Whatever bitches
Life, sometimes so worthless yet at other times so rewarding. Life, the pleasures of knowing how you feel knowing what is real knowing what to say. Life, the joys of having to learn the hard way, the joys of having to learn in general. Life, sorrow and sympathy pain and anger, justice and self satisfaction. Life the most complicated word in the world, filled with mixed emotions on every subject that we touch base on.
Learning to deal with the fact that one can hurt you with the things that they say is dealing with the fact that not everything is going to be the way that you want them to be all the time. You win some and of course you lose some but God dame it I never thought that winning and losing could be so hurtful. I look back at the first entry and then I reread the sentence that I am writing right now, at this very moment as I type this very sentence. It makes no sense to me. It probably makes no sense to anyone at that. I don’t care. I really honestly without doubt don’t care. I am done. Done with everything. Done with trying to make it seem like everything is ok. That everything is going to be fine. That life is what I want it to be right now. I am done trying to pretend that I want something when I really don’t.
I don’t even know what I am writing right now. I honestly don’t know. All these thoughts and emotions right now are just driving me crazy. I am going to try my hardest to honesty sit back and just let everything flow the way it is supposed to flow. I want everything to just fit right. I don’t know who is going to read this and honestly I can care less. Because I forgot that I was very “inconsiderate”. Let’s begin:
I feel like giving up. Feel like giving up on everything. Feel like giving up on someone who means so much to me. Feel like giving up on everything that I have worked for. It is so hard to believe that when you care about someone that much when something goes wrong and you feel like it is getting worst your whole life falls apart. I can understand how my best friend feels. I can honestly understand her to the fullest. I can understand how it feels to not be able to get through to someone. I feel so abandoned right now. I feel so left alone. Not being able to satisfy my own boyfriend. Not being able to give it my all. Not being able to understand him because he does not even understand me. Not succeeding in trying to help him realize that LOVE is everything. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it takes away all your problems. Because with love there is that understanding beneath it all. With love there is that acknowledgement. With love there is that worship praise loyalty satisfaction joy laughter and smiles. There is that sense of existence. That sense of security. That sense that you have everything that you want and so much more. Why can’t he just understand? That I want nothing more but to make him happy. I want nothing more but to show him how I feel. But how can I do that…. If I am not happy. How can I show him if he does not let me. But now with MY BOYFRIEND he did give me time. His definition of time is 1 week, 2 weeks. What???? WHY??? Why can’t he understand? How does he expect me to give it my all if he can’t even understand that he has to give it his all as well. How can I give it my all if he cant understand the littlest things? The tiniest things, the things that are so little but are so important. How can he not understand that and then in return expect to have a boyfriend by is side how can he say that he is ready to have a boyfriend. How can he say that he loves someone and would do anything for that person. You can’t do it. You can’t love and care for someone. You can’t make someone happy. You can’t do all those things if you yourself or not truly happy. You yourself are filled with guilt let downs, weaknesses within yourself. How do you expect me to go about things when everything that you have ever done with me feels like it was all pretend? You, your always thinking about me like you always do. You saying to your self that you “are afraid to show how you really feel because then you will get upset” you did say that to me. Well fuck you and your negative assumptions about how I will go about things. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. Can you not see what you are doing? You doing bad or good drives me insane. It drives me crazy. I feel like I can’t live without you, but then at the same time what am I doing to myself. What am I doing with myself? I am Luis. I AM LUIS ANGEL BORGES. I have a MIND OF MY OWN. I have THOUGHTS, SKILL, INTEGERITY, LOVE KINDNESS, and BOLDNESS. I have it. I have it. Why do I sit here why do I sit here and think and think. Compromising myself. Compromising who I am. Compromising who I should be. Why. I ask my self WHY???? I ASK IT ALL THE TIME. I ask myself all the time. But me saying all of this does not matter right. It truly does not matter right. Why does it not matter? I know why. Because I don’t show it right. I am so nonchalant about it right. I am so fucken inconsiderate right. Why can’t you just take me for who I am? I know I have. I have analyzed myself and I take myself for who I am. You are all these things, loveable, kind, joyful, honest, emotional, tender, fragile, mature, immature, scared, happy, integrity, drive, capability, potential, eager, satisfier, responder, receiver, giver, rude, arrogant, cocky, self conscious, analytical, annoying, repetitive, attached….. AND SO MUCH MORE. And you know what….. I never ask why until now….. What does that tell me about me…? I am getting weaker. What does that tell me about you…… you are pushing me away and not even realizing it? But it’s FUCKEN REDICIOUSLY……. Oh yes…… that I still love you but maybe you don’t believe that since I don’t show you.
Maybe I am rubbing it in your face. Maybe it is inconsiderate. Maybe I am doing everything wrong. But maybe I am not. Maybe I am right. Maybe that is just life. Maybe you won’t ever read it. Maybe we won’t work. Maybe we will. Maybe you won’t ever realize that all I care about is us lasting. Maybe. But whatever its fucken ridiculous I’ll never show you anyways right.