Between Hopeful and Hopeless
Between Hopeful and Hopeless
This entry has been a long time coming; needed as much as it is late. Things have been brewing and life tends to take hold of your hand and drag you around for awhile, all the time not really knowing what is going on. A whirlwind of activity, perhaps in the eye of the storm or are the clouds dissipating and the sun breaking through... who's to say?
<~Where The Sage Takes Off~>
A lonely, lost, and confused young adult with a mountains worth of weight, fell in despair. It was being alone in a crowd, afraid of the world, and the rejection of being something he was unsure of. Events played out in a cruel manifestation of life and once the ball starts to roll... well it goes where it wills. With the advent of the college laptop it was easy to fall prey to its solitary draw; get away from the reality that haunted every step. Email, instant messaging, and long nights filled up time and life outside of the homework and school scene; what time classes and equestrian activities did not consume, his friends became the keyboard and monitor.
It was not the pity that was sought- help maybe, a way to shed some of the pains? In any case, it is found that people are still no better on line than off. False securities are rampant everywhere you go, trust is hard to come by nowadays but that is how things work. In the long run, it was a good thing- you can't look back and expect things to be perfect because you learn from the mistakes and imperfections that occur in the wanderings of life. Regret what has happened... never. Perhaps it all could have been done better but then the outcome would be altered.
Eventually a few people end up popping into a cycle of chat. Becoming open to new ideas and the terms of the person he was becoming, the young man befriended a certain selected few whom showed what a true friend could be. As things always do, times changed and a shell had cracked. Opened to new experiences, helped by the few who showed the care, he gradually weened from the on line world and started to build the person he was supposed to be.
That lonely and lost soul was me. There is no telling what could have happened or should have, just look at what did and be proud that though the road was rough at times it made for the better person I see myself as today. Though pride kills angels, I would say I have some in myself now; all those times of ill feelings, depressed thought, sorrow and so forth never got so bad that they couldn't be over come- to prove that I am here today. Improved with the sight of being there, knowing where I was and could be, I am happy on how things have gone and know that it is still not over. There are still times where the day just drains every lasting ounce of me but I plan to push though and endure the hardships as they come- darkest before the dawn as there is always a minute bit of good in the bad.
<~Canada and the Boomerang Effect~>
As many know, I had a job opportunity up in Langley for Brent and Laura Balisky. I was working at Centenary until further notice at which I gave in June with a heavy heart. Jarett flew into Baltimore, Maryland to help me drive out to Vancouver (because of taking things and needing a car while I was there). We met my parents, had a wonderful brunch and said our goodbyes as Pennsylvania grew smaller and smaller behind Jarett and I.
The little trip was going to take about 5 days. Jarett brought his trusty GPS and had some stops planed along the way; some friends and a few sight-seeing ventures. The two of us were set for a road-trip, transcontinental and up into Canada at the end; little did we know...
It started out smoothly, the Mazda all packed down and us supplied with waters for the trip we headed off out of my hometown of Palmyra. The first few days were great: there was a lot to see out the windows but mostly it was just idle chatter that kept us us going and the stack of cd's I burned (sorry Jarett, the euro-techno, aqua, toy-box, country; needless to say it was quite a mix). In Illinois we met up with some of Jarett's friends, Mirko, Sigfried, and Slush. I felt out of place, not knowing anyone and completely out of my element. They were all very nice; had lunch, hung out and had a few drinks. We spent the night and were out the next morning.
All had been going well. The driving was easy, just boring at times (Iowa and South Dakota are the flattest, most boring states EVER!). Until Mount Rushmore, it was smooth sailing and then it went downhill. The transmission on the car burned out and shot fluid out the back. We got it towed off and found a hotel in Rapid City, waiting to see what the damage was. On a busy week, he estimated a few days for repairs (yikes and cha-ching, cha-ching). Jarett rented a car and we ended up seeing some marvelous sights: Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse monument, a wildlife reserve and some caves, while dining at the best Chinese food place I have ever eaten at. After a few days, numerous calls all over, then a hefty bill, we were on our way again.
(Jarett trying to see what is wrong)
The trip continued on through awful on then off roads in South Dakota, Montana (nothing there at all), parts of Missouri, Wyoming (flatter than a crepe put under a 10,000lb press). Once upon the ascent of the Rocky Mountains I felt pretty good about my driving abilities. On the way down however, I burned up the brakes which in-turn fried my mind. Jarett's idea of help drove me up the wall; I was nervous already, edgy from being in a car for so long, not sure of what was to come in my future and a car which I was told would have no problems yet it was having all these problems! We did get down OK with lots of stopping along the way. An ill-tempered Ethan drove into Yellow Stone National Park with all hopes that the beauty and relaxed wildlife would suspend the tension in the air from numerous vehicle issues- it was a wash. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking but at one point, Jarett's constant backseat driving caused me to snap and demanded him to get out and drive himself. The rest of that day was spoiled on behalf of myself and to this day I regret the attitude I had (at one point I sat and cried for over an hour. Stress is not a fun thing to deal with).
