(no subject)
I've gone around my entire life, afraid of what other people would think of me. I wondered if I was liked. I was afraid that I wouldn't be accepted. I did everything that I had to to fit in. Then one day I looked up and realized that not only did I not fit in, I could no longer see myself. I had manipulated my image: bought the right clothes, listened to the right music, hung out with the right people and still I wasn't accepted. I didn't like myself very much. I didn't understand myself. I didn't know myself. I had spent so long assimilating myself to what other people liked that I didn't know what it was that I liked. Then one day my spanish TA suggested that I apply for the study abroad program. I don't know why, but packing my bags and going to a country that spoke a language I didn't know well at the time, a place where I knew no one and no one knew me sounded right. I applied and I was denied. Suddenly people I didn't even know knew me were writing letters to the coordinator of the program and she reviewed my file and let me in. She told me that I was denied because I didn't seem like I would fit with the group and I may have a hard time. I didn't know why she would think that, until I got to Mexico and met my fellow foreign exchange students. They were rich, spoiled, self-centered, self-involved and they had no intention of allowing me into their clique. For the very first time in my life I was alone. I didn't even have a group of misfits to fall back into as I had for so many years. I was miserable for my first few weeks. I had no one to keep me company but myself. I had nothing to do but think and write in my journal. I was forced to get to know me. I learned a lot in those 6 months. Besides Spanish, I learned that I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I learned that I'm a beautiful person, inside and out. I learned that I don't have to fit into their box, because being myself makes me happier and attracts people to me that I actually enjoy spending time with. Since that experience, I revel in my differences.
I started thinking about all of this because I find myself in this situation again. I'm faced with trying to fit into a group that I obviously do not or standing out and dealing with the ridicule. I'm not sure these are the kind of people I want to fit with. But I'm intrigued to know what I could learn from them. I wonder how I will fare if I throw myself into the snake pit. It's not that they are bad people, but they make me feel uneasy. They (like the spoiled white kids in Mexico) are doing everything in their power to make me feel unwanted. Part of me wants them to know that I don't shrink from personal challenges. Part of me wants to see where the good lies in them. Mexico didn't break me like that coordinator thought it would. Mexico made me who I am today. I guess I should see what this experience will reveal to me.
I started thinking about all of this because I find myself in this situation again. I'm faced with trying to fit into a group that I obviously do not or standing out and dealing with the ridicule. I'm not sure these are the kind of people I want to fit with. But I'm intrigued to know what I could learn from them. I wonder how I will fare if I throw myself into the snake pit. It's not that they are bad people, but they make me feel uneasy. They (like the spoiled white kids in Mexico) are doing everything in their power to make me feel unwanted. Part of me wants them to know that I don't shrink from personal challenges. Part of me wants to see where the good lies in them. Mexico didn't break me like that coordinator thought it would. Mexico made me who I am today. I guess I should see what this experience will reveal to me.