Deep Thought...
Right now.
Right now, as I sit in this chair writing these words there is a reason for it. It's a shame I don't know the reason, but be rest assured there is. I feel like this place is getting old. I often refer to this as 'my world'.
'My world' is not a place; it's a frame of mind. It's what I feel and what has effected me. I often feel as though there is an endless limit to what I can endure. I told myself that if I don't feel pain I would be okay. I told myself this many times, I even started to believe it... to a certain extent.
Two days ago I blacked out on the bus, I was in a different world, maybe 'my world' but I really don't know. I don't like the thought of not having control over myself, maybe I just don't like the general idea of anything, and maybe I'm just too insecure for my own good sometimes.
When I blacked out on the bus I kept telling myself what the doctor had said, all those false expectation I had put in him to remain unfulfilled yet again. 'It is a one off thing, it won't happen again and even if it does I have prescribed you some medication to stop it from happening'
I keep telling myself there is a reason for everything, maybe even a reason for why each of us are here today, I guess it’s kind of ironic how we believe in various religions and how religion tears us apart from various cultures.
Sometimes, I wish I could do something. Maybe give this world something back, after all it gives me so much and I don’t really appreciate it until I’m in need. I know at time I am selfish, I care about my existence too much when it really is quite irrelevant to this world.
Worst-case scenario, a close friend commits suicide cause he was being bullied. It would have no effect on anyone except it mite come up in gossip of middle aged people referring to soaps and other meaningless things which play more of a role in their lives than the oxygen they breathe.
I sometimes feel that there is more that I could do, and I know there is. I’d instinctively blame my lack of confidence when really I should blame myself for having that lack of confidence.
I often like to reflect, sometimes even remember times from when I was a child; I miss those days so much. The days I live right now aren’t dark days, not by a long shot. They are stressful but stress isn’t dark, it’s just an obstacle that has been thrown at me.
Today I went up in my loft, I haven’t been up for many months, it has probably been about 4 months. It’s ironic cause it’s right above where I sleep at night, I stare at my ceiling always, just trying to imagine what is past the sky and gaze at it just hoping to see some sort of sign…
I prey to myself without really realising it, I take too much for granted. I’ve got everything I need; the air I breathe in is healthy, clean and there forever. I have parents that live together and that make me happy. I have a sister that I don’t appreciate as much as I should, but if she wasn’t here I’d probably just wonder what it would be like to have a sister.
I like to think there is something after life, sometimes I like to think God himself is blessing me. But it hurts me deeply when I feel that he is more of an enemy to this world, determining the fate of every person here, even myself.
I read and hear about disasters every year, in the media still is how troops are still in Iraq, and I ask why. There has to be a reason that is just kept from me, just like everything us. There is always so much more than what first meets the human eye, always.
I was watching TV some months ago and it was talking about the mental trauma on the soldiers in Iraq who are trying to help.
There was a man, I don’t recall his name. He was a soldier in Iraq trying to help over there, he was sent back after he was found mentally ill. There was quite an ironic name for it which was to show it was gained from the war, a bit like ‘trench foot’ but for mental health.
He has a wife and kids, as soon as he got home he couldn’t touch them, he blamed himself for everything that had gone out there. He had seen friends die and things that you or I can’t even begin to accept.
I guess being mentally ill is a lot like death, everyone will go through it. I think I mite have, to a certain extent. Me thinking like how I think and making myself ill for some months with no control over what my body did…
I would black out everyday and would be paranoid a lot, every word that entered my ear would sound like someone was after me, like I had deserted a world and God had sent everyone after me, but it was far from it.
Scared.
Ask yourself, what are you scared of? And I’m sure the usual answers will come up, ‘spiders’, ‘the dark’, ‘cats’ and so on. I believe all these fears link to each other even if you don’t want to begin to accept that.
Me, as a person am scared of having no choice in something. Think about the dark, people don’t like the dark cause they don’t see a light cause they feel they don’t have a choice in having light.
I dread to think about how many people are scared of things that most people couldn’t even begin to accept. Sometimes I feel as though I just don’t talk sense but I know I can understand it, and even if everything around me was just a mere pigment of my imagination know that there is a reason for it.
Maybe we’re all just part of someone imagination, none of us are real, maybe this is just one big dream and really, when we can’t sleep it’s cause we don’t want to. I hate losing sleep because my so called ever changing sleep pattern gets completely messed, then for days at a time I will be drowsy like I’m heavily sedated on drugs.
I like to think there is no such thing as death, just that when I ‘die’ I will wake up in another place where everything is different and I can spend some years trying to forget and make memories.