(Yellowstone National Park- BEAUTIFUL)
Washington couldn't come quickly enough as we slept in the car for an hour with the last leg of out journey to go. The sun came up on a beautiful canyon we stopped at, led by big sighs and an “off we go.” I drove into Seattle to take Jarett to his car and then followed him around the city and up to the crossings. It came upon the border crossing, a rather small one with just a two lane road and nothing more than a small gate occupied by even less of a staff. Driving up, Jarett was ahead of me; he got through with ease then came me. I drove up, was asked all the normal “where are you going, how long are you staying,” blah blah questions and was told to pull up to be inspected.
The patrol had me in a separate room away from the rest of the lobby while they interrogated me and eventually Jarett when they asked to see him. The woman who was questioning me asked a ton of personal questions from who I was as a person to why my parents were who they were. It was as if Canada was the Promised Land and I was the snake in the garden of Eden. She had me sit there for over an hour while they checked out my contacts, looked in my car, and I guess drew up a file on my life up to the very minute. After a long wait, my nervous answers, and several calls around to get answers, a very rude border bitch (that is what I now call any woman patrol officer because of all this havoc each and every one of them has caused me) I was refused entry and told to turn around. I had spent an amazing amount of time and money on this trip, to be turned around now was a kick in the gut.
A tearful call from Jarett had me uptight but still trudging as I scoped out a hotel in a place where I knew no one or nothing. Laura (the person who was my possible work contact) had called the immigration sector; they told her to send me to another crossing point, so the hotel I was at was useless. In a hurry to get there while daylight was still burning, I got the bad taste of reality that this could be a huge deal... it was.
Another crossing and another woman officer. She passed me then the screen flashed and she freaked saying “why would you lie about being here earlier today,” which I replied “I was not in Canada, I was turned around, but was instructed to come back to this crossing.” I was taken in and thankfully Laura was there on the other side to help me plea my case. After some discussion with the officers (more than one) I was allowed to pass with specific days to exit.
Solace came once settled for a few days in her parents home. Laura and Brent showed me around the homestead then the farm facility and I tried to get my bearings. They explained that they were looking for someone who could oversee the things at the riding facility and had the experience to work the horses as well. A more permanent role than say a stall cleaner, more liberties than a normal barn brat, and far more duties than a trainer; I was to be the manager.
Now, the deal was for me to come up as a visitor while my working papers were put in; I was under the impression that had been started right away. In just the first week I was kicked, turned around, attacked, bitten, mawed, and run-over by their stock. The barn was a temporary set-up that they were using permanently (canvas covered temp. stalls, no water hook-up inside, minimal turnout space and on a show facility that Laura's parents owned). The setup was horrid but we made due. The staff was mostly college students on summer break, once you got to know them they were ok but not nearly enough for the amount of work that was expected (once they left it went to hell in a hand basket).
Eventually they started to pay me, which was nice on my end but very much illegal as I found out later that they never started my paperwork. From July to October I worked my ass off and was lied to about my status. I had to move into a house with the two main barn help (good people), a client, and an older woman who owned the house. It was all crazy and not worth the money I was paying even though I was told I was only going to make up a third of it, I had to pay in full. 350 dollars for a 10x10 box with no bed and limited use due to the others living there (5 in one house). Living and working with the same people you start to see too much of them but also get to know them better- which makes this part hard...
September 10th 2006 was my last day to be in Canada. I quickly put in for an extension (supposed to be 30days previous to your end date, I had maybe a week) and hoped for the best. Turnaround time is slow for applications so I waited, and waited... and waited. The letter came finally when the Balisky's were in Europe looking at horses and a much anticipated Howloween was just a day away. I made it through the weekend then told Jarett about the letter I received... I was denied the renewal on my visitor visa. I sought legal help at my own cost: Laura and Brent seemed to back me on it with phone calls and information but the lawyer suggested to leave the country and come in under better circumstances. I left Canada on November 13, 2006 with much on my mind and a life I had hoped to stay with.
