I think I am going mad...
Never live a double life it 'effing sucks. A kid in the year below asked me "Why don't you get the teachers to call you Ethan?" as if it was the easiest thing in the world to sort. I want them to but I can't because my parents have to be okay with it. This makes no sense, my parents can do whatever they want regardless to whether or not I am okay with it. But if I want to be happy it can't happen without their say so. I found out the other night that my choice in underwear breaks my dad's heart.... this confuses me to no end. Why does the fact that I wear boxers upset him so much, he doesn't even like the fact that I wear guys tops. Here is the thing though, I have been wearing boys tops pretty much since I turned twelve and I got a say in my clothes. I managed to get my first pair of guys trousers at 15, possibly because my mum didn't realise. I stole his boxers at 16 and never felt more right. I have never felt more comfortable and happy with myself since I accepted the fact that I really was a boy and that was fine.
I always knew I was a boy though. As a child I thought I was despite my name and the slight differences, I did do ballet and wear dresses in order to please family and fit in with other kids but once I got home I'd shove on trousers and pretend I was an explorer or zoo keeper or whatever. When it came to role-play games I was always the dad, I even told people when I grew up I wanted to be a daddy and have a beard. Of course people told me that I couldn't do that but I'll prove them wrong yet. Of course puberty was a little horrifying I had known what would happen since I was 7. I spent the next 3 years saying how I wasn't going to grow up, then the next few denying that I was. Once I was 11 we had sex education lessons, my school made sure we learnt both. I sat watching what was happening to the guys and wishing that would happen to me, I knew it wouldn't but I wanted it to so badly. By this point in life I was so worried about not fitting in that I didn't mention it to anyone.
I also saw a TV program about FTMs, being naive I figured I had to like girls in order for that be who I was. But I remember watching in awe and wishing so bad that I was them, actually being able to become a boy. I mentioned it to my mum, she passed it off as a phase and assured me that I was just a slightly masculine woman. Now I know that I was naive right up until I was 15 I thought my parents were infallible - considering I was so smart it took me a long time to realise that my parents are perfectly capable of being wrong.
Then my 13th birthday came, I invited a few friends over for a sleepover and we played a rather bizarre game where aliens came down and changed our sex, I jumped at the chance to be the first "victim" - I doubt most people play that game at 13. Right up until I came out I always volunteered to be the guy, I even pretended to be a friends boyfriend for a while. I also knew that no matter what I did not like girls, I didn't seem to be attracted to boys either, a lot of the time I was looking at them and thinking how much I wished I could look like them, how I wished I had been born a boy and I denied this feeling, figuring it would pass. I would also spend a year wishing I had something that proved I was male and yet I still thought this was a phase - this is what I got for listening to my parents.
The turning point was a few things, I got a boyfriend (who I'm still going out with in fact it is 29 months to this very day). I attempted to be feminine and girly and I hated it, in fact it was probably the worst year ever. I was depressed and had the self-esteem of nothing, everybody was more important to me, their happiness was more important than mine, I reckoned I was destined to be miserable. All the time that was going on I had this strange feeling that I wasn't right (I had got very good at denying that I was male by this point). I'd start to imagine the next day and I could only see myself as a boy, so I researched this as I thought I was going mad. I found FTMs again and this time it mentioned that liking boys was fine. Suddenly everything made sense, I made sense. I started to come out because I figured that people should know and I was starting to get happier, maybe I could grow up to be dad with a beard after all. I came out to Oliver first, I was his "girlfriend" so I figured he should know first, to this day neither of us can recall how I said it or how he reacted - so clearly it was fine. I picked my name and I recall my counsellor saying how much it suited me, Kim was really useful in finding me information. I wanted to be called Ethan at school about half a year after coming out, perhaps I was moving too fast, but I had known this for most of my life and I denied it for the majority of the time. That failed and I got rather depressed at my parents lack of understanding. I got another counsellor (one who didn't deal with LGBT kids) I had to debunk a few myths but apart from that he was great.
Still my parents don't get me, I just wrote all that and I see that as the "proof" they are looking for. The only proof I have is that I feel wrong, they should prove to me why they feel right with their gender and sex. I don't my body doesn't match my mind, it never will. Part of me wishes I could be born a boy but I learnt to accept that it will never happen and I'm fine. I am trans that is just a part of me, to my friends I'm male and it doesn't matter to them what I was before. They see me as Ethan and that is all I want, to be seen as who I am.
