring anything good?”
“Coffee, a tin of cookies and a bag of beef jerky.”
“That fucking tears it; I’m winning tonight, scotch and beef jerky!” Mac let out a belch and patted his middle. “Bring it on, fuckers!”
Chuck glanced over at Charlie with a look of mild surprise. He’d warned his keri, but this first exposure to Mac off duty had to be a little jarring. Mac had no filters. None at all. He was an equal opportunity offender, everyone and everything was fair game. Luckily, he knew how to keep quiet in the field, though he was on a security detail in the city and rarely went offworld. Which was good, offending the Pegasus natives would not be a good thing.
The door chimed and Stackhouse rushed in, looking harried. He dropped a bag on the chair with the rest of the stuff and quickly took the seat between Charlie and Mac. Surprisingly Mac limited his greeting to “About fucking time.”
“Let’s start. Winner take all, I’m not in the fucking mood to figure out what the hell is worth what, that shits for fucking sissy ass accountants. Rummy 500, dealer’s choice of hand size. You know how to play Chuckles?”
“Yup. Been a while but I’m sure it will come back to me.”
Mehra gave the deck a last fan shuffle and then dealt out six cards to each of them and flipped over a four of clubs to start the discard pile. And thus began the obscene diatribe of Mac Nelson.
“I’ve got a pile of shit in my fucking hand. Mehra, you dealt me a pile of shit!”
“So sorry, darling,” but she wasn’t, really.
“Bitch whore, you stacked the deck.”
Nate looked up from his hand. “What?”
“Not you, asswipe, I was talking about the bitch whore over there.”
“Oh.” Nate scooped up the entire discard pile and the rest of the table groaned or sighed as he put down two runs in front of him and discarded. Charlie smirked and took the nine he discarded.
“Great, just great! Fucking feed him what he wants, why don’t you? Are you gonna discard or are you gonna just stare at the pretty colors all day, dickwad?” Apparently Chuck already had Mac filters in place; he ignored the insult and put down a run of twos then discarded at his own pace.
Mehra immediately scooped up the six Chuck put down.
“Sonovabitch, you slut! I wanted that! I’ma bend you over and fuck you raw, you fucked up my run,, bitch! Cock whore!” Ignoring him, Dusty delicately dropped her run of sixes and then grinned at Mac as he sputtered angrily. “Titty fuck your ass, right on the table! Then blam, blam and kablam! Fucking grabby whore.”
Chuck looked from Mehra, sitting calmly, to Mac as he fumed and moved cards around in his hand and laughed. Relieved that Chuck seemed to get the whole Mac thing, Charlie assessed his own hand, which had also been screwed up by Mehra’s play.
Mac drew from the deck and his shoulders sagged. “I’m so fucked. Bitch whore from hell, wrecked my hand.” He shuffled his cards and dropped an eight on the discard pile. He glared at Charlie, challenge on his face. “You take that, I’ll beat you like an unwanted puppy. Go ahead, take it, I dare you, I fucking dare you.”
Teasingly, Charlie reached for it, letting his hand hover over the discard pile, then swerved and picked up from the deck. “So, Mehra, you given any more thought to joining my division?”
“I like being on Teldy’s team, Cap. I think I’ll stick for now, but maybe sometime in the future, eh?”
“Door’s always open.”
“The rain in fucking Spain, man, would you discard before I reach under the table and rip your dick off? Fucking officer bullshit, play cards! What are you grinning at, shithead?”
Stackhouse lifted a card from his hand and waved it. “I bet I have what you need.”
“Asshole.”
“Is that the best you’ve got? Asshole? C’mon Mac, you can do better than that,” Nate said, leaning back to sprawl in his chair as he held his cards loosely in his hand. Charlie knew him well enough to know Stacks was digging at Mac just to pass the time. As usual, Mac fell for it, as he did every time. The only thing funnier than a wound up and frustrated Mac Nelson was a drunk Mac Nelson. Unfortunately, they were low on booze these days because Zelenka’s still had exploded. Again. It would be awhile before there was alcohol to be had that didn’t cost an arm, a leg and a month of dessert rations.
“I hope you need a tracheotomy. You get a tracheotomy and I’ma squat over you and shit in your new blowhole, you taint fondling, foreskin sucking anal wart.”
