Cranky

[rhianna19]

My "sister" Bri is moving back in with us. At the moment, she's living with my brother, supposedly helping him get a web company up and running. The official story is that she's moving back in with us because he can no longer afford to support her. Unofficially, I've heard tell that it's because she spends about three hours a week working, and the

Comments

[rhianna19]

You're right, and I've known it the whole time, but she refuses help. She has no medical insurance, so my parents have offered to pay for therapy, counseling, drugs, anything she needs. They (and I, back when I still had a job) also offered up the money for her to legally change her name so she could get a job, which is what she said was the only thing holding her back, but it never happened.

I know she's really depressed; she has all the same symptoms I had when I was so depressed I wanted to die, but after a while I at least accepted help. She refuses to even let US do all the work to help her out. If something doesn't change, she'll be living in my parents' study till she's 80, playing computer games.

I know you're not making excuses for her, sweetie. I identify with her fully, having been through a lot of the same stuff before, and it's a lot of work to keep from sinking back into it. But I managed to pull out of it after a while, and I just want the same for her. Clearly coddling and sympathy and compassion are not working. The problem is, I don't know what will. We've tried everything we can think of, short of getting angry, throwing her out of the house, dragging her kicking and screaming to a therapist, etc.

But then she'd revert even more. You got any ideas?

Sorry for such a long reply. :)

[erebos]

Well, compassion she needs, but you can do that without coddling. Just let her know you understand she's not being a lazy, common slob. LOL. Still, it's easy to resent her state -- you just have to remember, her depression is beyond yours now, as it's clearly debilitating. We're talking another sphere entirely. Might she be willing to talk to someone professional?

May I ask how old she is? Maybe school might be a healthy option.

There's no question though that, in the end, you can't force a person to face their problems. Or rather, you can, but in this case it may lead to a total meltdown -- the likes of which you'll feel so guilty for provoking that it's really not worth it. The most difficult thing in the world is to get someone to face their problem, and I'm at a loss. All you can do is try and walk that thin line between letting her know you understand her emotional issues, yet feel she needs -- and is ABLE to -- empower herself and get stronger. Your dad is enabling her in the wrong ways. His heart is in the right place, but he's making the problem worse. He should lay down the law - gently -- and stress that she stay there only if she makes enough working to cover SOME of the costs of food and covers her own gas money, for example.

You know, just you being a sounding board for her -- just letting her talk and listening without judging or even offering hardcore advice -- that'll be half the battle. She obviously NEEDS someone to talk to. Maybe, in time, when she sees you won't attack her and you're willing just to listen, you can begin to make tentative suggestions -- going back to school, seeing professional help (no shame in that), etc...

Either way, good luck and know, you're both in my thoughts.

[rhianna19]

Oh, she knows she can talk to me without judgement. Everyone does. Every now and then, a friends' PARENT will call to talk to me about problems they have.

Problem is, she doesn't take advantage. I think she's so depressed that things are twisted in her head. Like, even though I've never judged her before, and don't judge anyone else, if she tells me something, suddenly I'll become this judgemental monster. She probably thinks nobody else has her problems and I won't get it.

You can ask anything you want. I'm an open book. :) She's in her mid-30's. I forget exactly how old. (One of my faults. I can't remember anyone's age.)

I'm not sure about school. She's a computer genius. She even had her own computer company back when she was still a guy, but it fell through when she, uh...came out, I guess would be the term.

She also has two children that she's not allowed to see or talk to. The ex-wife is basically a childlike party girl who doesn't care about anyone, least of all the kids, so they live with their grandparents. The grandfather is a scary, ex-military man who freaked out about the son-in-law turned daughter-in-law. He even refuses to let Bri call and say "merry christmas" to the kids. That's gotta be a big part of the problem. There's nothing we can do about that, though.

Professional help would be good, but we've already offered that, and she refuses. Or rather, she says ok, and then just keeps putting it off until we've given up on it.

And while dad is enabling in the wrong ways, I have to say, he's doing the best he can. She's not even his real kid. We just took her in when her real family disowned her. He's from a strict Baptist background. When my brother got an earring years ago, dad FREAKED OUT, saying he wasn't having a homo in his house, take that earring out NOW.

Now he's financially supporting a man-turned-woman from Wisconsin, and trying to help her out with her problems. I'd say he's doing pretty damn well. Obviously, the church influence is wearing off, thank goodness.

He did say, however, that when she got back, he'd talk to her and let her know that the new high speed connection is NOT for gaming, it's for work. So, we'll see how she takes that.

BTW, thanks for talking to me about this. It's helpful to at least get it off my chest so I don't take it out on Bri later on. :)

[erebos]

Wow, what a tangled web...

I sensed what the primary issue was, based on your intital post, but had no idea it got this complex. Suffice it to say, you're all doing about the best you can under the circumstances, truly. Especially you, trying to live a relatively normal life in the midst of all this and succeeding. And yes, venting here is better! LOL. Venting in private lj entries has helped me deal with a few difficult people in my life immensely of late.

Yeah, not to psychoanalyze Bri, but her defensiveness and twisting things around is a major byproduct of her issues ... and gods, does THAT sound familiar... grrrr. I just got out of a relationship with someone who did that (among other things) to me. To say it drove me crazy is an understatement.

You know, giving her time to settle and just being there for her -- and taking care of yourself in the process as well -- is the best you CAN do.

[rhianna19]

Oh, honey, I sympathize. My brother has been violently manic since birth. The name of his game was manipulation. It's difficult to have those people in your life. It's even more difficult to try and live your own life around them. We all got so sick of living with him, that my father actually pays bills for a second house for my brother so we don't have to deal with him on a daily basis.
I'm glad you realized what was going on with your relationship and got out.