<~When Hearts Tug~>
Jarett was a great friend who had helped me get over some issues I was dwelling on. He had a boyfriend who was a kind soul and they seemed to be advancing in their relationship. I was going to Canada to travel while I had the means, was young and mobile- hoping to find a job and eventually settle down once that was all worked on. I was unaware of the end of his relationship when I traveled out- Jarett kept it to himself until we were on the road. As a friend I was there for him, hoping that the two happy men I once saw in pictures would once again find each other. I guess fate did not see it that way and an end they both met. New to the area, friendless, frustrated, unwanted by Canada, and mainly lost in a whirlwind of here and there, Jarett showed me around and introduced me to his friends. We got to know each other better and enjoyed the other's company. July melted into August. One day we brought up simple conversation about loyalty and dating... I do not know where it all went but we came to a mutual agreement that we were something more than friends. The other people there had already pointed it out, I guess I was just not observant or perhaps was just sure that forever I would be that lonely working man. It happened and I don't ask why or how, it was natural and though the timespan short, it felt right.
The two of us progressed being sure to ask/tell if we felt rushed or uneasy, those words never came. Eventually everyone tagged us as a couple and the story continues from there...
(Jarett and I take a Break and Catch a Hug in the Woods)
<~Dad... Mom... I Love Him~>
I had come out to my mom in college. After holding up inside all of middle and high school, mostly out of fear from taunts and threats, I was tired of being someone who wears a mask. College was not what I had planed but I did it for my parents and I am glad I did; it helped me become who I am today. Fighting a past was hard, freshman year brought pain and misunderstanding to why people are the way they are. Raped and hating myself for feeling dirty I shut down and built walls to keep the hurt away from the world. I never told my parents the whole story, they found out bits from someone I finally confided in because I was in dire ends and fearing myself. Later in my college career I came out to my mom- car packed and ready to go she just brushed it off as a phase. I left it at that but decided that this was for my own happiness and that if I was gay than it was time to give myself the freedoms of life. I opened up some and started to talk about things that helped me get over the dark times.
I have a lot of people to thank for the kind words and late nights on line. It was easier to chat when there is no face with the name. Jarett and his boyfriend became good friends who I owe a great deal of thanks to, no one really can understand the situation unless they went through it. There was one person I had to let know but it would be the hardest thing I had to do. My father is a minister who relies on his religion everyday. I am proud of him and his ways but I do not follow his teachings. I honor his for who he is and I want to be his pride but not at the cost of my own happiness.
The relationship Jarett and I built felt so right and we had talked about the possibility of marriage in the future. The plan was for me to gain permanent residency in Canada, we would get a place together, and wait a little longer so I could tell my parents and he could tell his. We wanted to have the financial backing and hoping for some support, though the joy of being together brought the support we needed it was our desire to at least let out families know our intentions. Before I left Jarett on November 13th, I placed a promise ring onto his finger- it was an inexpensive band of stainless steel bound with a twisted cable. It symbolized my love for him and was my promise to return when I was able. A sorrowful day followed but a constant contact we kept as I was fed lie upon lie from the Balisky's
I was assured that the Balisky's were working on the things the lawyer gave them so that my paperwork would be started. I waited and called, emailed, talked to the other workers at Thunderbird up and into January where I gave up on them. The Balisky's used me and then dumped me off like last weeks garbage. They never replied to my messages or answered calls, I even called the lawyer several times to see if they had talked to him, “no, and the packet of papers I sent them has never been returned to me.” Devastated and frustrated at this news I fell into a depressed state. Luckily Jarett was there to keep my head afloat. His friend was trying to get his mate into Canada as well and gave us the name of the lawyer they went to. We called her up and got several ideas to work from: I could find an employer to sponsor me but they would have to pay over $14hr and that would never fly in the equine world, not knowing the worker and all. Several others would have worked, but the best way was to go through the marriage process. Jarett and I had talked about it all before I left In November but had hoped to save that for when I lived there and we had some more time together. At this point it was looking grim; we decided since we had planed it already, marriage was the way we would go about it... now how to tell the parents?
Jarett's family was pretty open to the idea. They had seen us together, not really under the auspice as a couple as we tried to keep it to a minimum; I don't like to thrust people into new ideas, gaiety is something you have to get use to and accept or reject. Easing into it all would have been nicer to them but they had a better knowledge of the idea of 'us' than my parents did. Jarett's family had known for sometime before I even left, so the marriage word did not really surprise them too much. My parents and family were a different story.
I sat my dad down and finally did a talk with him about me and my sexual preference. He gave a smile and hug “You think I am dumb, but I have known since you were younger.” He surprised me with that comment because him being the minister I had figured he would be the one more against it all than my mother; how wrong I was with my ideas. That hurtle was over now to break to them the news about marriage. I ha milled it around and slipped in words from time to time about Jarett, hoping to get a reaction or spark the wheels in their minds- eventually I got them down and told them that the best way for us to be together was to get married. Shock- my mom was confused and unsure about me, my dad just said “I can not say that I support your ways, but I do love you and have seen how happy you are when talking about Jarett. You need to do what makes you happy, not what you think we want...” It had me blindsided as he was the one I thought would be the hardest to talk to. My mom had questions but did not say much other than “I don't understand why?” I tried to explain but she would have to see it, experience the love a man can share with another man, get use to the idea of her son being different and see the happiness I had with him, for her to understand the full ramifications of what I proposed. They both had reservations, but they gave the benefit of the doubt and tittered around questions and comments to get an understanding.