“See? Much better when you put your mind to it,” Nate grinned as Chuck snorted.
Charlie dropped the run of Jacks he had in his hand, not wanting to get caught with the thirty points if someone went out this go around. He dropped an ace of spades on the discard pile.
Beside him, Mac turned red and bounced in his chair. “What the fuck?!?” As Chuck picked up the ace, Mac shouted “FUCK!” When Chuck dropped four aces on the table, Mac pointed at Charlie. “You fucking piece of shit. I’m gonna shit in your ass crack. Feeding fucking Snatchy McSnatchhead over there. You fucking gave him a free fucking fifteen points asshole!”
Chuck smirked, dropped a six on Mehra’s run and discarded his final card, screwing everyone holding the face cards that were noticeably absent from the tabletop. Mac flung his hand down. “You twat! You brought a ringer in here, Captain Asshole! You fed him that fucking ace, man. I wanna fucking stab you. I’m looking for something to stab you with, then I’m gonna ram my cock in the bloody hole. Fucking negative sixty, you penile abrasion.”
Calmly, Dusty ignored Mac’s whining and continued muttering as she jotted down everyone’s scores for the hand. Then she pushed the deck at Mac. “Your deal.”
He shuffled and glared around the table, then dealt out five cards to everyone. “Shit!” he exclaimed as he looked at his hand. Charlie picked up and tossed a useless three.
“Who cut loose?” Nate asked, waving a hand in front of his face.
“Wasn’t me,” Chuck said as he picked up a card.
Dusty giggled and Mac glared across the table at her. “Seriously bitch, what the fuck did you eat? Damn, it’s like you ate shit, shitted it out, fried it, ate it and shitted it out again! Fucking babies are crying two levels up, you reek so bad.”
Arranging his cards, Nate just smirked as Mac snarled, “You’re so fucking anal, Stacks. You OCD asshole, why the fuck are you rearranging things again?” He continued in a falsetto voice, “I’ll move this here and this here and hang some fucking curtains over here.” He waved a hand at Stackhouse’s hand. “It doesn’t matter, you’ve got a fucking handful of pubes. Pick up a card asshole or I’m gonna titty fuck your damned ass!”
Nate picked up and discarded in rapid succession.
“Oh fuck. Fucking shit, fucking balls,” Mac whined.
Smiling sweetly, Mehra asked, “Are you all right, Mac?”
“No, I’m gonna have a fucking seizure. Whose turn is it?”
“Yours,” Charlie replied.
“I’ve got fucking PTSD. Whatever I do, I’m fucked. Stupid ass over there with forty points on the table already,” he pointed at Chuck, who just grinned in response, Charlie was proud of his keri for not being cowed by Mac’s abrasive manner.
“If he’s so stupid, how come he’s got you by a hundred and twenty five points?” Charlie asked, sticking up for his keri.
Mac looked up from his cards. “You are dead to me. Now shut the fuck up, I’m trying to think.”
“Any year now,” Mehra sang cheerily. “Pick a card, Nelson.”
“Fuck you, bitchwhore.”
“I guess he doesn’t want the ten, burnt too much last hand with them,” Nate commented as Mac ignored the discard pile and took a new card instead.
“Douche Baggins, shut the fuck up.”
Nate grinned and hunched over his cards, caressing them as he looked over at the rejected ten of hearts. “Hates it we does.” He fondled his cards lovingly. “My preciouses.”
“Go back to Shitshire, you fucking…”
“Mac, play something already!” Charlie urged, daring to interrupt the latest tirade of insults before it started.
“Mother piss bucket,” Nate offered helpfully as Mac continued to glare at his cards.
Mac turned the glare on Stacks. “C’mon, bring the big boy words to the table, fucking wart cock.”
“Personally,” Mehra said, “I’ve always preferred scrotal scab.”
Mac discarded a four and looked over at Dusty. “Hey, Mehra, you like dragons?”
She tugged her collar aside to show the tail of a dragon curling up from her breast. “Yeah, why?”
“How would you like me to drag-in my fucking nuts over your face?”
~*~
Chuck juggled the bag of coffee and half liter of scotch as Charlie carried the rest of his keri’s haul home. When they turned the corner at the end of the corridor, Chuck said quietly, “That was different.”
