"Is it me or you that I'm afraid of?"

[rickipedia]

I'm angry tonight. No, let's be perfectly clear- I'm FUCKING PISSED! I'm pisssed, first of all, at the person who put those ugly bruises on my arms. And the bitch who always sticks up for and covers for him. I'm pissed at the girl who broke my heart two months ago, as well as the girl who broke my heart 15 years ago. I'm pissed at my brother, who thinks he's too good for the likes of me. I'm pissed at Congress, who could obviously care less if I live or die, judging by the fact they can't strike a deal so I can get my check next month. I'm pissed at all the people who are running their mouth about me, when they barely know me, or haven't talked to me since 2007 (like that stupid cow who pops out babies every two seconds, then abandons them to her mom- YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). I can't stand anyone who is mean without reason, who picks on people just because they can. Sometimes, I do things to people inadvertently, and I have a tendency to believe only what I want , when the truth is staring me in the face. Nine times out of ten, though,the only person I really hurt is myself. I don't do gratuitous cruelty. BUT I refuse to be a doormat anymore. It's getting me nowhere. I can go nowhere on my own, thank you. I don't need anyone to "put me in my place." I was raised to be a good girl, to never cause trouble and to kiss the ass of anyone who hated me. I was raised to be the girl who forced up her food, instead of telling people where to go when they called her fat. I was raised to be everyone's bitch, a permanent victim. I don't know how to start healing, how to learn I am human too. I have no idea how to be a healthy person. I told my mother last weekend how badly she fucked me up. She said, "You're 30. Deal with it." Like I was being petty! She created the monster, and Carrie nurtured it. Now, I'm out of control, and I don't even know what to do. I have trouble with restaurants b/c I hate eating in front of anyone. That's not normal! My eating disorder is returning in full force, and my mother just says to either lose weight, or ignore my triggers. It's not that easy.  My mother's obsessive dieting (going from not eating for a week or two, then binging) took a toll on me, too. I don't know what healthy eating looks like. By the time I was 10, I was starving myself too. Fuck it, let's be honest here. SHE was orchestrating the whole thing. Literally. I was allowed a medium frozen yogurt from TCBY for lunch. That's it. If I was good, I got sprinkles on it. At age 12, although I was active and maintaining a normal weight, I was only allowed 20 grams of fat per day. A growing human being needs at least 60. The sickest thing was, I blamed myself. If I was thin enough, she would let me eat, I reasoned. By the time I was 21, I was purposely vomiting six times a day.  I stopped because the doctor in the ER said I would be dead in a year if I kept it up. I still do it sporadically, but not as a habit. I can't tell my therapist this (or anything) b/c I'm tired of him thinking I'm subhuman if I cry. Everyone is so hung up on crying. Like if you cry, you're worthless.
The anger subsides to hopelessness. There's nothing I can do about anything. I am pretty worthless. I have to hold onto my hatred, I guess, because without it, I am an empty shell. And I do hate. I hate my parents, and I hate Carrie. What they've done to me isn't just abuse. It's murder. I may be walking around, but I feel dead. I think the murder of a spirit is worse than killing a body.
Maybe something has come of this whole mess, though. After writing this out, I see two things I can address. #1- tell my therapist to quit bugging out when I cry. I have every right to, and if tears bother him so badly, get a new job. #2- Stay away from my poisonous parents. They will never change, and they are still doing damage.
OMG, it's almost six am. I should at least attempt to do something productive. Or maybe just get dressed......