“I love him, I can not explain the feelings I share with Jarett nor can I show you them. I know that I have never been happier and that this all seems right and in stride- I just wanted to give you the respect and let you know who I am and try and help you understand why I am that person.”
<~I Do~>
Since I was no longer in Canada, my parents moved their vacation they had planned (they were going to come up and see me over my b-day but that was all set before I had to leave Canada) to April. Jarett's parents were excited to meet them as mine were to meet his family and him since all they saw of him was a night when he came to help me drive out). I wanted to respect my parents in their ways but also let them be included in the life that we had planned to start together. I asked to make sure and see if they wanted to attend our wedding: deep down inside I was afraid they would say no, I wanted them to be there. They agreed and we set the date to be wed.
Meanwhile Jarett's parents setup a family vacation; I was told I had to come as I was part of it (even though it was planned months before they knew we were even a couple). So... From November to March 9th I waited until I saw my fiance' but Maui was worth the wait. We had a great time, his sister and her fiance' were there with their little girl, Jarett's parents were great and the place was just amazing. The best part though, was having a whole week with my love after such a long time apart. It was a time to get to know his family and vice-versa. It was a blast, something I hope to do once again.
(Maui Splendors)
Well, my parents left- first time in a plane for my mom but the excitement was high. They had a wonderful week with Jarett's parents. They saw Vancouver and got to see some of the beauty it offers. I think they understand why I want to be back so badly, it really is a wonderful landscape and so much to do. Anyway, I flew up the following Friday and they got to see Jarett and I together for the first time. I think it was a big eye opener for them and is where the acceptance really came into play.
On April 15, 2007 the commissioner pronounced Jarett and I Husbands- his and my parents were the whiteness. The ceremony was short but endless at the same time. I stood there shaking and fumbling on my words as I tried not to lock my knees and pass out. In his parent's backyard we said our “I do's” an celebrated with some champagne and a wonderful dinner in Stanley Park. For a place that was in the main rainy season, the clouds parted and gave us a lovely afternoon. I kid you not that they called for showers all day yet we got nothing more than a little cloud cover and some sun rays. Simple yet elegant.
(Tears to an I Do)
(Parents, thank you for being there.)
<~Current State of Affairs~>
Ok, so the marriage certificate signed, lawyer paid, and paperwork started I sit here in waiting. I had to go through a lot of hoops (still doing tricks I might add) to get the things needed for the sponsorship by Jarett. I had to go get fingerprints which were sent to New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and The FBI for criminal checks, I had 4 trips to get photos taken for paperwork (the 4th was because the lawyers lost a whole set and needed them at the last minute), a physical that I got lost going to and when I walked in- all I could think was “this looks like a place to get an illegal abortion.” There were files and paperwork out the rear end to fill out; questions to the effects of why we did not have a honeymoon nor large ceremony, to all the information on my family, not to leave out all details about every minute spent at work and school, what my degree was in... every little detail you could ask of someone down to the exact dates I started school years, riding, organizations, met people, and did things. My life under a microscope, I am feeling very violated and afraid that they are going to find some detail to refuse me the passage to my new husband.
There are good days and there are days I want it all to end. I know these will come and go even after I move. Fighting with the knowledge of leaving all I have here (horse, dog, family, any residual friends, much of my things). I have consolidated my life into boxes, the rest divided out or thrown to garbage. There is a lot to think about, a lot on my mind and a whole life to do it in. I have my doubts and there are times where I look back and see what I have done and what I could do, wondering if this is the right thing to do; then I remember how I feel when Jarett's arms are about me, or just simply sitting in his presence be it dinner or a movie. He is my ideal happiness that I have been missing all my life. The loneliness I had told myself would always be there, he fills the void. Still with my moments (way more than he has), it is frustrating but that is life.
So you see that I am between the realms of hopeful and homeless- this is why I have held off on a post. Busy with work, a horse, family, a new husband and family to get to know, fighting my feelings and emotions, figuring things out, and much much more. I'm going to try and keep in touch with some college friends, discover new ones, strengthen family ties and get things organized for my pending move. We will see what comes of my things and holding sanity. I will attempt to keep better updates and hopes high!
P.S. Now I have two families asking how their son, brother, uncle - in law is doing! They really like him and I am so much happier that we both have accepting and supportive families behind us both so cheers!
