An explanation and accounting of my absence from, well... everywhere:
Hi all. How goes? So I've been trying to write this entry for nigh on a month now, it just hasn't been flowing. I don't really feel like going into grand detail, but I do feel I should give you all a some explanation for why I've been AWOL from DW and LJ and Double Bluff.
It's been a really tough time for me health wise - I have a new and currently un-diagnosed health issue. The trail of attempting to diagnose it has, annoyingly, turned up other stones of health issues that while not the main issue, are issues that require taking care of. Had to go get a CT scan (That was fun! No really... really, no. Did manage to make the scan tech laugh though, so that's something.). Have a cyst on my kidney and incidentally horse shoe kidney. Neither of these things really means much, beyond apparently the need to return for another CT scan in 6 months to make sure the cyst hasn't done any new and fascinating tricks. But if they could please work out why bits of me hurt that should not hurt, I'd really appreciate it. And if someone could come up with a computer chair that doesn't make those bits hurt more, I'd REALLY appreciate it.
In addition to my health issues, I've had some online related issues with a couple of people that were the people who made going online and interacting always fun for me. Basically there have been some falling outs and going online has stopped being fun and started being a social anxiety issue that rivals attempting to go to a new bar in the middle of the city on a Saturday night by myself (which, in case I've never told you all... doesn't happen. My social anxiety is such that that feat is pretty much beyond me unless there are extenuating circumstances - like saving orphans, I might do it to save orphans.). I've been missing the people who dragged me into fandom who have since disappeared and I miss several friends I made along the way who have moved on. I know it happens, but lately it's bugged me more than usual. I miss them so much. One of them was the reason I started writing and one of them was the reason I didn't feel so alone in some of my experiences. I just miss them and somehow with my stress levels that has turned to a feeling of fear of meeting new people because I might just lose them too. Which is BS logically, but hard to pull myself out of emotionally.
So I've pretty much spent most of the last several months feeling like crap, feeling like I'll never hit "healthy" again despite all my efforts (and there have been some pretty serious efforts, sigh...) and feeling like coming out to play online was a sure fire way to end the day feeling worse than when I started. I've opened this stupid journal entry screen 20 times and just stared at it and felt brave for getting that far some days.
As for Double Bluff, I have vowed to finish it, and I have three people poking me with sharp sticks to get it done. It's pretty much the only thing that's brought me back here to do this. Even though I've got it, and the next two books, plotted out, I've been having some issue with the fact that it's gotten a tad darker than I expected it to (don't worry though, happy endings eventually) and I've been wary of writing the darker parts "wrong" because I'm not sure I'm fully up to the challenge. My goal is to post another chapter in the next week(ish), and after that I'd like to try really hard to have a chapter a week until it's done. The annoying bit is that the 2nd book is trying to write itself instead and keeps trying to cut out the in between... but I think I need the in between (I've TRIED not to... but that doesn't seem to work).
I apologize for my absence and I hope that you're all doing okay. I'm going to try and stick around more frequently in the near future, but I have to warn you all, I may eventually jump off DW and LJ entirely and just post my fic to AO3. If I do so, I will warn you in advance, I promise. At this point, I just don't know. I'm going to have to find a point that makes me comfortable and keeps the promises I've made, so there may be compromises. I do promise to you though, that even if I drop off the face of the earth completely (which would pretty much only happen if I have hospital stays to attend to... which is HIGHLY unlikely), arrangements have been made to make my story notes available to you all so that you will get to know how the story ends. So never fear, you will get the end of the tale no matter what.
My love to you all and positive hopes for the new Spring for those in a similar hemisphere to me.
_______________________________________ This entry was originally posted at http://riazendira.dreamwidth.org/68117.html, where there are
comments. Please comment on either journal as you please.
It's been a really tough time for me health wise - I have a new and currently un-diagnosed health issue. The trail of attempting to diagnose it has, annoyingly, turned up other stones of health issues that while not the main issue, are issues that require taking care of. Had to go get a CT scan (That was fun! No really... really, no. Did manage to make the scan tech laugh though, so that's something.). Have a cyst on my kidney and incidentally horse shoe kidney. Neither of these things really means much, beyond apparently the need to return for another CT scan in 6 months to make sure the cyst hasn't done any new and fascinating tricks. But if they could please work out why bits of me hurt that should not hurt, I'd really appreciate it. And if someone could come up with a computer chair that doesn't make those bits hurt more, I'd REALLY appreciate it.
In addition to my health issues, I've had some online related issues with a couple of people that were the people who made going online and interacting always fun for me. Basically there have been some falling outs and going online has stopped being fun and started being a social anxiety issue that rivals attempting to go to a new bar in the middle of the city on a Saturday night by myself (which, in case I've never told you all... doesn't happen. My social anxiety is such that that feat is pretty much beyond me unless there are extenuating circumstances - like saving orphans, I might do it to save orphans.). I've been missing the people who dragged me into fandom who have since disappeared and I miss several friends I made along the way who have moved on. I know it happens, but lately it's bugged me more than usual. I miss them so much. One of them was the reason I started writing and one of them was the reason I didn't feel so alone in some of my experiences. I just miss them and somehow with my stress levels that has turned to a feeling of fear of meeting new people because I might just lose them too. Which is BS logically, but hard to pull myself out of emotionally.
So I've pretty much spent most of the last several months feeling like crap, feeling like I'll never hit "healthy" again despite all my efforts (and there have been some pretty serious efforts, sigh...) and feeling like coming out to play online was a sure fire way to end the day feeling worse than when I started. I've opened this stupid journal entry screen 20 times and just stared at it and felt brave for getting that far some days.
As for Double Bluff, I have vowed to finish it, and I have three people poking me with sharp sticks to get it done. It's pretty much the only thing that's brought me back here to do this. Even though I've got it, and the next two books, plotted out, I've been having some issue with the fact that it's gotten a tad darker than I expected it to (don't worry though, happy endings eventually) and I've been wary of writing the darker parts "wrong" because I'm not sure I'm fully up to the challenge. My goal is to post another chapter in the next week(ish), and after that I'd like to try really hard to have a chapter a week until it's done. The annoying bit is that the 2nd book is trying to write itself instead and keeps trying to cut out the in between... but I think I need the in between (I've TRIED not to... but that doesn't seem to work).
I apologize for my absence and I hope that you're all doing okay. I'm going to try and stick around more frequently in the near future, but I have to warn you all, I may eventually jump off DW and LJ entirely and just post my fic to AO3. If I do so, I will warn you in advance, I promise. At this point, I just don't know. I'm going to have to find a point that makes me comfortable and keeps the promises I've made, so there may be compromises. I do promise to you though, that even if I drop off the face of the earth completely (which would pretty much only happen if I have hospital stays to attend to... which is HIGHLY unlikely), arrangements have been made to make my story notes available to you all so that you will get to know how the story ends. So never fear, you will get the end of the tale no matter what.
My love to you all and positive hopes for the new Spring for those in a similar hemisphere to me.
_______________________________________ This entry was originally posted at http://riazendira.dreamwidth.org/68117.html, where there are
comments. Please comment on either journal as you please.