(no subject)
Oh, why hello there. I haven't seen you in a while. How've you been? Me, oh I've been alright. Oh just busy with work and life and trying to get through each day. No, not much, how about you? Ok, well you have a great day! Yeah, we should really get together. I think that's a great idea. Give me a call sometime. Alright, well, I gotta run, I'm on my way to work. See you later! Bye!
Sometimes we can be so superficial it makes me sick. And yet, superficiality seems to be the one way to keep your head above water. Otherwise you start to go down, and once you start to go down, there is very little you can do to stop until you hit the bottom and you push up with all your might and kick for the top again. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, since I've not really had anyone to talk to, and I think I've made some decisions about my life. Or at least decided what direction to face. Step one is accepting the pile of dog shit in front of you for the pile of sticking dog shit that it is. The past is the past. No one can do anything about it, and you just have to deal with it. Its part of me now. I can't help that at this point. All I can do to help anything is to accept my situation and try to make the best of it. In other words, Go find a shovel and clean up the dog shit. All relationships change, some end. I can't help that either. Its just what it is. It sucks, but it is. The best I can do is to try, and I do mean TRY, and focus on the ones that still call rather than the the few that won't. I'm 21 years old. Or at least I will be in 2 days. I need to have some direction in my life. The hard part is finding that direction. I have inherited some things from my mother. Her long black hair, excema, fear of doctors while being fascinated with the medical profession, and finally, the need to know the plan! And yet since the beginning of the year, when I gave my life to Christ, I have felt this tugging in my heart to relinquish "the plan" and learn to just trust, listen, follow, love, and obey. At first it was so easy to be gung-ho about it, I mean, I moved to Montana people! But now, now its harder. Now I feel like I'm floundering in the dark. It comes time to actually do the work and I'm home again, and this and that are right there and what about those but I wanted to... and I could, but I always loved, and then there is, what Lord, were you trying to say something? Trust? Oh, I do trust. I trust that you will give me Mr. Right, just make sure he looks like this and __________. You know the drill. Trust is such a difficult thing to do. Especially for someone who is ok, as long as she knows the plan. What's that Father? No, I didn't quite catch the plan? I mean, I know what to do today, but what about tomorrow? Shouldn't I be preparing for something? I mean this is my life we are talking about and I want to make sure everything works out with as few bumps in the road as possible. It is too my life? When did I do that? I did not give my life away, look, I'm still breathing. Oh yeah... I guess I did didn't I... Ok, well look
But can't you just
I know but
Alright. I surrender. I did make that decision. No, no, its ok. I don't want to take it back. What?!?! Of Course I love you! But you ask so much when you say to just Trust! I mean I don't know what's going to happen to me. What about all those hopes and dreams I had as a child Lord? Do those mean nothing to you? And what about my hopes and dreams now? I mean you should go get a soda or something because it could take a while to list them all. You know them already? Oh that's right. The desires of my heart... Yeah, you are the main desire of my heart God. But you already knew that too didn't you. All I'm saying is that its hard. I guess you know that too huh? That's why you had 12 friends around you all the time. I'm really only asking for one or two. Just a husband really. I know, surrender. Trust. Just promise that if I trust, you will never leave. Oh, you already did? But they always leave me, everyone always leaves. You won't? You promise? Alright. I can do this, but when I get to heaven, can you do me a favor? Can you pick me up and hold me in your arms like a little child? No one holds me anymore, and I really need a hug. I will wait for you though, if you promise. I know, you never break your promises. Alright. I will try again. I'm sorry I messed up Lord. I'm gonna keep trying though. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, right? Give me the grace to make it. And while you are doling out the grace, please heal my brokenness Lord, and my wounds. They hurt so bad, and they only serve to keep me further from you. Teach me to follow better. I've always been a good leader. Ok, well, I need to get back to it. Eventually you gotta come down the mountain right? I like sitting here with you though. In the quiet. I love you too.
So yeah. As you can see, same old same old. But I'm trying! I'm always trying aren't I? Oh well. I read somewhere that Jesus asked us to live up to perfection not because He thought we could, but rather so that we would always strive for it and never stop, thinking we had truely reached that level of "God wants me here" holier than thou status. I wanna do so much. But I need to surrender so much more. That's why God blessed Elyse with friends like Blair and me with friends like Joseph. He knows my needs. I just need to learn to trust again. Or for the first time. Enough of my typing, back to work. *sighs* This job just might be the death of me! No, I doubt it, but it sure is driving me nuts right now!