One thing I know is I could have been alive before this life, and I know it could merely be possible. Because we can’t remember what it was like before we were born. Maybe we wait years without being conscious or aware we are waiting. Just like a leaf, we’re just there. Not breathing then something happens and we’re in a new place at a new time and it feels like yesterday. I like to think that this life is just a coma and one day I will wake up and everything will be real.
After.
As a race we constantly push forwards for an answer to what is after we are gone. I can’t begin to imagine what would happen if there was proof that there is something after this life, the first thing that comes to mind is the news coverage that would be based around it.
In this day and age we’re constantly taunted and challenged by the ever-changing opinion of the so-called ‘media’. I like to blame the media for a lot, it’s like blaming a computer. It’s not a real thing, it’s not alive. As is the media.
The media is real though, made up of people who are paid to tell people what they want to hear, mainly made up of opinion which will make a nation wrestles and anxious.
A fine piece of proof of that is the war we are still fighting in Iraq, so far there have been thousands of Iraqi people killed and just a mere few hundred of British and American soldiers killed
What is amazing is the media shows clips of Iraqi bodies, which create great impact on the average person watching the television. But I find it quite ironic that the soldiers from England and America have huge hour reports on how their family are devastated.
Just because they speak a different language doesn’t mean that they don’t feel the same feelings that we do. It sickens me to think that this country is as controversial as it currently is.
Rules.
As I am writing now don’t try to believe there is any structure to what I am writing, I’m just trying to make sense in a huge world that is seen as such a small mess when really it is quite the opposite.
In this world we’re given many rules to avoid total chaos, I think I would like to experience chaos. It would be a great eye opener, interpretations of chaos don’t do much for me cause it’s just what they think when they don’t know.
We’re faced with many rules that when broken point you down various paths, I have broken rules before. If I hadn’t broken rules I doubt I would be where I am today.
There are always knock on effects to everything we do, but right now I am focussing on the effect and impact on rules that we break.
Everything is there for a reason, as are rules and even the reason why we break rules. Maybe rules are just simple guidelines set by our parents to protect our safety…
Maybe we are told not to go out because we have misbehaved but we run out of the house and go to someone else’s, as I am sure you can tell I am talking about something, which I did.
I know it was wrong; I like to joke about it. Everything can be joked about afterwards but imagine that while I was out, the house burnt down or a firework went through the window and I wasn’t there.
All I know is there was a reason for what I did; there is always a reason. Always is and there always will be. The sooner that I can start to accept that then the sooner I can carry on my life just like everyone does.
Love.
To you, what is love? Is love just a word which is over used and exaggerated that very few people do actually understand. Is love just a word that is used for a relationship between people who are almost destined to be with each other.
Is love just the opposite to hate?, if so I don’t hate my school but I don’t love it. I believe there is a feeling for in between hate and love, I suppose it can only be called ‘in the middle’ or neutral.
Being in love is what first springs to the average mind when questioned what love is. I don’t know if I do actually believe in love, I used to thrive for it but these days I just thrive for an answer. I suppose in once sense I am quite a lonely person, it hurts me to say that. But I know I am not lonely, just misunderstood.
I don’t believe I am a strong person, but I believe with the right support and the right person I too could be a strong person. I guess that’s as far fetched as there being world peace.
Hate.
Hate is often looked at as the opposite of love, I suppose in one sense that is a correct assumption but I believe as ‘love’ hate is over used and very much under stated by us as a race.
We interpret hate as a bad word, which is actually used in the same context as ‘don’t like’ but hate is used so often that ‘don’t like’ has more impact on a person than hate.
I guess as with anything it depends the tone of the person and who they are, an example that comes to mind is if George Bush said “I hate war.”, it would have a much more dramatic impact that ‘I don’t like war’, as with any word I guess it just has to be used in the correct context at the correct time.
Can you remember?
I like to think I can remember, but the truth is I can but I’m too caught up in my own thoughts to try to remember. It hurts sometimes to see how I change in the obvious and not so obvious ways.
I like to remember happy times, the truth is they weren’t happy times. Just times where sadness was not present. Times where I had no understand of this ever changing world, I like to think that one day I will understand this world but I know if I did and I tried to explain it I couldn’t word it.
Understanding something that I have only seen a small fraction of. It’s like trying to recite the bible before you have even opened it. It’s near impossible. I like to think that my dreams will stay with me forever but the truth is my dreams will change.
I am like anyone else in this planet, any living thing. I will always change, it’s what I do, I guess that is why I have relevance to this world or maybe the fact I have no relevance or importance to the world is a reason by itself.
God, I hope you show me the light one day.
