en effet, c'est ma vie.
i've realized that i'm outgrowing a lot of the social phobias i had. i never had good friendships when i was little, but i didn't really understand what good friendships were and because i was so close to my mom then it was just bad, i was attracted to mussed people who took advantage of me. mom used me as a teddy bear you know, and gave me candy when i cried and left me alone for long periods of time. i was just so skewed from the perspective she fed me - a severe manic depressive and was hit by a car when she was 4 years old that put her in a concussion for a few weeks and left a small cyst in her brain as a souveneir and she's been 4 years old since.
i was afraid of natural disasters. i lost sleep at night. experienced dread.
my mom told me when i was 12 i could have sex whenever i wanted and told me just to make sure to tell her about it, the same woman who haunted churches and copied psalms on notecards to hand out to trick-or-treaters.
what i meant by figuring myself out was, now that i'm away from her i'm starting to realize a lot of the things i thought were my fault were really just the extra responsibilities i took on because i had to, and thought they were mine to bear. i kind of went through a breakdown when i was 16, and i finally understand why. i was starting to understand i was different than a lot of people, and that i wasn't able to be as selfish for myself as other people can be as a basic right and i suddenly resented my family for the way it was and i resented myself most of all and i didn't want to see anyone and absolutely everyone made me feel inferior. i went to a counselor, had awful fights with my dad, that was when my mom started being violent with me.
it was me deconstructing. it put a lot of extra weight on my dad, he was already doing so much and it was too much for him to bear, me seemingly going crazy too. he got really angry in reaction and our relationship was really damaged. i stayed home from school all the time, when i almost dropped out in sophmore year. it drove my family insane, my mom had panic attacks because i wasn't going to finish high school, yadda yadda. my dad was always the middleman between my mom and i. my mom and i don't have a respectful relationship but we both respected him very much. i was mean. i was vicious. i was really horrible. i said a lot of things i meant, but didn't mean cruelly. he saw them cruelly. it crushed him that our relationship went down so badly because it was sustaining. you know, mom and him never had a good relationship but he's such a good man he had to help her.
he never left her because he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen to her on her own, even for our good.
and i know a large part of the reason i don't just up and go, leave her completley, cut her off, is because he loved her so much. even if she took advantage of him. she probably doesn't know better either. he would have been devastated and guilty forever for leaving her in such a state. my grandparents feel the same way, even when she does horrible things to me.
somehow i feel if i spell myself out, even though i need to, there'll be nothing left to love. because boys love mystery. so i've heard.
people of substance are the kind i've lacked in friendship and i realize that, now.
' "Well," she said, "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two go together. When people as your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane. Isn't this a nice time of night to walk? I like to smell things and look at things, and sometimes stay up all night, and watch the sun rise." '
- clarisse mcclellan
i was afraid of natural disasters. i lost sleep at night. experienced dread.
my mom told me when i was 12 i could have sex whenever i wanted and told me just to make sure to tell her about it, the same woman who haunted churches and copied psalms on notecards to hand out to trick-or-treaters.
what i meant by figuring myself out was, now that i'm away from her i'm starting to realize a lot of the things i thought were my fault were really just the extra responsibilities i took on because i had to, and thought they were mine to bear. i kind of went through a breakdown when i was 16, and i finally understand why. i was starting to understand i was different than a lot of people, and that i wasn't able to be as selfish for myself as other people can be as a basic right and i suddenly resented my family for the way it was and i resented myself most of all and i didn't want to see anyone and absolutely everyone made me feel inferior. i went to a counselor, had awful fights with my dad, that was when my mom started being violent with me.
it was me deconstructing. it put a lot of extra weight on my dad, he was already doing so much and it was too much for him to bear, me seemingly going crazy too. he got really angry in reaction and our relationship was really damaged. i stayed home from school all the time, when i almost dropped out in sophmore year. it drove my family insane, my mom had panic attacks because i wasn't going to finish high school, yadda yadda. my dad was always the middleman between my mom and i. my mom and i don't have a respectful relationship but we both respected him very much. i was mean. i was vicious. i was really horrible. i said a lot of things i meant, but didn't mean cruelly. he saw them cruelly. it crushed him that our relationship went down so badly because it was sustaining. you know, mom and him never had a good relationship but he's such a good man he had to help her.
he never left her because he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen to her on her own, even for our good.
and i know a large part of the reason i don't just up and go, leave her completley, cut her off, is because he loved her so much. even if she took advantage of him. she probably doesn't know better either. he would have been devastated and guilty forever for leaving her in such a state. my grandparents feel the same way, even when she does horrible things to me.
somehow i feel if i spell myself out, even though i need to, there'll be nothing left to love. because boys love mystery. so i've heard.
people of substance are the kind i've lacked in friendship and i realize that, now.
' "Well," she said, "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two go together. When people as your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane. Isn't this a nice time of night to walk? I like to smell things and look at things, and sometimes stay up all night, and watch the sun rise." '
- clarisse mcclellan