I guess I should try and see it from their point but I can't, I only see it as them trying to deny what is happening. I denied it for years so I only hope that like me, they will eventually come round to what this is. I know this isn't a phase, I denied it for years because I thought it was but I know it isn't. Right now I am glad for my extended "family" - the people who know that this isn't a phase and call me by my preferred name and pronouns. The people who actually respect me enough to do that.
I always knew I was a boy though. As a child I thought I was despite my name and the slight differences, I did do ballet and wear dresses in order to please family and fit in with other kids but once I got home I'd shove on trousers and pretend I was an explorer or zoo keeper or whatever. When it came to role-play games I was always the dad, I even told people when I grew up I wanted to be a daddy and have a beard. Of course people told me that I couldn't do that but I'll prove them wrong yet. Of course puberty was a little horrifying I had known what would happen since I was 7. I spent the next 3 years saying how I wasn't going to grow up, then the next few denying that I was. Once I was 11 we had sex education lessons, my school made sure we learnt both. I sat watching what was happening to the guys and wishing that would happen to me, I knew it wouldn't but I wanted it to so badly. By this point in life I was so worried about not fitting in that I didn't mention it to anyone.
I also saw a TV program about FTMs, being naive I figured I had to like girls in order for that be who I was. But I remember watching in awe and wishing so bad that I was them, actually being able to become a boy. I mentioned it to my mum, she passed it off as a phase and assured me that I was just a slightly masculine woman. Now I know that I was naive right up until I was 15 I thought my parents were infallible - considering I was so smart it took me a long time to realise that my parents are perfectly capable of being wrong.
Then my 13th birthday came, I invited a few friends over for a sleepover and we played a rather bizarre game where aliens came down and changed our sex, I jumped at the chance to be the first "victim" - I doubt most people play that game at 13. Right up until I came out I always volunteered to be the guy, I even pretended to be a friends boyfriend for a while. I also knew that no matter what I did not like girls, I didn't seem to be attracted to boys either, a lot of the time I was looking at them and thinking how much I wished I could look like them, how I wished I had been born a boy and I denied this feeling, figuring it would pass. I would also spend a year wishing I had something that proved I was male and yet I still thought this was a phase - this is what I got for listening to my parents.
The turning point was a few things, I got a boyfriend (who I'm still going out with in fact it is 29 months to this very day). I attempted to be feminine and girly and I hated it, in fact it was probably the worst year ever. I was depressed and had the self-esteem of nothing, everybody was more important to me, their happiness was more important than mine, I reckoned I was destined to be miserable. All the time that was going on I had this strange feeling that I wasn't right (I had got very good at denying that I was male by this point). I'd start to imagine the next day and I could only see myself as a boy, so I researched this as I thought I was going mad. I found FTMs again and this time it mentioned that liking boys was fine. Suddenly everything made sense, I made sense. I started to come out because I figured that people should know and I was starting to get happier, maybe I could grow up to be dad with a beard after all. I came out to Oliver first, I was his "girlfriend" so I figured he should know first, to this day neither of us can recall how I said it or how he reacted - so clearly it was fine. I picked my name and I recall my counsellor saying how much it suited me, Kim was really useful in finding me information. I wanted to be called Ethan at school about half a year after coming out, perhaps I was moving too fast, but I had known this for most of my life and I denied it for the majority of the time. That failed and I got rather depressed at my parents lack of understanding. I got another counsellor (one who didn't deal with LGBT kids) I had to debunk a few myths but apart from that he was great.
Still my parents don't get me, I just wrote all that and I see that as the "proof" they are looking for. The only proof I have is that I feel wrong, they should prove to me why they feel right with their gender and sex. I don't my body doesn't match my mind, it never will. Part of me wishes I could be born a boy but I learnt to accept that it will never happen and I'm fine. I am trans that is just a part of me, to my friends I'm male and it doesn't matter to them what I was before. They see me as Ethan and that is all I want, to be seen as who I am.
I guess I should try and see it from their point but I can't, I only see it as them trying to deny what is happening. I denied it for years so I only hope that like me, they will eventually come round to what this is. I know this isn't a phase, I denied it for years because I thought it was but I know it isn't. Right now I am glad for my extended "family" - the people who know that this isn't a phase and call me by my preferred name and pronouns. The people who actually respect me enough to do that.