(no subject)
All I ever wanted was with me. Everything was fine. Everything was perfect to me. Is perfection just truly not meant to last? Is life just the long string of heartbreak and pain that it has been so far? There are times I wish I had faith in something to make this all easier, be it a god, a devil, a person, or myself. But I don't right now. I'm so unsure now of what the future holds. I don't honestly think I had it all figured out, but I thought there was at least a foundation. Now even that has been ripped out from under me. Now, even though things have reached the best resolution possible, I still feel destroyed inside. I have been the mature one, the loyal one, the one trying to fix things, for some fucked-up reason I've tried to make it so that nobody else got hurt. I'm way to unselfish is what that boils down to. However, I cannot change what I am. I never truly have changed what I am. Would it make life easier? Probably. But who said anything about life being easy? I have enough regrets in my life already. I'm trying so desperately to keep this from being the biggest one because I haven't given up hope yet. There are times when I feel like it is barely hanging by a thread, but it is still there. Now is one of those times. I've tried to be a good person, I've tried to live honorably and politely in this age of dishonor, backstabbing, and cheating. I wish I could live and act like others, but I guess I have too much of a conscience and I couldn't live the way most people are able to.
I barely feel like I'm alive right now. I'm trying not to wallow in self-pity, but these acts and this depression is making it harder and harder. In Lynn I'd found exactly what I was looking for. I still want to give it another shot, but it seems so hard to get her to see that right now, if I'm going to keep my sanity before a second chance I need to just speak. I know there are no easy answers in life, that I accept. I don't accept almost throwing away a year and two months of love over someone known for less then a semester. I know it's not completely thrown away yet. But these past two weeks have made me feel a despair I've never come close to before, not even two summers ago. I used to think I'd reached bottom with that, but now I know a worse situation. I still love Lynn so much, she still loves me. Why is that not enough? Anger, grief, depression, pain, it's like I can only cycle between those right now. I was the one who finally agreed to try the open relationship thing, but it's so hard when one member already has someone else they are attracted to and I'm not ready to try anything else. I wish the beginning of it had been handled much differently, I honestly think I might have handled it better. I did have a sense of it, but I denied it to myself. Would an earlier confrontation have helped anything? I don't know and I'll never find out. I don't know if things will work out to a second chance or if things are just fucked now. Honestly I don't know what I'm even feeling any more. All I know is that I still love Lynn and I still want to be with her. I'm one of the few people I know who would deal with a situation like this in this way. Why is love this way? Is there a point left? I don't know anymore. I only know what I want. Lynn knows it. I wish she felt it too. I hope and I actually pray that she does some day. Till then, I'm just at more and more of a loss every day.
I barely feel like I'm alive right now. I'm trying not to wallow in self-pity, but these acts and this depression is making it harder and harder. In Lynn I'd found exactly what I was looking for. I still want to give it another shot, but it seems so hard to get her to see that right now, if I'm going to keep my sanity before a second chance I need to just speak. I know there are no easy answers in life, that I accept. I don't accept almost throwing away a year and two months of love over someone known for less then a semester. I know it's not completely thrown away yet. But these past two weeks have made me feel a despair I've never come close to before, not even two summers ago. I used to think I'd reached bottom with that, but now I know a worse situation. I still love Lynn so much, she still loves me. Why is that not enough? Anger, grief, depression, pain, it's like I can only cycle between those right now. I was the one who finally agreed to try the open relationship thing, but it's so hard when one member already has someone else they are attracted to and I'm not ready to try anything else. I wish the beginning of it had been handled much differently, I honestly think I might have handled it better. I did have a sense of it, but I denied it to myself. Would an earlier confrontation have helped anything? I don't know and I'll never find out. I don't know if things will work out to a second chance or if things are just fucked now. Honestly I don't know what I'm even feeling any more. All I know is that I still love Lynn and I still want to be with her. I'm one of the few people I know who would deal with a situation like this in this way. Why is love this way? Is there a point left? I don't know anymore. I only know what I want. Lynn knows it. I wish she felt it too. I hope and I actually pray that she does some day. Till then, I'm just at more and more of a loss every day.