till then goodbye

[rikuma]

With every puff of breath that clouds your mask i find myself releasing mine....

Grateful that i’m still able to hold your passive hands in mine...

With dreams that maybe tomorrow we can go to the beach...

That maybe someday you’ll recover and then we’ll get to marry like you’ve always wanted...

Everyday i find myself waking up with tightened throat...

calculating , analysing and mostly just hoping that today you’ll find it in you to open your eyes again,

to steal just a little more time for us to live our dreams,

just a little more time for you see the world,

and just a little more time for me to finally have to let go of you...

with every hitch of breath i find my heart skipping...

i find my hand clamming...

i find my body stiffening...

thinking that will this be your last breath...

will this be the last time i’ll see the emotions swimming in your eyes?

Will you find it in you to find your way back again to me...

When you flat lined...

I was frozen...

I was frozen because it seemed like a scene from the movie we last watched together where it ends with that girl getting a heart from a last minute donor...

It’s the same to the point where i feel like screaming for the director to quickly bring the heart now...

But i know it’s different ...

It’s different cause now instead of watching the guy crying for his girl...

I’m crying for you...

And the saltiness of my tears ...

The pain of my grip ... the half crescent wounds on my palms...

And the helplessness of the situation reminds me that this is life...

And in life there’s no happy endings...

There’s no happy endings cause you’ll eventually let go of him...

Whether it’s you of me or the other way around...

As they’re injecting you with adrenaline...

I find mine peaking...

As they pull the defibrillator to shock your heart up...

Thump it back to life...

I find mine slowing...

Cause i saw your smile and i’m content...

I’m content enough to let you go first...

To let you wait for me to come to you...

As they clear the body and prepare to shock you...

I shocked myself by stopping them...

Telling them off...

Telling them that it’s ok to stop...

That it’s ok to let you go...

To let you rest...

To let you die...

Cause in life there might not be happy endings...

But there are no endings in heaven...

So we’ll always be happy...

And till then i’ll survive...

I’ll keep living till it’s time for me to let go of my living life and join you...

And till then goodbye...