Sometimes we can be so superficial it makes me sick. And yet, superficiality seems to be the one way to keep your head above water. Otherwise you start to go down, and once you start to go down, there is very little you can do to stop until you hit the bottom and you push up with all your might and kick for the top again. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, since I've not really had anyone to talk to, and I think I've made some decisions about my life. Or at least decided what direction to face. Step one is accepting the pile of dog shit in front of you for the pile of sticking dog shit that it is. The past is the past. No one can do anything about it, and you just have to deal with it. Its part of me now. I can't help that at this point. All I can do to help anything is to accept my situation and try to make the best of it. In other words, Go find a shovel and clean up the dog shit. All relationships change, some end. I can't help that either. Its just what it is. It sucks, but it is. The best I can do is to try, and I do mean TRY, and focus on the ones that still call rather than the the few that won't. I'm 21 years old. Or at least I will be in 2 days. I need to have some direction in my life. The hard part is finding that direction. I have inherited some things from my mother. Her long black hair, excema, fear of doctors while being fascinated with the medical profession, and finally, the need to know the plan! And yet since the beginning of the year, when I gave my life to Christ, I have felt this tugging in my heart to relinquish "the plan" and learn to just trust, listen, follow, love, and obey. At first it was so easy to be gung-ho about it, I mean, I moved to Montana people! But now, now its harder. Now I feel like I'm floundering in the dark. It comes time to actually do the work and I'm home again, and this and that are right there and what about those but I wanted to... and I could, but I always loved, and then there is, what Lord, were you trying to say something? Trust? Oh, I do trust. I trust that you will give me Mr. Right, just make sure he looks like this and __________. You know the drill. Trust is such a difficult thing to do. Especially for someone who is ok, as long as she knows the plan. What's that Father? No, I didn't quite catch the plan? I mean, I know what to do today, but what about tomorrow? Shouldn't I be preparing for something? I mean this is my life we are talking about and I want to make sure everything works out with as few bumps in the road as possible. It is too my life? When did I do that? I did not give my life away, look, I'm still breathing. Oh yeah... I guess I did didn't I... Ok, well look
But can't you just
I know but
Alright. I surrender. I did make that decision. No, no, its ok. I don't want to take it back. What?!?! Of Course I love you! But you ask so much when you say to just Trust! I mean I don't know what's going to happen to me. What about all those hopes and dreams I had as a child Lord? Do those mean nothing to you? And what about my hopes and dreams now? I mean you should go get a soda or something because it could take a while to list them all. You know them already? Oh that's right. The desires of my heart... Yeah, you are the main desire of my heart God. But you already knew that too didn't you. All I'm saying is that its hard. I guess you know that too huh? That's why you had 12 friends around you all the time. I'm really only asking for one or two. Just a husband really. I know, surrender. Trust. Just promise that if I trust, you will never leave. Oh, you already did? But they always leave me, everyone always leaves. You won't? You promise? Alright. I can do this, but when I get to heaven, can you do me a favor? Can you pick me up and hold me in your arms like a little child? No one holds me anymore, and I really need a hug. I will wait for you though, if you promise. I know, you never break your promises. Alright. I will try again. I'm sorry I messed up Lord. I'm gonna keep trying though. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, right? Give me the grace to make it. And while you are doling out the grace, please heal my brokenness Lord, and my wounds. They hurt so bad, and they only serve to keep me further from you. Teach me to follow better. I've always been a good leader. Ok, well, I need to get back to it. Eventually you gotta come down the mountain right? I like sitting here with you though. In the quiet. I love you too.
So yeah. As you can see, same old same old. But I'm trying! I'm always trying aren't I? Oh well. I read somewhere that Jesus asked us to live up to perfection not because He thought we could, but rather so that we would always strive for it and never stop, thinking we had truely reached that level of "God wants me here" holier than thou status. I wanna do so much. But I need to surrender so much more. That's why God blessed Elyse with friends like Blair and me with friends like Joseph. He knows my needs. I just need to learn to trust again. Or for the first time. Enough of my typing, back to work. *sighs* This job just might be the death of me! No, I doubt it, but it sure is driving me nuts right now!