Revelations about ones self
Holler!!!!!!!!!!!! (Lol)
So I guess I can say thank the lord from above who has kept me safe from harm. He has done a lot for me. Saving me from the evils of the world and always keeping me safe from the evils that you can even do to yourself.
Yesterday night was a revelation to me. I went to bed at around 6:17 in the afternoon and woke up at around 9:00 to the sound of my boyfriends annoying voice on the phone. “GOOD MORNING SLEEPY HEAD” (LOL) Man do I cherish little things like that. I’ve noticed that everything about him is so wonderful even when it is not. I guess a person grows on you once you sit back and put yourself in there shoes. And even when you know that things might not seem right at that particular moment, you learn to deal with that instead of sitting on your ass wishing that everything would go away. I got off the phone with him and before I knew it I had to go right back to sleep because I had ACT’s the next day.
I found myself looking at my blurred window wishing that things could be ok. I sat up on my bed and craved for someone to just talk to me. I called Erica, and finally I had the guts to call Andre. He picked up and we talked for a while. I found out that his mom had a recurrence in cancer and she was going in for surgery and his car got stolen with all of his important possessions. And with all of that this guy that I thought was an asshole for leaving me did not seem like an ass hole at all. He seemed so despondent and he managed to pretend and keep his head up high that nothing was wrong. I admire someone who always has a smile on there face, I wish I could do it more. So with this talk he brought to my attention that I did not always have to waste my time getting mad about something so ridiculously stupid all the time, and again, like always, “Patients is a virtue”.
I got off the phone with him looking for something else wanting more never just stopping in the middle and leaving my unresolved problem alone. I could not do it. I can’t keep living my life like this. So I looked out this window again. This window that I was so much alike at that point in time… blurred and dirty. I looked through my phone book and came across a name. I name that I could not even think of. A name that brought a feeling of disgust. She took my best friend and turned her into something that she was not. Forcing her to see eye to eye with her on everything. I touched the green little phone that was engraved on one of my phone keys and I saw myself at that very moment so desperate and so unbelievably tired of everything calling someone that I thought I understood and in actuality I knew nothing about. Christina Garcia, Luz’s exgirlfriend.
She picked up the phone with her sweet sounding voice. I knew it was a disguise though but something wanted me to go deeper in to the conversation stopping myself from putting up a wall. She was a mystery. You could hate this girl for everything she did but you still had to love her. We talked that night for a while. I won’t say about what but we talked. And within that talk I let myself out. Holding back nothing. Sharing every little problem and flaw that was engraved and scratched on to my skin, heart, and soul.
Someone who wants and desires to understand someone else is someone who is not willing to understand at all. I’ve learned when you want so badly to understand someone you force something that is not actually there. You force something that is truly not ready to be revealed. So why was it, at that moment in time I truly understood this girl that I thought I hated with a passion. The answer was because it was always me who envied her. She had Luz in the palm of her hand making sure that she directed and positioned her in what ever direction she craved for Luz to go. I knew deep down in my soul that it was Christina who was the key at this very moment. Luz was down and alone craving for her attention craving to just have her in her arms again. And Luz fell. She fell not being able to balance herself. Afraid of a fear that was truly never there. Christina slipped away.
Why could I not be the key? Why could I not be the one that Luz went to? Why could I not make her happy? When you love some truly with all of your heart you tend to put them first no matter if you are wrong or right. I was able to hate Christina because she was the one that could make Luz happy. She was the one that completed Luz.
I forced myself to try to understand her and in the end I grew to think that I hated her. It was always me and my negative thoughts because it was not until the night that we talked that I learned I never hated Christina. If anything I was jealous. I knew deep down inside that night that she was and probably is the one for Luz. I sat back and listened to her. I understood. I understood each word, her sweet voice, the crackling of her voice when I felt as if she wanted to cry. Her fake laugh trying to make it seem as if she was ok. I learned that night that there was no game involved in there relationship. There was a relationship with hate, love, sadness, and concerns. It was a relationship to be worked at and when one could not understand the others view point because desire and want interrupted the truth of there conversation that is when it ended. I don’t know what went on in there relationship I am an outsider assuming things from information I know from seeing it or hearing it. The truth is, is that Love is blind and just because someone outside of the relationship opposes the relationship altogether it does not mean that there is no love at all.
When someone tries as much as Luz and Christina did it shows there need and there want to be with someone even if it hurts. I want that so badly, to feel and want desire and understand everything that goes on in my relationship. I want to love, hate, feel sadness, feel shame, feel sorry for things that I have done. I want to work hard to achieve that state of mind where I feel as if everything will be alright.
After that chat with Christina I confessed to Matt what really went on in my head. I guess I don’t know what came over me that night but somehow it was Christina who made me realize that Love has no power, it feels no need to give up, it is honesty, commitment, loyalty, and happiness. It shall not break or get old and it shall not laugh at ones view points. Love is work, work from the beginning till the end. And should one feel as if they have no more strength to go on. The answer is!!! Yes!!! They shall because that is life. But it is love that picks them right back up. Thank you Christina for showing me this.
I DEDICATE THIS TO….. A woman who I thought I hated, now a woman I have grown to truly love with all of my heart. To a man who I love, but a man that I know in due time I will risk my life just to stay his.
You live you learn and you struggle. But you die acknowledging your faults and your achievements. Should you cry for your faults and remember your achievements. I say ….. Do what ever the fuck you want. But whether you cry or acknowledge your achievements just remember that you made it through and that is what all of us should be thankful for. And that... is the Truth.