This entry has been a long time coming; needed as much as it is late. Things have been brewing and life tends to take hold of your hand and drag you around for awhile, all the time not really knowing what is going on. A whirlwind of activity, perhaps in the eye of the storm or are the clouds dissipating and the sun breaking through... who's to say?
<~Where The Sage Takes Off~>
A lonely, lost, and confused young adult with a mountains worth of weight, fell in despair. It was being alone in a crowd, afraid of the world, and the rejection of being something he was unsure of. Events played out in a cruel manifestation of life and once the ball starts to roll... well it goes where it wills. With the advent of the college laptop it was easy to fall prey to its solitary draw; get away from the reality that haunted every step. Email, instant messaging, and long nights filled up time and life outside of the homework and school scene; what time classes and equestrian activities did not consume, his friends became the keyboard and monitor.
It was not the pity that was sought- help maybe, a way to shed some of the pains? In any case, it is found that people are still no better on line than off. False securities are rampant everywhere you go, trust is hard to come by nowadays but that is how things work. In the long run, it was a good thing- you can't look back and expect things to be perfect because you learn from the mistakes and imperfections that occur in the wanderings of life. Regret what has happened... never. Perhaps it all could have been done better but then the outcome would be altered.
Eventually a few people end up popping into a cycle of chat. Becoming open to new ideas and the terms of the person he was becoming, the young man befriended a certain selected few whom showed what a true friend could be. As things always do, times changed and a shell had cracked. Opened to new experiences, helped by the few who showed the care, he gradually weened from the on line world and started to build the person he was supposed to be.
That lonely and lost soul was me. There is no telling what could have happened or should have, just look at what did and be proud that though the road was rough at times it made for the better person I see myself as today. Though pride kills angels, I would say I have some in myself now; all those times of ill feelings, depressed thought, sorrow and so forth never got so bad that they couldn't be over come- to prove that I am here today. Improved with the sight of being there, knowing where I was and could be, I am happy on how things have gone and know that it is still not over. There are still times where the day just drains every lasting ounce of me but I plan to push though and endure the hardships as they come- darkest before the dawn as there is always a minute bit of good in the bad.
<~Canada and the Boomerang Effect~>
As many know, I had a job opportunity up in Langley for Brent and Laura Balisky. I was working at Centenary until further notice at which I gave in June with a heavy heart. Jarett flew into Baltimore, Maryland to help me drive out to Vancouver (because of taking things and needing a car while I was there). We met my parents, had a wonderful brunch and said our goodbyes as Pennsylvania grew smaller and smaller behind Jarett and I.
The little trip was going to take about 5 days. Jarett brought his trusty GPS and had some stops planed along the way; some friends and a few sight-seeing ventures. The two of us were set for a road-trip, transcontinental and up into Canada at the end; little did we know...
It started out smoothly, the Mazda all packed down and us supplied with waters for the trip we headed off out of my hometown of Palmyra. The first few days were great: there was a lot to see out the windows but mostly it was just idle chatter that kept us us going and the stack of cd's I burned (sorry Jarett, the euro-techno, aqua, toy-box, country; needless to say it was quite a mix). In Illinois we met up with some of Jarett's friends, Mirko, Sigfried, and Slush. I felt out of place, not knowing anyone and completely out of my element. They were all very nice; had lunch, hung out and had a few drinks. We spent the night and were out the next morning.
All had been going well. The driving was easy, just boring at times (Iowa and South Dakota are the flattest, most boring states EVER!). Until Mount Rushmore, it was smooth sailing and then it went downhill. The transmission on the car burned out and shot fluid out the back. We got it towed off and found a hotel in Rapid City, waiting to see what the damage was. On a busy week, he estimated a few days for repairs (yikes and cha-ching, cha-ching). Jarett rented a car and we ended up seeing some marvelous sights: Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse monument, a wildlife reserve and some caves, while dining at the best Chinese food place I have ever eaten at. After a few days, numerous calls all over, then a hefty bill, we were on our way again.
(Jarett trying to see what is wrong)
The trip continued on through awful on then off roads in South Dakota, Montana (nothing there at all), parts of Missouri, Wyoming (flatter than a crepe put under a 10,000lb press). Once upon the ascent of the Rocky Mountains I felt pretty good about my driving abilities. On the way down however, I burned up the brakes which in-turn fried my mind. Jarett's idea of help drove me up the wall; I was nervous already, edgy from being in a car for so long, not sure of what was to come in my future and a car which I was told would have no problems yet it was having all these problems! We did get down OK with lots of stopping along the way. An ill-tempered Ethan drove into Yellow Stone National Park with all hopes that the beauty and relaxed wildlife would suspend the tension in the air from numerous vehicle issues- it was a wash. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking but at one point, Jarett's constant backseat driving caused me to snap and demanded him to get out and drive himself. The rest of that day was spoiled on behalf of myself and to this day I regret the attitude I had (at one point I sat and cried for over an hour. Stress is not a fun thing to deal with).
