The Sky Is Falling....
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking-- a dangerous and rare past time , especially for me. I'm not entirely sure why I all of the sudden have all of these thoughts just floating around in my head; but they're there, and I think if I don't let them out I just might self-implode. Maybe it's because I am just now seeing what the people closest to me are really going through. Maybe it's because I've suddenly realized that I can't do it all by myself-- something I have been weary to admit because vulnerability isn't one of my favorite emotions. I don't like to put all of me out there for everyone to see and scrutinize and belittle and dislike...and judge. But as of late, I've come to the realization that I haven't really been putting any of myself out there for most people to see...even the aforementioned ones that I feel the closest to. I've been reading other peoples journals and I've noticed that I don't know them as well as I thought I did, and whether the fault lies in me or them is besides the point. After noticing this within other people's writings, I noticed that people really don't know me either-- and the only person to be blamed for that is me; something I'm more than willing to own up to...but then I start to ask myself Why? Why do I keep people at arms length? Is it because they've done the same to me? Possibly, but if this is the case is every relationship I've had in my life just been fake? Have I only been going through the motions? Playing a part that was assigned to me but that I didn't audition for...one that I didn't want? Have I just been doing it as a defense mechanizism so I don't get hurt? Or perhaps because maybe I'm scared of what will happen if indeed I do open up? ...Because I am scared. I feel like a 5 year-old trapped in a room full on unframiliar faces, when the only two people I really want are 3 hours away. Fear is a hard emotion to work through, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get through it entirely. If I'll ever be able to truly open up to someone the way the might want me to. All I can do is try... but this is all starting to wear me down to a mere shadow of who I once was. And soon I'm afraid the sun will go behind the clouds and all that's left of the shadow that has become me will disappear along with it.
I've often wondered why I am where I am and why I am the person I've become. The nice answer would be that I'm in a semi-decent college because of all the hard work I put in through the years...but that's just a bunch of lies. A pre-packaged, ready to order response that doesn't answer any question. Then, there's the ever popular God road...and well, I think we know where I would go with that one. 'Nuff said on that subject.... And finally there's the answer that I think is the most complete and true one of all. I am who I am because of the people I've surrounded myself with; and I am where I am because of the support and encouragement I may or may not have received from these people. There are certain pieces to me that I can't take credit for, because I'm not responsible for how they turned out. It would be a cop-out to say that I haven't helped make myself ME at all, because surprisingly enough, I have done a lot to keep specific things about me in tact throughout the years. Having said that, though, these pieces of me that other people have helped me form are equally if not more important than those I've formed myself. From all of my friends I have gained so much strength and and awareness. Certain guys have helped me to realize that I am worth more than I am sometimes treated. My family has molded me perhaps the most, instilling values and morals in me, but at the same time letting be make my own mistakes and then when I made them and crashed into pieces on the floor, they were there with broom, dust pan, and super glue in hand. Ready to fix me. Ready to help me. Right now I'm lying on the floor in a thousand pieces because of all the mistakes I feel I've made...and I just need someone to come and sweep me up and glue me back together-- and until then, I'm not entirely sure what to do here. I guess I'll just have to find someone else with a broom and some glue.
Mk, so on those soul-bearing little notes, Ima wrap this up in true Sarah fashion with some shout outs, some quotes, and the little bit of love I can spare. I also apologize for the amount of "corn-chippy-ness" in this entry.
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me.
**SHOUT OUTS**
Molly- When did it stop being fun and start being scary?? First Ima say this so maybe you'll know what you mean to me in case I can't say it just rite:
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there's no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
Oh, the storms raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
I'll go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
OKAY... so while that may be a love song... don't take it as one. I just thought it showed that some1 would do ANYTHING for someone they loved to let them know that... and I wanted you to know. I love you more now that you've decided to show me more and more of you than I did before. You're one of the few people that I can rest assure likes me for who I am-- nerdiness and all. You have seen the most sides of me, and I trust you with my life. I'm entirely too lucky to have a friend as good as you, but I'm sure as hell glad you let me into your life. Even if it was because of Leo... *sigh* Also, I think from now on Jake should be looked upon as a memory- fond or mistake is your call, but if the bastard doesn't leave you alone, you're gonna self-destruct. And he's not worth that. And he sure as hell isn't worthy of you.
You keep talking about how you're falling, and I thought you should know that I'm falling too. But if I fall all the way down, I'll survive because I have a good safety net. ...And so do you.
Baby Bird- I love you! I'm glad we get to shack next year EVERY NITE. Watch out, there's no telling what I mite do. ;) He wants you..that's why hes in the comp lab sleeping. DAMN you for making me miss the rain.
Shanna- My one, my only bosom buddy. Inebriated forever, sober never. I get to shack with you too!!! YAYNESS.
