(no subject)

[rialc]

I am very seriously starting to doubt some people's true colors. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive here, but I can't handle that sort of reaction to some wonderful news. Especially from my best friend. I need to go away. Far far away. So I think I shall. For now, I'm stuck here. If I seem to fall off the face of the earth, that's because I'm not putting forth effort anymore. I'm sick of it. You want it, come and get it. I'm tired of trying 200% and getting the 10th degree before the pat on the back. If you are my friend, be my friend. Don't be an ass. I can no longer handle everything at once. I am finally standing up for myself, for what I want, and what I think I need. Hopefully this time I can follow this one through to the end. Also, if I disappear, or avoid you, or act strange around you in particular, maybe, just maybe, you have done something wrong. Dumb shit male sex. I'm sorry if I sound extremely upset, but right now I kinda am. I was pushed over the edge by several things last night and made to feel suicidal again. All I wanted was to cut myself. Instead I drank. So I guess in a way I avoided hurting myself, but in a way, I still did. I woke up this morning and I was mad. I don't want that anymore! That's not me. That's not the way I want to live. If that is how certain people or behaviors are going to make me feel I am going to cut them out completely. "If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off." Please please don't take this as a cue to stay the hell away from me. Take this as a warning. If I don't answer my phone, you screwed up. If your phone doesn't ring, this is why. Not to mention, I'm extremely busy now with a full time job, a boyfriend, and school. Other relationships are still important to me, like my family and friends and church, but they come in according to how much effort is put forth by both parties, not me first!

Thank you for letting me rant, especially since no one reads this and gives a rats ass anyhow. Goes back home to her bottle of wine.