i hate it

[ribo_flavin]

i absolutely cant stand my life anymore. it sux, it simply sux. i wake up every morning and pray that it was a dream but i go downstairs, take one look, and realize "no, just my life". I go to bed evernight praying, praying so strongly that he'll get better but instead am waking up to the coughing, throwing up, yelling, and crying of the stupid house. i cant do this anymore. i just cant function like this. it might be his disease but we are all dealing with it. i may have to quit drama. i dunno if i will yet. i wanted it so bad, and this year i adctually got a good part. but if i'm not home to take care of the house who is? my mom needs to go to work now, same with my older sister, then my other sis helps run the store and manage college, and me and phil go to school. i really dont wanna leave drama but my parents hate it. my brother got a really good role...the lead...and instead of beig proud they call him a fag. i just cant take it anymore. our lives arent happy and i have one big black cloud looming over the house that wont go away. he is losing the battle and i dont wanna face it. cause if i recognize it then that means its the truth. i dont think i'm doing relay this year either. i have to help the family. we have to hold together. we cant forfit. he starves himself, he doesnt at anything. he may hate us all but we will stick a funnel in his mouth if we have to........otherwise the doctors say he'll die. i cant have that in my life right now. i'm too young to lose my dad. my sisters gonna get married this august...he's gotta be there for the wedding. he cant orphan us. nobody knows how this feels. and then i have to put on a smile and go to school and act like everything is okay. but i'm saying now, it's not okay...it sux...but nobody knows cause i dont say anything. i dont know what to do anymore...

**if your reading this and mention it in person i'll probably deny it. i dont normally pour my feelings out on livejournal...especially not when i think it'll be viewed by others....but i needed to get it out....and it didnt want to do it orally...