(no subject)
Lately everything just seems to be piling up and I don't know how to dig myself out of this friggin hole im in. I feel like nothing I can do will make anything better. The one person I care about more than anything in the whole world I told to stay away from me...through an email which I don't even know if he's gotten. I mean he hasn't stopped by out of the blue lately or anything, but that's not unlike him--to come in and out of my life as he pleases. I mean, I know if he got my email and he respects what I said in it and does leave me alone it'll be for the better...I mean I have Ryan now and he's so sweet and great and...ugh I don't know. I know that if he comes back everything will get all messed up again...and I don't want my relationship with Ryan to get fucked up because I have a weak spot for *him*. Ahhhh...I don't know. And that's not even the reason why I've been so down...or maybe its part of it. I don't even really know anymore...my grades are horrible in school cause I haven't been going and I haven't been doing my makeup work which I really should be doing because if I don't I'm not going to graduate next year and I'll have to wait till '06 to graduate and I don't wanna do that. I just don't know how to turn everything around in such a short amount of time. It's like all the ambition I had to do well in the beginning of the semester has totally left me. Now its just a battle to get up in the morning and actually go to school, let alone do the work. I have no reason to feel like this...I have a great boyfriend, great friends, my mom has been wonderful even if things haven't been the greatest with me and my dad. I mean dammit, can I help it if I'm afraid of him? Can I help it if every time he gets angry I'm scared he's going to hit me or strangle me again? And my feelings for my dad are coming in between my parents...I mean...he and I start fighting and then he and my mom start fighting and then I'm afraid he'll do something to her and then he brings up brian I mean...I just feel like theres nothing I can do to make the situation at home better. Except leave...and I have no where to go...I don't have a job and I have no money. Besides...he would never let me leave...he made that perfectly clear. So what am I supposed to do?
And then there are all these feelings in me...so much sadness and anger and hate. I hate whats happeneing to me. Half the time I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed and the other half of the time I'm so mad I go off on anyone that slightly annoys me. And then there's the time I spend with my friends when I just keep this mask on so they don't know how depressed I am. I feel like all I've done for the past two weeks is cry...and I hate crying...I feel like I'm all cried out and yet the tears just keep coming. And who can I talk to? I mean if I told my counselor how I feel most of the time and what I think about most of the time she'd ship me right back to Rogers and that is one place I never wanna go to again...and my parents just keep blaming it on the medication that my doctor put me on for my migraines and I mean yeah I think it was part of it...but Ive been off it for almost a week and I still feel just as shitty. I gotta go...
love,
rachael
And then there are all these feelings in me...so much sadness and anger and hate. I hate whats happeneing to me. Half the time I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed and the other half of the time I'm so mad I go off on anyone that slightly annoys me. And then there's the time I spend with my friends when I just keep this mask on so they don't know how depressed I am. I feel like all I've done for the past two weeks is cry...and I hate crying...I feel like I'm all cried out and yet the tears just keep coming. And who can I talk to? I mean if I told my counselor how I feel most of the time and what I think about most of the time she'd ship me right back to Rogers and that is one place I never wanna go to again...and my parents just keep blaming it on the medication that my doctor put me on for my migraines and I mean yeah I think it was part of it...but Ive been off it for almost a week and I still feel just as shitty. I gotta go...
love,
rachael