Please
Right now, as I sit in this chair writing these words there is a reason for it. It's a shame I don't know the reason, but be rest assured there is. I feel like this place is getting old. I often refer to this as 'my world'.
'My world' is not a place; it's a frame of mind. It's what I feel and what has effected me. I often feel as though there is an endless limit to what I can endure. I told myself that if I don't feel pain I would be okay. I told myself this many times, I even started to believe it... to a certain extent.
Two days ago I blacked out on the bus, I was in a different world, maybe 'my world' but I really don't know. I don't like the thought of not having control over myself, maybe I just don't like the general idea of anything, and maybe I'm just too insecure for my own good sometimes.
When I blacked out on the bus I kept telling myself what the doctor had said, all those false expectation I had put in him to remain unfulfilled yet again. 'It is a one off thing, it won't happen again and even if it does I have prescribed you some medication to stop it from happening'
I keep telling myself there is a reason for everything, maybe even a reason for why each of us are here today, I guess it’s kind of ironic how we believe in various religions and how religion tears us apart from various cultures.
Sometimes, I wish I could do something. Maybe give this world something back, after all it gives me so much and I don’t really appreciate it until I’m in need. I know at time I am selfish, I care about my existence too much when it really is quite irrelevant to this world.
Worst-case scenario, a close friend commits suicide cause he was being bullied. It would have no effect on anyone except it mite come up in gossip of middle aged people referring to soaps and other meaningless things which play more of a role in their lives than the oxygen they breathe.
I sometimes feel that there is more that I could do, and I know there is. I’d instinctively blame my lack of confidence when really I should blame myself for having that lack of confidence.
I often like to reflect, sometimes even remember times from when I was a child; I miss those days so much. The days I live right now aren’t dark days, not by a long shot. They are stressful but stress isn’t dark, it’s just an obstacle that has been thrown at me.
Today I went up in my loft, I haven’t been up for many months, it has probably been about 4 months. It’s ironic cause it’s right above where I sleep at night, I stare at my ceiling always, just trying to imagine what is past the sky and gaze at it just hoping to see some sort of sign…
I prey to myself without really realising it, I take too much for granted. I’ve got everything I need; the air I breathe in is healthy, clean and there forever. I have parents that live together and that make me happy. I have a sister that I don’t appreciate as much as I should, but if she wasn’t here I’d probably just wonder what it would be like to have a sister.
I like to think there is something after life, sometimes I like to think God himself is blessing me. But it hurts me deeply when I feel that he is more of an enemy to this world, determining the fate of every person here, even myself.
I read and hear about disasters every year, in the media still is how troops are still in Iraq, and I ask why. There has to be a reason that is just kept from me, just like everything us. There is always so much more than what first meets the human eye, always.
I was watching TV some months ago and it was talking about the mental trauma on the soldiers in Iraq who are trying to help.
There was a man, I don’t recall his name. He was a soldier in Iraq trying to help over there, he was sent back after he was found mentally ill. There was quite an ironic name for it which was to show it was gained from the war, a bit like ‘trench foot’ but for mental health.
He has a wife and kids, as soon as he got home he couldn’t touch them, he blamed himself for everything that had gone out there. He had seen friends die and things that you or I can’t even begin to accept.
I guess being mentally ill is a lot like death, everyone will go through it. I think I mite have, to a certain extent. Me thinking like how I think and making myself ill for some months with no control over what my body did…
I would black out everyday and would be paranoid a lot, every word that entered my ear would sound like someone was after me, like I had deserted a world and God had sent everyone after me, but it was far from it.
Scared.
Ask yourself, what are you scared of? And I’m sure the usual answers will come up, ‘spiders’, ‘the dark’, ‘cats’ and so on. I believe all these fears link to each other even if you don’t want to begin to accept that.
Me, as a person am scared of having no choice in something. Think about the dark, people don’t like the dark cause they don’t see a light cause they feel they don’t have a choice in having light.
I dread to think about how many people are scared of things that most people couldn’t even begin to accept. Sometimes I feel as though I just don’t talk sense but I know I can understand it, and even if everything around me was just a mere pigment of my imagination know that there is a reason for it.
Maybe we’re all just part of someone imagination, none of us are real, maybe this is just one big dream and really, when we can’t sleep it’s cause we don’t want to. I hate losing sleep because my so called ever changing sleep pattern gets completely messed, then for days at a time I will be drowsy like I’m heavily sedated on drugs.
I like to think there is no such thing as death, just that when I ‘die’ I will wake up in another place where everything is different and I can spend some years trying to forget and make memories.