(Yellowstone National Park- BEAUTIFUL)
Washington couldn't come quickly enough as we slept in the car for an hour with the last leg of out journey to go. The sun came up on a beautiful canyon we stopped at, led by big sighs and an “off we go.” I drove into Seattle to take Jarett to his car and then followed him around the city and up to the crossings. It came upon the border crossing, a rather small one with just a two lane road and nothing more than a small gate occupied by even less of a staff. Driving up, Jarett was ahead of me; he got through with ease then came me. I drove up, was asked all the normal “where are you going, how long are you staying,” blah blah questions and was told to pull up to be inspected.
The patrol had me in a separate room away from the rest of the lobby while they interrogated me and eventually Jarett when they asked to see him. The woman who was questioning me asked a ton of personal questions from who I was as a person to why my parents were who they were. It was as if Canada was the Promised Land and I was the snake in the garden of Eden. She had me sit there for over an hour while they checked out my contacts, looked in my car, and I guess drew up a file on my life up to the very minute. After a long wait, my nervous answers, and several calls around to get answers, a very rude border bitch (that is what I now call any woman patrol officer because of all this havoc each and every one of them has caused me) I was refused entry and told to turn around. I had spent an amazing amount of time and money on this trip, to be turned around now was a kick in the gut.
A tearful call from Jarett had me uptight but still trudging as I scoped out a hotel in a place where I knew no one or nothing. Laura (the person who was my possible work contact) had called the immigration sector; they told her to send me to another crossing point, so the hotel I was at was useless. In a hurry to get there while daylight was still burning, I got the bad taste of reality that this could be a huge deal... it was.
Another crossing and another woman officer. She passed me then the screen flashed and she freaked saying “why would you lie about being here earlier today,” which I replied “I was not in Canada, I was turned around, but was instructed to come back to this crossing.” I was taken in and thankfully Laura was there on the other side to help me plea my case. After some discussion with the officers (more than one) I was allowed to pass with specific days to exit.
Solace came once settled for a few days in her parents home. Laura and Brent showed me around the homestead then the farm facility and I tried to get my bearings. They explained that they were looking for someone who could oversee the things at the riding facility and had the experience to work the horses as well. A more permanent role than say a stall cleaner, more liberties than a normal barn brat, and far more duties than a trainer; I was to be the manager.
Now, the deal was for me to come up as a visitor while my working papers were put in; I was under the impression that had been started right away. In just the first week I was kicked, turned around, attacked, bitten, mawed, and run-over by their stock. The barn was a temporary set-up that they were using permanently (canvas covered temp. stalls, no water hook-up inside, minimal turnout space and on a show facility that Laura's parents owned). The setup was horrid but we made due. The staff was mostly college students on summer break, once you got to know them they were ok but not nearly enough for the amount of work that was expected (once they left it went to hell in a hand basket).
Eventually they started to pay me, which was nice on my end but very much illegal as I found out later that they never started my paperwork. From July to October I worked my ass off and was lied to about my status. I had to move into a house with the two main barn help (good people), a client, and an older woman who owned the house. It was all crazy and not worth the money I was paying even though I was told I was only going to make up a third of it, I had to pay in full. 350 dollars for a 10x10 box with no bed and limited use due to the others living there (5 in one house). Living and working with the same people you start to see too much of them but also get to know them better- which makes this part hard...
September 10th 2006 was my last day to be in Canada. I quickly put in for an extension (supposed to be 30days previous to your end date, I had maybe a week) and hoped for the best. Turnaround time is slow for applications so I waited, and waited... and waited. The letter came finally when the Balisky's were in Europe looking at horses and a much anticipated Howloween was just a day away. I made it through the weekend then told Jarett about the letter I received... I was denied the renewal on my visitor visa. I sought legal help at my own cost: Laura and Brent seemed to back me on it with phone calls and information but the lawyer suggested to leave the country and come in under better circumstances. I left Canada on November 13, 2006 with much on my mind and a life I had hoped to stay with.
