(no subject)
I don't know for sure if this is the right place for this, but I have a question about it, and hopefully someone can help me out.
I recently started back to school and one of the required courses is Personal Health and Wellness, you know, the crap PE class they make you take. Anyhow, I'm taking it at 7am, which is hard enough since I hate mornings and I have to get up at 5 to be there on time. Well, this morning we had a 1.5 mile walk/run, and I was actually looking forward to it. In the past I would always speed walk to release stress, and exercise in general. Its something easy to do, and I guess I sort of felt like I was running from my problems for a little while. Usually I did this with some loud music blaring, but since this was a class, I didn't bring my cd player. Anyhow, 6 times around the track, no biggie right? Wrong! By half-way through my first lap I was wanting my razor so bad! All I could think about and focus on was getting around and getting out of class so I could go slice myself to bits. I just wanted to scream, and cut and pull my hair out. I couldn't handle a simple thing like walking around the track 6 times. That made me even more upset, making me want to cut more! It was all I could do to keep going, but I just kept fantasizing about lying in a pool of my blood. The teacher is the real peppy type in the morning, and that just grated on my nerves all the more. But instead of wanting to harm her, everything she said that upset me, or annoyed me, made me think of another cut, or a deeper cut. Finally I finished my laps and made for my car where I had my razor waiting. I always keep it with me, it makes me feel better just knowing I have it but didn't use it. I managed to stop myself from actually cutting, knowing I couldn't handle the looks or questions of anyone who would notice my fresh wounds in my next class.
Here is my question. Has anyone ever encountered this sort of thing before? I thought exerciseing was supposed to release endorphines and make me feel less depressed, not more so, and especially not make me want to SI. The more I thought about it, in my early cutting days, I would go out and walk like this in order not to cut, but doing so usually only pumped me up to slice my arms open when I got back home. I remember on more than one occasion last year going home after a 1-2 hour walk and cutting pretty bad. It was the first "bad cuts" I had ever inflicted but it didn't scare me, I just opened a smirnoff and started drinking. It was almost a better release than just cutting itself. What should I do about this? I don't know if I can handle taking the class if it is going to trigger me like that every time. What if I don't fight it off one day, and then someone catches me cutting and I get sent to the hospital again? I can't go through all that mess again. Please, any input here would be great.
Also, I don't know if this is a factor or not, but I am on effexor and topomax, and I have been out of the topomax for 3-4 days now. I don't know enough about this drug, being used as a mood stabalizer, to know if it is playing into this at all or not. Thanks for your input and help!
Okay, so I wrote that on a different blog a few days ago. I skipped my next day in that class because I was so afraid of it. Today I went back and we exercised again. The same thing happened, though not as intense. I am back on my meds. I still didn't cut, but I don't like the fantacies, and I don't like the exhausted feeling of fighting it all off either. Any one here have any thoughts or input on this? Should I try to get special permission not to have to take the class? I don't know what to do, but going back only scares me more after it happened again. *sighs* I'm just really getting more and more worn out by all this, and I wish it would have happened before drop add because now I'm just gonna be more behind because of it.
I recently started back to school and one of the required courses is Personal Health and Wellness, you know, the crap PE class they make you take. Anyhow, I'm taking it at 7am, which is hard enough since I hate mornings and I have to get up at 5 to be there on time. Well, this morning we had a 1.5 mile walk/run, and I was actually looking forward to it. In the past I would always speed walk to release stress, and exercise in general. Its something easy to do, and I guess I sort of felt like I was running from my problems for a little while. Usually I did this with some loud music blaring, but since this was a class, I didn't bring my cd player. Anyhow, 6 times around the track, no biggie right? Wrong! By half-way through my first lap I was wanting my razor so bad! All I could think about and focus on was getting around and getting out of class so I could go slice myself to bits. I just wanted to scream, and cut and pull my hair out. I couldn't handle a simple thing like walking around the track 6 times. That made me even more upset, making me want to cut more! It was all I could do to keep going, but I just kept fantasizing about lying in a pool of my blood. The teacher is the real peppy type in the morning, and that just grated on my nerves all the more. But instead of wanting to harm her, everything she said that upset me, or annoyed me, made me think of another cut, or a deeper cut. Finally I finished my laps and made for my car where I had my razor waiting. I always keep it with me, it makes me feel better just knowing I have it but didn't use it. I managed to stop myself from actually cutting, knowing I couldn't handle the looks or questions of anyone who would notice my fresh wounds in my next class.
Here is my question. Has anyone ever encountered this sort of thing before? I thought exerciseing was supposed to release endorphines and make me feel less depressed, not more so, and especially not make me want to SI. The more I thought about it, in my early cutting days, I would go out and walk like this in order not to cut, but doing so usually only pumped me up to slice my arms open when I got back home. I remember on more than one occasion last year going home after a 1-2 hour walk and cutting pretty bad. It was the first "bad cuts" I had ever inflicted but it didn't scare me, I just opened a smirnoff and started drinking. It was almost a better release than just cutting itself. What should I do about this? I don't know if I can handle taking the class if it is going to trigger me like that every time. What if I don't fight it off one day, and then someone catches me cutting and I get sent to the hospital again? I can't go through all that mess again. Please, any input here would be great.
Also, I don't know if this is a factor or not, but I am on effexor and topomax, and I have been out of the topomax for 3-4 days now. I don't know enough about this drug, being used as a mood stabalizer, to know if it is playing into this at all or not. Thanks for your input and help!
Okay, so I wrote that on a different blog a few days ago. I skipped my next day in that class because I was so afraid of it. Today I went back and we exercised again. The same thing happened, though not as intense. I am back on my meds. I still didn't cut, but I don't like the fantacies, and I don't like the exhausted feeling of fighting it all off either. Any one here have any thoughts or input on this? Should I try to get special permission not to have to take the class? I don't know what to do, but going back only scares me more after it happened again. *sighs* I'm just really getting more and more worn out by all this, and I wish it would have happened before drop add because now I'm just gonna be more behind because of it.