I'm still alive! Mostly...
Well, it's been three years this time since my last post, and things have only gotten worse. I've been battling an ever growing depression since I came back to Texas from Denver in 2005. My mother died almost two years ago, and I was already in such a deep depression at that time that I couldn't even grieve properly for her. I cried like I've never cried before for about three days, but then the depression just numbed everything out, and the erosion of my life continued. It's been ups and downs with my depression over the years. Sometimes I'm okay and life is good, but then depression just seeps back in and I destroy everything I've built, like a child swatting at his tower of bricks.
My relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years ended recently because things had become so bad between us that we couldn't even be in the same room without arguing. I'll admit that my depression contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, but to be honest, the already bad relationship contributed to my depression. We just weren't compatible to begin with. I just finished moving out of our house in Austin two weeks ago. My mom left me her house when she died, so I've moved back to Temple. I've had my own bathtub refinishing company for the last 6 years, but it's really been feast or famine, and recently I can't even be bothered to call customers back, I've let my ads expire, and I haven't made a singe dime in a month. I'm 32 years old, and I feel like my life has fallen apart. Some days I can pep talk myself to get out of bed to do little things around the house, but mostly I just lay in bed till my bones hurt.
I feel trapped. I feel like I'm in a human shaped cage watching my life burn the ground around me, but I'm powerless to stop or change it. I know I want to do the things I know I should be doing to ensure my success, but I don't do them. Sometimes I sit on the couch in the dark thinking about what I should be doing, but I just keep sitting. I walk from one room to the other looking for answers, but I just get overwhelmed looking at the mess of boxes I still have yet to unpack from my former life in Austin.
As bad as all this probably sounds, I've actually been in a worse place mentally. The fact that I'm even writing this shows me that I at least have the hope to believe this can work for me like it has in the past. Writing in my journal and reading back at the happy person I was so many years ago actually helps me, or at least I hope it will again. There's so much that's happened in my life from 2005 till now, and I hope to break it down over time. This probably won't be a very light journal over the next few months, so I'll understand if no one reads these things. They are written for me anyway, as a way to expel the demons in my mind, and bleed the darkness out like a bloodletting.
I've always believed in taking medication as a last resort for anything, and so I've rebuked the thought of trying anti-depressants for a long time, but recently I'm thinking I may need to rethink that choice. I'm giving natural depression relief one more try before I go Dr. hunting. I've been reading a lot of self help books, depression books, and motivational books lately, and I feel like I know what to do, but I have yet to change my paradigm, so that's my next plan of attack. If I can program my subconscious mind to trigger new anti-depressant behaviors when old depression triggering habits fire up, I think I can change the way I deal with things, and eventually dig myself out of this hole. To be continued I guess...
My relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years ended recently because things had become so bad between us that we couldn't even be in the same room without arguing. I'll admit that my depression contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, but to be honest, the already bad relationship contributed to my depression. We just weren't compatible to begin with. I just finished moving out of our house in Austin two weeks ago. My mom left me her house when she died, so I've moved back to Temple. I've had my own bathtub refinishing company for the last 6 years, but it's really been feast or famine, and recently I can't even be bothered to call customers back, I've let my ads expire, and I haven't made a singe dime in a month. I'm 32 years old, and I feel like my life has fallen apart. Some days I can pep talk myself to get out of bed to do little things around the house, but mostly I just lay in bed till my bones hurt.
I feel trapped. I feel like I'm in a human shaped cage watching my life burn the ground around me, but I'm powerless to stop or change it. I know I want to do the things I know I should be doing to ensure my success, but I don't do them. Sometimes I sit on the couch in the dark thinking about what I should be doing, but I just keep sitting. I walk from one room to the other looking for answers, but I just get overwhelmed looking at the mess of boxes I still have yet to unpack from my former life in Austin.
As bad as all this probably sounds, I've actually been in a worse place mentally. The fact that I'm even writing this shows me that I at least have the hope to believe this can work for me like it has in the past. Writing in my journal and reading back at the happy person I was so many years ago actually helps me, or at least I hope it will again. There's so much that's happened in my life from 2005 till now, and I hope to break it down over time. This probably won't be a very light journal over the next few months, so I'll understand if no one reads these things. They are written for me anyway, as a way to expel the demons in my mind, and bleed the darkness out like a bloodletting.
I've always believed in taking medication as a last resort for anything, and so I've rebuked the thought of trying anti-depressants for a long time, but recently I'm thinking I may need to rethink that choice. I'm giving natural depression relief one more try before I go Dr. hunting. I've been reading a lot of self help books, depression books, and motivational books lately, and I feel like I know what to do, but I have yet to change my paradigm, so that's my next plan of attack. If I can program my subconscious mind to trigger new anti-depressant behaviors when old depression triggering habits fire up, I think I can change the way I deal with things, and eventually dig myself out of this hole. To be continued I guess...