<~When Hearts Tug~>
Jarett was a great friend who had helped me get over some issues I was dwelling on. He had a boyfriend who was a kind soul and they seemed to be advancing in their relationship. I was going to Canada to travel while I had the means, was young and mobile- hoping to find a job and eventually settle down once that was all worked on. I was unaware of the end of his relationship when I traveled out- Jarett kept it to himself until we were on the road. As a friend I was there for him, hoping that the two happy men I once saw in pictures would once again find each other. I guess fate did not see it that way and an end they both met. New to the area, friendless, frustrated, unwanted by Canada, and mainly lost in a whirlwind of here and there, Jarett showed me around and introduced me to his friends. We got to know each other better and enjoyed the other's company. July melted into August. One day we brought up simple conversation about loyalty and dating... I do not know where it all went but we came to a mutual agreement that we were something more than friends. The other people there had already pointed it out, I guess I was just not observant or perhaps was just sure that forever I would be that lonely working man. It happened and I don't ask why or how, it was natural and though the timespan short, it felt right.
The two of us progressed being sure to ask/tell if we felt rushed or uneasy, those words never came. Eventually everyone tagged us as a couple and the story continues from there...
(Jarett and I take a Break and Catch a Hug in the Woods)
<~Dad... Mom... I Love Him~>
I had come out to my mom in college. After holding up inside all of middle and high school, mostly out of fear from taunts and threats, I was tired of being someone who wears a mask. College was not what I had planed but I did it for my parents and I am glad I did; it helped me become who I am today. Fighting a past was hard, freshman year brought pain and misunderstanding to why people are the way they are. Raped and hating myself for feeling dirty I shut down and built walls to keep the hurt away from the world. I never told my parents the whole story, they found out bits from someone I finally confided in because I was in dire ends and fearing myself. Later in my college career I came out to my mom- car packed and ready to go she just brushed it off as a phase. I left it at that but decided that this was for my own happiness and that if I was gay than it was time to give myself the freedoms of life. I opened up some and started to talk about things that helped me get over the dark times.
I have a lot of people to thank for the kind words and late nights on line. It was easier to chat when there is no face with the name. Jarett and his boyfriend became good friends who I owe a great deal of thanks to, no one really can understand the situation unless they went through it. There was one person I had to let know but it would be the hardest thing I had to do. My father is a minister who relies on his religion everyday. I am proud of him and his ways but I do not follow his teachings. I honor his for who he is and I want to be his pride but not at the cost of my own happiness.
The relationship Jarett and I built felt so right and we had talked about the possibility of marriage in the future. The plan was for me to gain permanent residency in Canada, we would get a place together, and wait a little longer so I could tell my parents and he could tell his. We wanted to have the financial backing and hoping for some support, though the joy of being together brought the support we needed it was our desire to at least let out families know our intentions. Before I left Jarett on November 13th, I placed a promise ring onto his finger- it was an inexpensive band of stainless steel bound with a twisted cable. It symbolized my love for him and was my promise to return when I was able. A sorrowful day followed but a constant contact we kept as I was fed lie upon lie from the Balisky's
I was assured that the Balisky's were working on the things the lawyer gave them so that my paperwork would be started. I waited and called, emailed, talked to the other workers at Thunderbird up and into January where I gave up on them. The Balisky's used me and then dumped me off like last weeks garbage. They never replied to my messages or answered calls, I even called the lawyer several times to see if they had talked to him, “no, and the packet of papers I sent them has never been returned to me.” Devastated and frustrated at this news I fell into a depressed state. Luckily Jarett was there to keep my head afloat. His friend was trying to get his mate into Canada as well and gave us the name of the lawyer they went to. We called her up and got several ideas to work from: I could find an employer to sponsor me but they would have to pay over $14hr and that would never fly in the equine world, not knowing the worker and all. Several others would have worked, but the best way was to go through the marriage process. Jarett and I had talked about it all before I left In November but had hoped to save that for when I lived there and we had some more time together. At this point it was looking grim; we decided since we had planed it already, marriage was the way we would go about it... now how to tell the parents?
Jarett's family was pretty open to the idea. They had seen us together, not really under the auspice as a couple as we tried to keep it to a minimum; I don't like to thrust people into new ideas, gaiety is something you have to get use to and accept or reject. Easing into it all would have been nicer to them but they had a better knowledge of the idea of 'us' than my parents did. Jarett's family had known for sometime before I even left, so the marriage word did not really surprise them too much. My parents and family were a different story.
I sat my dad down and finally did a talk with him about me and my sexual preference. He gave a smile and hug “You think I am dumb, but I have known since you were younger.” He surprised me with that comment because him being the minister I had figured he would be the one more against it all than my mother; how wrong I was with my ideas. That hurtle was over now to break to them the news about marriage. I ha milled it around and slipped in words from time to time about Jarett, hoping to get a reaction or spark the wheels in their minds- eventually I got them down and told them that the best way for us to be together was to get married. Shock- my mom was confused and unsure about me, my dad just said “I can not say that I support your ways, but I do love you and have seen how happy you are when talking about Jarett. You need to do what makes you happy, not what you think we want...” It had me blindsided as he was the one I thought would be the hardest to talk to. My mom had questions but did not say much other than “I don't understand why?” I tried to explain but she would have to see it, experience the love a man can share with another man, get use to the idea of her son being different and see the happiness I had with him, for her to understand the full ramifications of what I proposed. They both had reservations, but they gave the benefit of the doubt and tittered around questions and comments to get an understanding.