One thing I know is I could have been alive before this life, and I know it could merely be possible. Because we can’t remember what it was like before we were born. Maybe we wait years without being conscious or aware we are waiting. Just like a leaf, we’re just there. Not breathing then something happens and we’re in a new place at a new time and it feels like yesterday. I like to think that this life is just a coma and one day I will wake up and everything will be real.
After.
As a race we constantly push forwards for an answer to what is after we are gone. I can’t begin to imagine what would happen if there was proof that there is something after this life, the first thing that comes to mind is the news coverage that would be based around it.
In this day and age we’re constantly taunted and challenged by the ever-changing opinion of the so-called ‘media’. I like to blame the media for a lot, it’s like blaming a computer. It’s not a real thing, it’s not alive. As is the media.
The media is real though, made up of people who are paid to tell people what they want to hear, mainly made up of opinion which will make a nation wrestles and anxious.
A fine piece of proof of that is the war we are still fighting in Iraq, so far there have been thousands of Iraqi people killed and just a mere few hundred of British and American soldiers killed
What is amazing is the media shows clips of Iraqi bodies, which create great impact on the average person watching the television. But I find it quite ironic that the soldiers from England and America have huge hour reports on how their family are devastated.
Just because they speak a different language doesn’t mean that they don’t feel the same feelings that we do. It sickens me to think that this country is as controversial as it currently is.
Rules.
As I am writing now don’t try to believe there is any structure to what I am writing, I’m just trying to make sense in a huge world that is seen as such a small mess when really it is quite the opposite.
In this world we’re given many rules to avoid total chaos, I think I would like to experience chaos. It would be a great eye opener, interpretations of chaos don’t do much for me cause it’s just what they think when they don’t know.
We’re faced with many rules that when broken point you down various paths, I have broken rules before. If I hadn’t broken rules I doubt I would be where I am today.
There are always knock on effects to everything we do, but right now I am focussing on the effect and impact on rules that we break.
Everything is there for a reason, as are rules and even the reason why we break rules. Maybe rules are just simple guidelines set by our parents to protect our safety…
Maybe we are told not to go out because we have misbehaved but we run out of the house and go to someone else’s, as I am sure you can tell I am talking about something, which I did.
I know it was wrong; I like to joke about it. Everything can be joked about afterwards but imagine that while I was out, the house burnt down or a firework went through the window and I wasn’t there.
All I know is there was a reason for what I did; there is always a reason. Always is and there always will be. The sooner that I can start to accept that then the sooner I can carry on my life just like everyone does.
Love.
To you, what is love? Is love just a word which is over used and exaggerated that very few people do actually understand. Is love just a word that is used for a relationship between people who are almost destined to be with each other.
Is love just the opposite to hate?, if so I don’t hate my school but I don’t love it. I believe there is a feeling for in between hate and love, I suppose it can only be called ‘in the middle’ or neutral.
Being in love is what first springs to the average mind when questioned what love is. I don’t know if I do actually believe in love, I used to thrive for it but these days I just thrive for an answer. I suppose in once sense I am quite a lonely person, it hurts me to say that. But I know I am not lonely, just misunderstood.
I don’t believe I am a strong person, but I believe with the right support and the right person I too could be a strong person. I guess that’s as far fetched as there being world peace.
Hate.
Hate is often looked at as the opposite of love, I suppose in one sense that is a correct assumption but I believe as ‘love’ hate is over used and very much under stated by us as a race.
We interpret hate as a bad word, which is actually used in the same context as ‘don’t like’ but hate is used so often that ‘don’t like’ has more impact on a person than hate.
I guess as with anything it depends the tone of the person and who they are, an example that comes to mind is if George Bush said “I hate war.”, it would have a much more dramatic impact that ‘I don’t like war’, as with any word I guess it just has to be used in the correct context at the correct time.
Can you remember?
I like to think I can remember, but the truth is I can but I’m too caught up in my own thoughts to try to remember. It hurts sometimes to see how I change in the obvious and not so obvious ways.
I like to remember happy times, the truth is they weren’t happy times. Just times where sadness was not present. Times where I had no understand of this ever changing world, I like to think that one day I will understand this world but I know if I did and I tried to explain it I couldn’t word it.
Understanding something that I have only seen a small fraction of. It’s like trying to recite the bible before you have even opened it. It’s near impossible. I like to think that my dreams will stay with me forever but the truth is my dreams will change.
I am like anyone else in this planet, any living thing. I will always change, it’s what I do, I guess that is why I have relevance to this world or maybe the fact I have no relevance or importance to the world is a reason by itself.
God, I hope you show me the light one day.
Please