(no subject)
Sometimes... I just want to... I need to...
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright but not right now. I know you're wondering when... Someday...
And it feels like today. I know. It feels like today.
Why can't he just hold me and love me and hug me? Even as a brother. He doesn't even seem capable of that. I'm tired of the fine line. I'm tired of us both being afraid of the other. I just want the time to sit down and figure it out. I just want to know where I stand with him. I just want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I can go be his friend for an afternoon and he can be mine. I don't want either of us walking on glass anymore, afraid of what one wrong word or action might do to the other. Its too stressful for both of us. Its too much for me, more than I can handle. I need him to just be my friend again. He's not there for me anymore right now, and that's hard. It hurts. A lot hurts...
I can feel the pains. I know they aren't real, but I feel them just the same. I wish I could stick a knife in me for every stabbing pain I feel. Especially right now. The thing is, if I did that, I know it would kill me. And it would be so gruesome. I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I'm tired of constant emotional pain. If its not Joseph, its my parents, or Elyse, or being torn about my friends, or wanting a drink, or Brad, or my period, or nightmares, or dreams of my children that may never be... I know, I know, I just shouldn't even think about these things, I should just float on and be happy. Whatever! I hurt. Don't you people understand this. I constantly hurt, and I have to face the reason and find closure or something. I need to fix this. I guess I don't constantly hurt, I'm exaggerating there. I don't know how to explain or express this. I want to. I want to be able to express to you what it is that I am going through. The pain I feel. The desires and needs I have. I can't help but think that the two are somehow intertwined. Dear God I just wish I could be better at this whole taking every thought captive thing!
Someday, somehow, I'm gonna make it alright but not right now. I know you're wondering when...
I'll keep waiting for you to come back if you'd only come back. But you won't. No you don't. Still I go on waiting...
I hate being a girl. But it will all be over with in a few days. I'll be back to close to normal then.
At least I have school... I just want to be a full time student again. I think I impressed my Grandparents by testing out of my science class like I did, so maybe they'll surprise me by helping out with fall tuition costs... Who knows. I would be so far beyond estatic if that happened!
So many more things to say. So much smarter than to say them. Like Judson said, it requires a certain level of intelligence to be depressed so at least I got that going for me. Thanks Juddy Buddy. I hate people who don't understand, and won't understand. Then I hate myself more for not trying to help them understand when given the opportunity. *slaps self around for being an idiot*
Well, back to work. May God grant me the grace to make it through this waking nightmare as I strive to live with myself but for Him, and Him alone. That is who I really am.
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright but not right now. I know you're wondering when... Someday...
And it feels like today. I know. It feels like today.
Why can't he just hold me and love me and hug me? Even as a brother. He doesn't even seem capable of that. I'm tired of the fine line. I'm tired of us both being afraid of the other. I just want the time to sit down and figure it out. I just want to know where I stand with him. I just want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I can go be his friend for an afternoon and he can be mine. I don't want either of us walking on glass anymore, afraid of what one wrong word or action might do to the other. Its too stressful for both of us. Its too much for me, more than I can handle. I need him to just be my friend again. He's not there for me anymore right now, and that's hard. It hurts. A lot hurts...
I can feel the pains. I know they aren't real, but I feel them just the same. I wish I could stick a knife in me for every stabbing pain I feel. Especially right now. The thing is, if I did that, I know it would kill me. And it would be so gruesome. I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I'm tired of constant emotional pain. If its not Joseph, its my parents, or Elyse, or being torn about my friends, or wanting a drink, or Brad, or my period, or nightmares, or dreams of my children that may never be... I know, I know, I just shouldn't even think about these things, I should just float on and be happy. Whatever! I hurt. Don't you people understand this. I constantly hurt, and I have to face the reason and find closure or something. I need to fix this. I guess I don't constantly hurt, I'm exaggerating there. I don't know how to explain or express this. I want to. I want to be able to express to you what it is that I am going through. The pain I feel. The desires and needs I have. I can't help but think that the two are somehow intertwined. Dear God I just wish I could be better at this whole taking every thought captive thing!
Someday, somehow, I'm gonna make it alright but not right now. I know you're wondering when...
I'll keep waiting for you to come back if you'd only come back. But you won't. No you don't. Still I go on waiting...
I hate being a girl. But it will all be over with in a few days. I'll be back to close to normal then.
At least I have school... I just want to be a full time student again. I think I impressed my Grandparents by testing out of my science class like I did, so maybe they'll surprise me by helping out with fall tuition costs... Who knows. I would be so far beyond estatic if that happened!
So many more things to say. So much smarter than to say them. Like Judson said, it requires a certain level of intelligence to be depressed so at least I got that going for me. Thanks Juddy Buddy. I hate people who don't understand, and won't understand. Then I hate myself more for not trying to help them understand when given the opportunity. *slaps self around for being an idiot*
Well, back to work. May God grant me the grace to make it through this waking nightmare as I strive to live with myself but for Him, and Him alone. That is who I really am.