Happy Fucking Holidays
Ugh. I hate it. Everything gets worse every day. Take a gun and put a bullet in my skull. Make it all go away, make me numb. As we speak it gets harder to breathe. Why? What is happening to me? What's so wrong on the inside? Was I born with some sort of...disfunction? Do I have a black mark on me that I cannot see? What makes me so fucked up that my mother and sister hate me so much and drive hurt into me?
Lower and lower...everyday. I feel like crying right now. Everyday they torture me to the point of me breaking. I break, I cry, I cut, I drink poison..whatever it takes. Why can't I just die? Theres no other escape. I've tried everything. I'm fucking sick of everything....why does it all happen?
I get so angry because I'm so envious of Chris's family. They are close and they're cute. They are all excited about Christmas coming..and they have a huge tree covered in ornaments..and they just have so much spirit. :/ Meanwhile my family is too busy making me crack and bitching that I can't even think about the holidays. So envious of what they have....parents who don't hate them, parents who don't constantly yell at them..no abuse...nothing.
I just want to leave. My mother threatened to send me away..and I'm pushing my luck. I doubt she'd actually send me away..she'd rather keep me here..and try to beat it and yell it out of me. But that makes it worse. She likes to pretend that it isn't her causing me to become this bipolar mess.
I thought I pulled myself out of the suicidal period..and mearly just to self-harming for my hurt. Well, I'm back in again...its become worse..and this time the suicidal thoughts and actions are for something more real than last time. Now that I think of it..school was a dumb reason to become like that..at least compared to this time. :/ Now all I think about it slitting my wrists and drinking poison.
Teenage angst my ass. Anyone who can think that is seriously not getting this whole situation. I've have "teenage angst" sure its bad..but its nothing like this. Teenage angst is when you're boyfriend dumps you..or when your teacher busts you for passing notes in class. Teenage angst is falling and embarrassing yourself in front of everyone. I can get over that...coming home to this mess and getting constant hate vibes from your own parent..being forced to fend for yourseld and being second rate to your sibling..being slapped around and ordered around../that/ I cannot deal with. *sigh*
"I want to fight I want to fight
So turn and forfeit."
Lower and lower...everyday. I feel like crying right now. Everyday they torture me to the point of me breaking. I break, I cry, I cut, I drink poison..whatever it takes. Why can't I just die? Theres no other escape. I've tried everything. I'm fucking sick of everything....why does it all happen?
I get so angry because I'm so envious of Chris's family. They are close and they're cute. They are all excited about Christmas coming..and they have a huge tree covered in ornaments..and they just have so much spirit. :/ Meanwhile my family is too busy making me crack and bitching that I can't even think about the holidays. So envious of what they have....parents who don't hate them, parents who don't constantly yell at them..no abuse...nothing.
I just want to leave. My mother threatened to send me away..and I'm pushing my luck. I doubt she'd actually send me away..she'd rather keep me here..and try to beat it and yell it out of me. But that makes it worse. She likes to pretend that it isn't her causing me to become this bipolar mess.
I thought I pulled myself out of the suicidal period..and mearly just to self-harming for my hurt. Well, I'm back in again...its become worse..and this time the suicidal thoughts and actions are for something more real than last time. Now that I think of it..school was a dumb reason to become like that..at least compared to this time. :/ Now all I think about it slitting my wrists and drinking poison.
Teenage angst my ass. Anyone who can think that is seriously not getting this whole situation. I've have "teenage angst" sure its bad..but its nothing like this. Teenage angst is when you're boyfriend dumps you..or when your teacher busts you for passing notes in class. Teenage angst is falling and embarrassing yourself in front of everyone. I can get over that...coming home to this mess and getting constant hate vibes from your own parent..being forced to fend for yourseld and being second rate to your sibling..being slapped around and ordered around../that/ I cannot deal with. *sigh*
"I want to fight I want to fight
So turn and forfeit."