i think
im turning into a slightly obsessive calorie counter. i've been 'dieting' since i got to santa rosa, except with lots of exceptions like pizza on sunday, an entire bottle of wine this weekend, big ass burritto lasat week with joe and lunch with the fams. but other than that i basically stick to slimfast (or something healthy like a garden burger) for lunch and then something decent for dinner. so im not *really* dieting considering ive pigged out quite a bit in the last week and two days, but somehow ive managed to loose some weight. i have no idea how much, and i decided not to even bother chekcing after joe's scaled told me i weight zero (i can never figure out when the right time to step on the thing!), but my pants are noticably looser. cool.
so now ive decided that if i can get as skinny as i once was (which totally isnt even skinny. when i last checked a scale i trusted i weighed 150.4, the lowest weight ive ever seen on a scale was 132 senior year of hs and i didnt really have regular access to a scale then so who knows..?) i am going to treat myself. not like i dont treat myself everday, but something more special than a few new/old shirts at crossroads. Although i do live in a town without crossroads right now and i taking a trip to sf to go to one...or all four, would be orgasmic. hmm...maybe ill reconsider. but right now i have something else in mind...like mindless sex with hot men. jk. although that seems like an awesome idea too. anyways, my treat to myself is a secret for now, but im sure someone will wrestle it out of me eventually.
in other news, i fucking hate dreams. ive been having really crazy ones recently, but mostly good crazy. but last night was a bit of a trip. i was at my home in san jose and my mom yelled at me while i was in the kitchen. she said jason was there to see me and he was just walking into the kitchen while i was screaming at my mom not to let him in. then he comes up to me and i run away to hang out at the mall with diane. jason fucking finds us, starts follwing us around and into an old navy trying to explain something to me. so i told him i dindt want to hear and explanations and that he should just leave. he was kind of frantic, i was very calm. so he starts to leave, and diane gives me a pat on the back to say good job and then all of the sudden i bolt to the front of the store and start yelling at him about how much of an ass he makes me feel and how i hate him for that. and then he says something jason-like. you know, something that always just gets me, and then i smile at him. and i just stand there smiling and then daine comes over and i start crying nad telling her im trapped again.
CANT HE JUST STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS!!!
it just bothers me, because, well other than hiccups, a big fear of mine has been for awhile seeing him or talking to him and automatically forgiving him after he says something that only him and i would get. he's done that a lot and im positive it wouldnt happen again consdiering ive only had contact with him in the last 8,9,months via that one aim convo and i shunned him like the ho-bag he is, but its such a scary thing knowing that someone out there knows all of your secrets (well past secrets i guess) and knows how to manipulate you so well. and also that if he came to your house, your mom would totally let him! fuck that shit. anyways, being angry after a dream is lame, but it was a trip and put me in a fowl mood for a bit of the day. and i apparently took it out on joe at work. sorry joe!
haha today at work i was walking down the stairs and in one of the stairwells this redhead doctor man (i think? well he was a man, but not positive about the dr part) was walking up. he had redhair (tbone he was so totally for you. ditch thomas and come to santa rosa asap and have his babies!!!) and he looks at me and smiles really big and says in a kind of "ho ho ho! im santa claus, but young and skinny!" voice (i hope that makes sense to someone other than myself) and said "why hello redhead!"
what the fuck do you say to that?
anyways it was really weird but kind of hilarious so i just laughed. i wish joe was there. joe, seriously you would have enjoyed it.
did i ever mention i live with three dogs??? three??!?!?!!!?? two big ones and one medium smallish. i dont like animals, but the little dog is my new favorite thing. im laying on my belly in bed right now and he is laying on my legs. seriouly, i think ive only liked three dogs in my life: 1. my sister's because i wanted to fatten it up plus i felt sorry for it having to live with gio, butch's dog because when we would sit on the kitchen floor after a long night of drinking she'd almost always come to me over him (it wasnt all just sex, people! we also played with bitches...haha), and this one. and thank god becuase this dog is staying. i'm glad he isnt mine though. i was actually considering buying a walmart fish, but decided not too. henry is enough of a responsibility for me. right now he's chilling out in a big margarita glass filled with hard candy and change and wearing a baseball hat. he's so cute. and orange.