“He’s all bluster.”
“I got that early on. I do believe that was the first time anyone has ever called me a masturbating monkey and threatened to violate my corpse.”
“Well, you did win his scotch.’
“Shouldn’t have put it in if he couldn’t afford to lose it,” Chuck smirked up at him. “Did you mean it when you said you were gonna fuck me over for beating you?”
“Well, not as such, no. Mac infected me a little at the end there. Sorry.”
“Oh. I was hoping maybe to get lucky tonight.”
“Luckier, you mean. C’mon, I’ll take you home and do nasty things to you.”
The End
Originally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis - AU
Series: A snippet from the Keri ‘verse - post Panor
Characters: Charlie O’Neill, Chuck, Dusty Mehra, Nate Stackhouse, OC
Pairing: Charlie/Chuck, Markham/Stackhouse
Rating: NC-17
Orientation: Slash
Word Count: 2,215
Prompt: “Dirty Talk”
Notes: This is based on a card game I witnessed last week. So yes, there are people who actually talk like this. My friends amuse the shit out of me.
Chuck’s radio beeped in his ear, startling him as he was staring intently at his computer screen. The only person that regularly called him was his panor’e’ten so he had a fair idea of who was on the other end of the com line. “Yes?” he asked as he tapped the radio.
“Are you up for a night out tonight? Dad and Sam offered to take the bug.”
A night out? It had been a while, quite a while. “Sarah is not a bug.”
“She is too. She’s a little crawly, drooling rug bug. So how about it, up for a card game?” Chuck could tell by the tone of his panor’e’ten’s voice that Charlie really wanted him to agree.
“Sure, okay. So long as the folks don’t mind taking Sarah,” he stressed their daughter’s name.
Charlie snickered. “Dad said something about baby death matches, two rug rats enter, one rug rat leaves. He’s putting his money on Hope.”
Rolling his eyes, Chuck played along. “Well, Sarah has those razor tipped fingers. My money is on the littlest O’Neill.” He still had the scar over his eye from the scratch the baby gave him accidentally when he was changing her diaper. “What time?”
“2030. I should warn you, Mac Nelson is running the game, he’s an unrepentant foul mouth.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“You’ve been warned,” Charlie said ominously. “Love ya, see ya later.”
~*~
“Mac’s mostly talk; he’s actually a nice guy. Don’t take any of his threats to heart; he would never carry through on them. Unless you were a wraith, then he might,” Charlie reiterated his earlier warning, feeling a need to prepare his keri for the impending verbal barrage.
The door to Nelson’s quarters slid open as Charlie waved a hand over the crystal beside it. “About time you showed up, asshole. You’re holding up the game. Oh, wait sorry, Captain Asshole.”
Charlie ushered Chuck in and snapped back, “Looks to me like it’s Stackhouse we’re waiting on.”
“Henpecked motherfucker had to put the kid to bed before he could come,” Mac replied in a nasally, mocking voice. “He was more fun before Markham cut his balls off and completely domesticated him.”
They went to the table, Chuck slid in beside Dusty Mehra, who grinned at them as she shuffled a deck of cards. “We’ve got a mixed bag of stakes, some chocolate bars, a bag of tea, a few dessert ration tokens, and half a bottle of scotch.”
“Half a bottle?” Chuck crooked an eyebrow as he looked over at the small stack of goodies they were playing for.
“I had a rough week, okay?” Mac glared at Charlie, daring him to say anything. “Did you assholes bring anything good?”
“Coffee, a tin of cookies and a bag of beef jerky.”
“That fucking tears it; I’m winning tonight, scotch and beef jerky!” Mac let out a belch and patted his middle. “Bring it on, fuckers!”
Chuck glanced over at Charlie with a look of mild surprise. He’d warned his keri, but this first exposure to Mac off duty had to be a little jarring. Mac had no filters. None at all. He was an equal opportunity offender, everyone and everything was fair game. Luckily, he knew how to keep quiet in the field, though he was on a security detail in the city and rarely went offworld. Which was good, offending the Pegasus natives would not be a good thing.