“I love him, I can not explain the feelings I share with Jarett nor can I show you them. I know that I have never been happier and that this all seems right and in stride- I just wanted to give you the respect and let you know who I am and try and help you understand why I am that person.”
<~I Do~>
Since I was no longer in Canada, my parents moved their vacation they had planned (they were going to come up and see me over my b-day but that was all set before I had to leave Canada) to April. Jarett's parents were excited to meet them as mine were to meet his family and him since all they saw of him was a night when he came to help me drive out). I wanted to respect my parents in their ways but also let them be included in the life that we had planned to start together. I asked to make sure and see if they wanted to attend our wedding: deep down inside I was afraid they would say no, I wanted them to be there. They agreed and we set the date to be wed.
Meanwhile Jarett's parents setup a family vacation; I was told I had to come as I was part of it (even though it was planned months before they knew we were even a couple). So... From November to March 9th I waited until I saw my fiance' but Maui was worth the wait. We had a great time, his sister and her fiance' were there with their little girl, Jarett's parents were great and the place was just amazing. The best part though, was having a whole week with my love after such a long time apart. It was a time to get to know his family and vice-versa. It was a blast, something I hope to do once again.
(Maui Splendors)
Well, my parents left- first time in a plane for my mom but the excitement was high. They had a wonderful week with Jarett's parents. They saw Vancouver and got to see some of the beauty it offers. I think they understand why I want to be back so badly, it really is a wonderful landscape and so much to do. Anyway, I flew up the following Friday and they got to see Jarett and I together for the first time. I think it was a big eye opener for them and is where the acceptance really came into play.
On April 15, 2007 the commissioner pronounced Jarett and I Husbands- his and my parents were the whiteness. The ceremony was short but endless at the same time. I stood there shaking and fumbling on my words as I tried not to lock my knees and pass out. In his parent's backyard we said our “I do's” an celebrated with some champagne and a wonderful dinner in Stanley Park. For a place that was in the main rainy season, the clouds parted and gave us a lovely afternoon. I kid you not that they called for showers all day yet we got nothing more than a little cloud cover and some sun rays. Simple yet elegant.
(Tears to an I Do)
(Parents, thank you for being there.)
<~Current State of Affairs~>
Ok, so the marriage certificate signed, lawyer paid, and paperwork started I sit here in waiting. I had to go through a lot of hoops (still doing tricks I might add) to get the things needed for the sponsorship by Jarett. I had to go get fingerprints which were sent to New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and The FBI for criminal checks, I had 4 trips to get photos taken for paperwork (the 4th was because the lawyers lost a whole set and needed them at the last minute), a physical that I got lost going to and when I walked in- all I could think was “this looks like a place to get an illegal abortion.” There were files and paperwork out the rear end to fill out; questions to the effects of why we did not have a honeymoon nor large ceremony, to all the information on my family, not to leave out all details about every minute spent at work and school, what my degree was in... every little detail you could ask of someone down to the exact dates I started school years, riding, organizations, met people, and did things. My life under a microscope, I am feeling very violated and afraid that they are going to find some detail to refuse me the passage to my new husband.
There are good days and there are days I want it all to end. I know these will come and go even after I move. Fighting with the knowledge of leaving all I have here (horse, dog, family, any residual friends, much of my things). I have consolidated my life into boxes, the rest divided out or thrown to garbage. There is a lot to think about, a lot on my mind and a whole life to do it in. I have my doubts and there are times where I look back and see what I have done and what I could do, wondering if this is the right thing to do; then I remember how I feel when Jarett's arms are about me, or just simply sitting in his presence be it dinner or a movie. He is my ideal happiness that I have been missing all my life. The loneliness I had told myself would always be there, he fills the void. Still with my moments (way more than he has), it is frustrating but that is life.
So you see that I am between the realms of hopeful and homeless- this is why I have held off on a post. Busy with work, a horse, family, a new husband and family to get to know, fighting my feelings and emotions, figuring things out, and much much more. I'm going to try and keep in touch with some college friends, discover new ones, strengthen family ties and get things organized for my pending move. We will see what comes of my things and holding sanity. I will attempt to keep better updates and hopes high!
P.S. Now I have two families asking how their son, brother, uncle - in law is doing! They really like him and I am so much happier that we both have accepting and supportive families behind us both so cheers!