so now ive decided that if i can get as skinny as i once was (which totally isnt even skinny. when i last checked a scale i trusted i weighed 150.4, the lowest weight ive ever seen on a scale was 132 senior year of hs and i didnt really have regular access to a scale then so who knows..?) i am going to treat myself. not like i dont treat myself everday, but something more special than a few new/old shirts at crossroads. Although i do live in a town without crossroads right now and i taking a trip to sf to go to one...or all four, would be orgasmic. hmm...maybe ill reconsider. but right now i have something else in mind...like mindless sex with hot men. jk. although that seems like an awesome idea too. anyways, my treat to myself is a secret for now, but im sure someone will wrestle it out of me eventually.
in other news, i fucking hate dreams. ive been having really crazy ones recently, but mostly good crazy. but last night was a bit of a trip. i was at my home in san jose and my mom yelled at me while i was in the kitchen. she said jason was there to see me and he was just walking into the kitchen while i was screaming at my mom not to let him in. then he comes up to me and i run away to hang out at the mall with diane. jason fucking finds us, starts follwing us around and into an old navy trying to explain something to me. so i told him i dindt want to hear and explanations and that he should just leave. he was kind of frantic, i was very calm. so he starts to leave, and diane gives me a pat on the back to say good job and then all of the sudden i bolt to the front of the store and start yelling at him about how much of an ass he makes me feel and how i hate him for that. and then he says something jason-like. you know, something that always just gets me, and then i smile at him. and i just stand there smiling and then daine comes over and i start crying nad telling her im trapped again.
CANT HE JUST STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS!!!
it just bothers me, because, well other than hiccups, a big fear of mine has been for awhile seeing him or talking to him and automatically forgiving him after he says something that only him and i would get. he's done that a lot and im positive it wouldnt happen again consdiering ive only had contact with him in the last 8,9,months via that one aim convo and i shunned him like the ho-bag he is, but its such a scary thing knowing that someone out there knows all of your secrets (well past secrets i guess) and knows how to manipulate you so well. and also that if he came to your house, your mom would totally let him! fuck that shit. anyways, being angry after a dream is lame, but it was a trip and put me in a fowl mood for a bit of the day. and i apparently took it out on joe at work. sorry joe!
haha today at work i was walking down the stairs and in one of the stairwells this redhead doctor man (i think? well he was a man, but not positive about the dr part) was walking up. he had redhair (tbone he was so totally for you. ditch thomas and come to santa rosa asap and have his babies!!!) and he looks at me and smiles really big and says in a kind of "ho ho ho! im santa claus, but young and skinny!" voice (i hope that makes sense to someone other than myself) and said "why hello redhead!"
what the fuck do you say to that?
anyways it was really weird but kind of hilarious so i just laughed. i wish joe was there. joe, seriously you would have enjoyed it.
did i ever mention i live with three dogs??? three??!?!?!!!?? two big ones and one medium smallish. i dont like animals, but the little dog is my new favorite thing. im laying on my belly in bed right now and he is laying on my legs. seriouly, i think ive only liked three dogs in my life: 1. my sister's because i wanted to fatten it up plus i felt sorry for it having to live with gio, butch's dog because when we would sit on the kitchen floor after a long night of drinking she'd almost always come to me over him (it wasnt all just sex, people! we also played with bitches...haha), and this one. and thank god becuase this dog is staying. i'm glad he isnt mine though. i was actually considering buying a walmart fish, but decided not too. henry is enough of a responsibility for me. right now he's chilling out in a big margarita glass filled with hard candy and change and wearing a baseball hat. he's so cute. and orange.