Starting over
Wow, I haven't logged into LJ in years... However, I felt the need to blog about my feelings and while diaries are nice, I type so much faster.
So my mom was diagnosed back in Feb. (2-2-07 to be exact) with inoperable stage 4 kidney cancer. Its in her lungs, liver, a clot in a major vein, and I think her brain to an extent. Tough.
Anyhow, I just want to blog my day to day feelings about it. I need to talk to someone but there seems to be no one left.
Today, well... today I'm really feeling left out. I feel like all she wants to do is spend time with other people. Even our "family" beach trip was spent more with her best friends than with her kids. The tough part is that its not really wrong of her to do so. It is completely opposite of what I would chose to do, but that doesn't change the fact that at this point its her life, and there's nothing wrong with ignoring one bunch for the other. Its not going to send her to hell, and it won't change the outcome of the disease. The only thing she's really doing is hurting more those who are around her and care about her most.
That's another thing. I don't think she understands or realizes just how much we all love her. All her kids... Sure, she's our mom so we just argue and try to get away with everything, but that doesn't change the fundamental fact that she's our mom. I feel like that is taken for granted a lot. I feel like she just assumes that we care only as much as we can get away with and then just turns to her friends for support. Again, all well and good, but it leaves us who live/lived with her the past 20 years kinda out in the dust. We are going to be hurt most and affect most by her passing. I'm sorry but its true. Amy, Rhonda, Koena, Ann, Susan... they will all just keep going. They have their kids, families, lives already. However Elyse is getting married just as mom passes. There will be no mom for marital advice. I've said from the beginning my big thing is I just want to be pregnant once even if she is only there for the first few months. At least then she will have that time for me to call and ask this that or the other about pregnancy. Val, she's losing her cheerleader about school, life and faith. Dad's still around, but he doesn't have the foggiest idea about homeschooling any of us, let alone getting one of us into college. Monica... she's losing the better half of her growing up. The part where mom's share those lasting memories before college, marriage and family... Ben, he's losing all that plus some. Rita... poor Rita won't even have a mom around when she gets her first period. Dad will have to be the one she asks to buy her pads. My dad! Nothing would be more humiliating for both. And Dom... he's losing everything. He's just to the age where he remembers everything, does everything, these are the years he will first remember. I worry that his memory of her will fade before he's even 13. Not for lack of our telling, but rather, lack of life experience. That's the only reason this really hurts for me. I feel abandoned in a way. And shunned.
Some days this all just feels so surreal. Like there's no way my mom MY MOM could be dying of cancer. She is the pin-ultimate in health, and life. I mean if a disease was going to kill someone it should be my dad, or me... even my grandparents before my mom. I guess sometimes my mind just won't accept it. Then I just sit and say over and over "my mom is dying of cancer" and it doesn't change.
So my mom was diagnosed back in Feb. (2-2-07 to be exact) with inoperable stage 4 kidney cancer. Its in her lungs, liver, a clot in a major vein, and I think her brain to an extent. Tough.
Anyhow, I just want to blog my day to day feelings about it. I need to talk to someone but there seems to be no one left.
Today, well... today I'm really feeling left out. I feel like all she wants to do is spend time with other people. Even our "family" beach trip was spent more with her best friends than with her kids. The tough part is that its not really wrong of her to do so. It is completely opposite of what I would chose to do, but that doesn't change the fact that at this point its her life, and there's nothing wrong with ignoring one bunch for the other. Its not going to send her to hell, and it won't change the outcome of the disease. The only thing she's really doing is hurting more those who are around her and care about her most.
That's another thing. I don't think she understands or realizes just how much we all love her. All her kids... Sure, she's our mom so we just argue and try to get away with everything, but that doesn't change the fundamental fact that she's our mom. I feel like that is taken for granted a lot. I feel like she just assumes that we care only as much as we can get away with and then just turns to her friends for support. Again, all well and good, but it leaves us who live/lived with her the past 20 years kinda out in the dust. We are going to be hurt most and affect most by her passing. I'm sorry but its true. Amy, Rhonda, Koena, Ann, Susan... they will all just keep going. They have their kids, families, lives already. However Elyse is getting married just as mom passes. There will be no mom for marital advice. I've said from the beginning my big thing is I just want to be pregnant once even if she is only there for the first few months. At least then she will have that time for me to call and ask this that or the other about pregnancy. Val, she's losing her cheerleader about school, life and faith. Dad's still around, but he doesn't have the foggiest idea about homeschooling any of us, let alone getting one of us into college. Monica... she's losing the better half of her growing up. The part where mom's share those lasting memories before college, marriage and family... Ben, he's losing all that plus some. Rita... poor Rita won't even have a mom around when she gets her first period. Dad will have to be the one she asks to buy her pads. My dad! Nothing would be more humiliating for both. And Dom... he's losing everything. He's just to the age where he remembers everything, does everything, these are the years he will first remember. I worry that his memory of her will fade before he's even 13. Not for lack of our telling, but rather, lack of life experience. That's the only reason this really hurts for me. I feel abandoned in a way. And shunned.
Some days this all just feels so surreal. Like there's no way my mom MY MOM could be dying of cancer. She is the pin-ultimate in health, and life. I mean if a disease was going to kill someone it should be my dad, or me... even my grandparents before my mom. I guess sometimes my mind just won't accept it. Then I just sit and say over and over "my mom is dying of cancer" and it doesn't change.