You think you know...but you have NO idea
This one is for all of those who think they know me and who have pretended for far too long to care-- false words backed by fake actions. You probably only pretended because you thought I needed it, and maybe I did at the time... but I don't anymore. I realize now that you went through the motions, but in all actuality, you were lost to me a long time ago. There was a point when the act probably wasn't all a façade, but that point was a long time ago. You moved on and I was left in the dust. Hoping, pretending that you would care enough to involve me. That you would want to share with me what you did with them. I thought that time would somehow bring us closer-- well you closer to me, like we were once upon a time. But my wishes never came true. I was wishing on a star, and I guess it wasn't the right one because I waited, and you never involved me.
We grew apart, and as hard as it is to admit it, neither of us did anything to stop it. I held on to the ideal friendship you and I once had, because it was there...I didn't imagine it. We were close. I used to not be a shadow. I didn't use to feel like I was a charity case when I was in your presence. You told me you would always be there, and I guess on the surface you were, but in more important aspects, all I dealt with was a shell of you. All that was left over after your other friends. I was benched the year I really needed you. The year that I was decaying inside you didn't even notice. You didn't ask. You didn't care. Sure you said you did, but actions speak louder than words and your lack of actions toward me were SCREAMING.
There was a point when it was almost as if you and I needed eachother. But looking back, 3/4 + 3/4 = 1 1/2, and that equation shouldn't be found outside of a math problem, let alone a friendship. There was a point when I based all of my self-worth on your presence in my life. I looked up to you, I respected you, and I waited. I was sure that you would prove me right so I could prove everyone wrong. I didn't want to be your shadow like I was being called. But in the end, that's all I was. I followed you around like a lost puppy with absolutely no dignity. I gave up all the other people who might have actually cared in the end for someone that ended up letting me down.
Did I show you that I was unhappy? Maybe not as much as I should have, but I know I did. Subtley sure, but it was there nonetheless. My other friends were there when I needed them the most over the summer. But where were you? People I hadn't talked to for years sent their sympathy when she died, but I never heard from you. When I was in the hospital even if only for a night, it didn't register on your radar. Is this selfish? Probably, but I was there for you. When the most important guys in your life had surgery, whenever you needed advice. Even when your dog died in 7th grade I consoled you. The point is that I was there for you and always was, and in the end you were nowhere to be found. I can't be denied that you were there the most when the seizures happened, but after that I don't know where you went.
Lately I realized something though. I'm nobodies best friend, and I haven't been for a long time. But I'm okay with that now. So you don't have to pretend to be mine. I don't know why this is all of the sudden a big enough deal that I had to write a LJ about it, but it's the first time I've honestly said how I felt in regards to you. It's incredibly whiney and kinda pathetic that I used a LJ to say it, but at least now it's been said. Not entirely sure where to go from here, and if I'm stuck, then it's okay. I think maybe I was sposta end up this way. And I learned that everything was temporary. Nothing sticks around, and neither does anybody. But I'm not blaming you; just saying how I feel and how I've felt. I thought you should know.
Oh well... that's all. I just thought I'd let you know that you no longer have any whole friend obligations to fulfill and the magic can stay gone. I don't need it. And if your only advice to me is to be slutty, you don't hold me in very high regards...even if it was just a joke.
Alright, enough of this bullshit, I'm going to study. I will go to Princeton. I will live up to people's expectations, but more importantly, I'll live up to my own.
*QUOTES*
How could you know
That behind my eyes a sad girl cried
And how could you know
That I hurt so much inside
How could you know
That I'm not the average girl
I'm carrying the weight of the world
So can you get me out of here
I'm playing the role of the happy girl but no one knows
Inside I'm alone but I will never let it show
I dread everyday
~"Over It" Anneliese Van Der Pol
"Find out who you are, and do it on purpose."
~Dolly Parton
"You think you could do them that well?"
-"I could do better."
~Me and Steph
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me. (People who haven't read that book shouldn't use the phrase.)
We grew apart, and as hard as it is to admit it, neither of us did anything to stop it. I held on to the ideal friendship you and I once had, because it was there...I didn't imagine it. We were close. I used to not be a shadow. I didn't use to feel like I was a charity case when I was in your presence. You told me you would always be there, and I guess on the surface you were, but in more important aspects, all I dealt with was a shell of you. All that was left over after your other friends. I was benched the year I really needed you. The year that I was decaying inside you didn't even notice. You didn't ask. You didn't care. Sure you said you did, but actions speak louder than words and your lack of actions toward me were SCREAMING.
There was a point when it was almost as if you and I needed eachother. But looking back, 3/4 + 3/4 = 1 1/2, and that equation shouldn't be found outside of a math problem, let alone a friendship. There was a point when I based all of my self-worth on your presence in my life. I looked up to you, I respected you, and I waited. I was sure that you would prove me right so I could prove everyone wrong. I didn't want to be your shadow like I was being called. But in the end, that's all I was. I followed you around like a lost puppy with absolutely no dignity. I gave up all the other people who might have actually cared in the end for someone that ended up letting me down.
Did I show you that I was unhappy? Maybe not as much as I should have, but I know I did. Subtley sure, but it was there nonetheless. My other friends were there when I needed them the most over the summer. But where were you? People I hadn't talked to for years sent their sympathy when she died, but I never heard from you. When I was in the hospital even if only for a night, it didn't register on your radar. Is this selfish? Probably, but I was there for you. When the most important guys in your life had surgery, whenever you needed advice. Even when your dog died in 7th grade I consoled you. The point is that I was there for you and always was, and in the end you were nowhere to be found. I can't be denied that you were there the most when the seizures happened, but after that I don't know where you went.
Lately I realized something though. I'm nobodies best friend, and I haven't been for a long time. But I'm okay with that now. So you don't have to pretend to be mine. I don't know why this is all of the sudden a big enough deal that I had to write a LJ about it, but it's the first time I've honestly said how I felt in regards to you. It's incredibly whiney and kinda pathetic that I used a LJ to say it, but at least now it's been said. Not entirely sure where to go from here, and if I'm stuck, then it's okay. I think maybe I was sposta end up this way. And I learned that everything was temporary. Nothing sticks around, and neither does anybody. But I'm not blaming you; just saying how I feel and how I've felt. I thought you should know.
Oh well... that's all. I just thought I'd let you know that you no longer have any whole friend obligations to fulfill and the magic can stay gone. I don't need it. And if your only advice to me is to be slutty, you don't hold me in very high regards...even if it was just a joke.
Alright, enough of this bullshit, I'm going to study. I will go to Princeton. I will live up to people's expectations, but more importantly, I'll live up to my own.
*QUOTES*
How could you know
That behind my eyes a sad girl cried
And how could you know
That I hurt so much inside
How could you know
That I'm not the average girl
I'm carrying the weight of the world
So can you get me out of here
I'm playing the role of the happy girl but no one knows
Inside I'm alone but I will never let it show
I dread everyday
~"Over It" Anneliese Van Der Pol
"Find out who you are, and do it on purpose."
~Dolly Parton
"You think you could do them that well?"
-"I could do better."
~Me and Steph
To know me is to love me, and you know you love me. (People who haven't read that book shouldn't use the phrase.)