...tuff love
Ever wanted to hate someone but you just couldnt because for some reason, in some way you needed them? Ever want to just abandon your feelings for someone because it cost too much? cause it drained you? cause it cost more to feel those feelings than to get rid of them? Did it ever anger you that you couldnt stop these feelings? That you had no control over who you unconditionally love and how they've become who you hate to love? Did you ever wonder how that very same person could have no conscience? How they could be so inconsiderate, so selfish, so purposely ignorant? Do you find yourself recognizing their faults and just adjusting to them without hesitation- even if it ultimately hurts you?
I'm guilty of that....
I'm guilty of loving a woman that continues to burn me. A woman that swears if she could she would help me. A woman who doesnt understand how much I need her and how much more I dont want to need her. I'm guily of loving a woman that continues to burn me in all her ability to be unaware of my feelings I wonder where her ability to be blind to my needs comes from?
I find the most awkward comforts in her voice. I trick myself into believing her...when her track record shows me different then her words. I want everytime to be different- I want this time to be true- I want to believe her- almost as much as I want to hate her.
I wonder if she subconsciously thinks of me as a reminder of where her life went wrong...I wonder if she imagines her life without me....
I wonder how it feels when reality hits her...I wonder if she realizes how much resentment has derived from the very place love should have been...I wonder if she hates me as much as I hate her....I wish I could....I wish I could hate her. I wish I could not feel any of this...not remember the pains..not be haunted by the memory.
I think what hurts more is that I sit by the window of my heart hoping, desiring, wishing I didnt have to wait-
I think what hurts most is that my heart wants to believe her everytime- but my memory wont let it.
I'm guily of loving a woman that continues to burn me and it burns me. I want to make up stories- Stories of funny times. I want to be able to bring up times when we laughed together til we cried- but the bad memories cloud my mind and drown those times out. I wonder who I wouldve been then? I wonder who I'd be now? I hate that I love her....I hate that feeling of needing her- I hate the energy it takes to hate her...
Ever wanted to hate someone but you just couldnt because for some reason, in some way you needed them? Ever want to just abandon your feelings for someone because it cost too much? cause it drained you? cause it cost more to feel those feelings than to get rid of them? Did it ever anger you that you couldnt stop these feelings? That you had no control over who you unconditionally love and how they've become who you hate to love? Did you ever wonder how that very same person could have no conscience? How they could be so inconsiderate, so selfish, so purposely ignorant? Do you find yourself recognizing their faults and just adjusting to them without hesitation- even if it ultimately hurts you? I have, I do and I wish I didnt and I wish I couldnt and I wish she could see but then I realize I dont want her to see how vulnerable I am to her- how much I need her...how much I love her. Cause she doesnt deserve it- cause she doesnt deserve me....cause she doesnt.
I'm guilty of that....
I'm guilty of loving a woman that continues to burn me. A woman that swears if she could she would help me. A woman who doesnt understand how much I need her and how much more I dont want to need her. I'm guily of loving a woman that continues to burn me in all her ability to be unaware of my feelings I wonder where her ability to be blind to my needs comes from?
I find the most awkward comforts in her voice. I trick myself into believing her...when her track record shows me different then her words. I want everytime to be different- I want this time to be true- I want to believe her- almost as much as I want to hate her.
I wonder if she subconsciously thinks of me as a reminder of where her life went wrong...I wonder if she imagines her life without me....
I wonder how it feels when reality hits her...I wonder if she realizes how much resentment has derived from the very place love should have been...I wonder if she hates me as much as I hate her....I wish I could....I wish I could hate her. I wish I could not feel any of this...not remember the pains..not be haunted by the memory.
I think what hurts more is that I sit by the window of my heart hoping, desiring, wishing I didnt have to wait-
I think what hurts most is that my heart wants to believe her everytime- but my memory wont let it.
I'm guily of loving a woman that continues to burn me and it burns me. I want to make up stories- Stories of funny times. I want to be able to bring up times when we laughed together til we cried- but the bad memories cloud my mind and drown those times out. I wonder who I wouldve been then? I wonder who I'd be now? I hate that I love her....I hate that feeling of needing her- I hate the energy it takes to hate her...
Ever wanted to hate someone but you just couldnt because for some reason, in some way you needed them? Ever want to just abandon your feelings for someone because it cost too much? cause it drained you? cause it cost more to feel those feelings than to get rid of them? Did it ever anger you that you couldnt stop these feelings? That you had no control over who you unconditionally love and how they've become who you hate to love? Did you ever wonder how that very same person could have no conscience? How they could be so inconsiderate, so selfish, so purposely ignorant? Do you find yourself recognizing their faults and just adjusting to them without hesitation- even if it ultimately hurts you? I have, I do and I wish I didnt and I wish I couldnt and I wish she could see but then I realize I dont want her to see how vulnerable I am to her- how much I need her...how much I love her. Cause she doesnt deserve it- cause she doesnt deserve me....cause she doesnt.