Stephie- I <3 you. You COULD do 'em better. :) Thanks for being my dinner date. YAY for key findage. Wanna go to the Box to celebrate? Woot woot for shopping. Too much excitement at HC for one nite!
~*QUOTES*~
"If you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend."
-Sex and the City
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.. so won't you kill me.. so I die happy... My heart is yours to fill or burst.. to break or bury.. or wear as jewelery.... Whichever you prefer."
- Dashboard Confessional
"The simple truth is I'm falling down and I don't wanna drag you to the bottom." (<-- slightly tweaked.)
"Lose your friends, lose yourself."
-Boy Meets World
"If I am such a legend, why am I so lonely?"
-Judy Garland
I don’t understand
This should be so easy
To just reach out my hand
And know the world is real
But nothing’s as it seems
Though I can tell you freely
Touching’s not the only way to feel
-"When The Rain Falls", The Zetta Bytes
I've often wondered why I am where I am and why I am the person I've become. The nice answer would be that I'm in a semi-decent college because of all the hard work I put in through the years...but that's just a bunch of lies. A pre-packaged, ready to order response that doesn't answer any question. Then, there's the ever popular God road...and well, I think we know where I would go with that one. 'Nuff said on that subject.... And finally there's the answer that I think is the most complete and true one of all. I am who I am because of the people I've surrounded myself with; and I am where I am because of the support and encouragement I may or may not have received from these people. There are certain pieces to me that I can't take credit for, because I'm not responsible for how they turned out. It would be a cop-out to say that I haven't helped make myself ME at all, because surprisingly enough, I have done a lot to keep specific things about me in tact throughout the years. Having said that, though, these pieces of me that other people have helped me form are equally if not more important than those I've formed myself. From all of my friends I have gained so much strength and and awareness. Certain guys have helped me to realize that I am worth more than I am sometimes treated. My family has molded me perhaps the most, instilling values and morals in me, but at the same time letting be make my own mistakes and then when I made them and crashed into pieces on the floor, they were there with broom, dust pan, and super glue in hand. Ready to fix me. Ready to help me. Right now I'm lying on the floor in a thousand pieces because of all the mistakes I feel I've made...and I just need someone to come and sweep me up and glue me back together-- and until then, I'm not entirely sure what to do here. I guess I'll just have to find someone else with a broom and some glue.
Mk, so on those soul-bearing little notes, Ima wrap this up in true Sarah fashion with some shout outs, some quotes, and the little bit of love I can spare. I also apologize for the amount of "corn-chippy-ness" in this entry.
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me.
**SHOUT OUTS**
Molly- When did it stop being fun and start being scary?? First Ima say this so maybe you'll know what you mean to me in case I can't say it just rite:
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there's no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
Oh, the storms raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
I'll go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
OKAY... so while that may be a love song... don't take it as one. I just thought it showed that some1 would do ANYTHING for someone they loved to let them know that... and I wanted you to know. I love you more now that you've decided to show me more and more of you than I did before. You're one of the few people that I can rest assure likes me for who I am-- nerdiness and all. You have seen the most sides of me, and I trust you with my life. I'm entirely too lucky to have a friend as good as you, but I'm sure as hell glad you let me into your life. Even if it was because of Leo... *sigh* Also, I think from now on Jake should be looked upon as a memory- fond or mistake is your call, but if the bastard doesn't leave you alone, you're gonna self-destruct. And he's not worth that. And he sure as hell isn't worthy of you.
You keep talking about how you're falling, and I thought you should know that I'm falling too. But if I fall all the way down, I'll survive because I have a good safety net. ...And so do you.
Baby Bird- I love you! I'm glad we get to shack next year EVERY NITE. Watch out, there's no telling what I mite do. ;) He wants you..that's why hes in the comp lab sleeping. DAMN you for making me miss the rain.
Shanna- My one, my only bosom buddy. Inebriated forever, sober never. I get to shack with you too!!! YAYNESS.
Stephie- I <3 you. You COULD do 'em better. :) Thanks for being my dinner date. YAY for key findage. Wanna go to the Box to celebrate? Woot woot for shopping. Too much excitement at HC for one nite!
~*QUOTES*~
"If you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend."
-Sex and the City
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.. so won't you kill me.. so I die happy... My heart is yours to fill or burst.. to break or bury.. or wear as jewelery.... Whichever you prefer."
- Dashboard Confessional
"The simple truth is I'm falling down and I don't wanna drag you to the bottom." (<-- slightly tweaked.)
"Lose your friends, lose yourself."
-Boy Meets World
"If I am such a legend, why am I so lonely?"
-Judy Garland
I don’t understand
This should be so easy
To just reach out my hand
And know the world is real
But nothing’s as it seems
Though I can tell you freely
Touching’s not the only way to feel
-"When The Rain Falls", The Zetta Bytes