The door chimed and Stackhouse rushed in, looking harried. He dropped a bag on the chair with the rest of the stuff and quickly took the seat between Charlie and Mac. Surprisingly Mac limited his greeting to “About fucking time.”
“Let’s start. Winner take all, I’m not in the fucking mood to figure out what the hell is worth what, that shits for fucking sissy ass accountants. Rummy 500, dealer’s choice of hand size. You know how to play Chuckles?”
“Yup. Been a while but I’m sure it will come back to me.”
Mehra gave the deck a last fan shuffle and then dealt out six cards to each of them and flipped over a four of clubs to start the discard pile. And thus began the obscene diatribe of Mac Nelson.
“I’ve got a pile of shit in my fucking hand. Mehra, you dealt me a pile of shit!”
“So sorry, darling,” but she wasn’t, really.
“Bitch whore, you stacked the deck.”
Nate looked up from his hand. “What?”
“Not you, asswipe, I was talking about the bitch whore over there.”
“Oh.” Nate scooped up the entire discard pile and the rest of the table groaned or sighed as he put down two runs in front of him and discarded. Charlie smirked and took the nine he discarded.
“Great, just great! Fucking feed him what he wants, why don’t you? Are you gonna discard or are you gonna just stare at the pretty colors all day, dickwad?” Apparently Chuck already had Mac filters in place; he ignored the insult and put down a run of twos then discarded at his own pace.
Mehra immediately scooped up the six Chuck put down.
“Sonovabitch, you slut! I wanted that! I’ma bend you over and fuck you raw, you fucked up my run,, bitch! Cock whore!” Ignoring him, Dusty delicately dropped her run of sixes and then grinned at Mac as he sputtered angrily. “Titty fuck your ass, right on the table! Then blam, blam and kablam! Fucking grabby whore.”
Chuck looked from Mehra, sitting calmly, to Mac as he fumed and moved cards around in his hand and laughed. Relieved that Chuck seemed to get the whole Mac thing, Charlie assessed his own hand, which had also been screwed up by Mehra’s play.
Mac drew from the deck and his shoulders sagged. “I’m so fucked. Bitch whore from hell, wrecked my hand.” He shuffled his cards and dropped an eight on the discard pile. He glared at Charlie, challenge on his face. “You take that, I’ll beat you like an unwanted puppy. Go ahead, take it, I dare you, I fucking dare you.”
Teasingly, Charlie reached for it, letting his hand hover over the discard pile, then swerved and picked up from the deck. “So, Mehra, you given any more thought to joining my division?”
“I like being on Teldy’s team, Cap. I think I’ll stick for now, but maybe sometime in the future, eh?”
“Door’s always open.”
“The rain in fucking Spain, man, would you discard before I reach under the table and rip your dick off? Fucking officer bullshit, play cards! What are you grinning at, shithead?”
Stackhouse lifted a card from his hand and waved it. “I bet I have what you need.”
“Asshole.”
“Is that the best you’ve got? Asshole? C’mon Mac, you can do better than that,” Nate said, leaning back to sprawl in his chair as he held his cards loosely in his hand. Charlie knew him well enough to know Stacks was digging at Mac just to pass the time. As usual, Mac fell for it, as he did every time. The only thing funnier than a wound up and frustrated Mac Nelson was a drunk Mac Nelson. Unfortunately, they were low on booze these days because Zelenka’s still had exploded. Again. It would be awhile before there was alcohol to be had that didn’t cost an arm, a leg and a month of dessert rations.
“I hope you need a tracheotomy. You get a tracheotomy and I’ma squat over you and shit in your new blowhole, you taint fondling, foreskin sucking anal wart.”
“See? Much better when you put your mind to it,” Nate grinned as Chuck snorted.
Charlie dropped the run of Jacks he had in his hand, not wanting to get caught with the thirty points if someone went out this go around. He dropped an ace of spades on the discard pile.
Beside him, Mac turned red and bounced in his chair. “What the fuck?!?” As Chuck picked up the ace, Mac shouted “FUCK!” When Chuck dropped four aces on the table, Mac pointed at Charlie. “You fucking piece of shit. I’m gonna shit in your ass crack. Feeding fucking Snatchy McSnatchhead over there. You fucking gave him a free fucking fifteen points asshole!”
Chuck smirked, dropped a six on Mehra’s run and discarded his final card, screwing everyone holding the face cards that were noticeably absent from the tabletop. Mac flung his hand down. “You twat! You brought a ringer in here, Captain Asshole! You fed him that fucking ace, man. I wanna fucking stab you. I’m looking for something to stab you with, then I’m gonna ram my cock in the bloody hole. Fucking negative sixty, you penile abrasion.”
Calmly, Dusty ignored Mac’s whining and continued muttering as she jotted down everyone’s scores for the hand. Then she pushed the deck at Mac. “Your deal.”
He shuffled and glared around the table, then dealt out five cards to everyone. “Shit!” he exclaimed as he looked at his hand. Charlie picked up and tossed a useless three.
“Who cut loose?” Nate asked, waving a hand in front of his face.
“Wasn’t me,” Chuck said as he picked up a card.
Dusty giggled and Mac glared across the table at her. “Seriously bitch, what the fuck did you eat? Damn, it’s like you ate shit, shitted it out, fried it, ate it and shitted it out again! Fucking babies are crying two levels up, you reek so bad.”
Arranging his cards, Nate just smirked as Mac snarled, “You’re so fucking anal, Stacks. You OCD asshole, why the fuck are you rearranging things again?” He continued in a falsetto voice, “I’ll move this here and this here and hang some fucking curtains over here.” He waved a hand at Stackhouse’s hand. “It doesn’t matter, you’ve got a fucking handful of pubes. Pick up a card asshole or I’m gonna titty fuck your damned ass!”
Nate picked up and discarded in rapid succession.
“Oh fuck. Fucking shit, fucking balls,” Mac whined.
Smiling sweetly, Mehra asked, “Are you all right, Mac?”
“No, I’m gonna have a fucking seizure. Whose turn is it?”
“Yours,” Charlie replied.
“I’ve got fucking PTSD. Whatever I do, I’m fucked. Stupid ass over there with forty points on the table already,” he pointed at Chuck, who just grinned in response, Charlie was proud of his keri for not being cowed by Mac’s abrasive manner.
“If he’s so stupid, how come he’s got you by a hundred and twenty five points?” Charlie asked, sticking up for his keri.
Mac looked up from his cards. “You are dead to me. Now shut the fuck up, I’m trying to think.”
“Any year now,” Mehra sang cheerily. “Pick a card, Nelson.”
“Fuck you, bitchwhore.”
“I guess he doesn’t want the ten, burnt too much last hand with them,” Nate commented as Mac ignored the discard pile and took a new card instead.
“Douche Baggins, shut the fuck up.”
Nate grinned and hunched over his cards, caressing them as he looked over at the rejected ten of hearts. “Hates it we does.” He fondled his cards lovingly. “My preciouses.”
“Go back to Shitshire, you fucking…”
“Mac, play something already!” Charlie urged, daring to interrupt the latest tirade of insults before it started.
“Mother piss bucket,” Nate offered helpfully as Mac continued to glare at his cards.
Mac turned the glare on Stacks. “C’mon, bring the big boy words to the table, fucking wart cock.”
“Personally,” Mehra said, “I’ve always preferred scrotal scab.”
Mac discarded a four and looked over at Dusty. “Hey, Mehra, you like dragons?”
She tugged her collar aside to show the tail of a dragon curling up from her breast. “Yeah, why?”
“How would you like me to drag-in my fucking nuts over your face?”
~*~
Chuck juggled the bag of coffee and half liter of scotch as Charlie carried the rest of his keri’s haul home. When they turned the corner at the end of the corridor, Chuck said quietly, “That was different.”
“He’s all bluster.”
“I got that early on. I do believe that was the first time anyone has ever called me a masturbating monkey and threatened to violate my corpse.”
“Well, you did win his scotch.’
“Shouldn’t have put it in if he couldn’t afford to lose it,” Chuck smirked up at him. “Did you mean it when you said you were gonna fuck me over for beating you?”
“Well, not as such, no. Mac infected me a little at the end there. Sorry.”
“Oh. I was hoping maybe to get lucky tonight.”
“Luckier, you mean. C’mon, I’ll take you home and do nasty things to you.”
The End
Originally posted at http://rinkafic.dreamwidth.org/