(no subject)
So, University is going well, for the most part. Passed 2/4 courses this semester, have another 2 exams to write yet so we'll see how these go yet. Live on campus and in rez is... interesting. I share a shower and toilets with 30 girls on my floor. It's not as bad as it seems, I'm an evening shower-er so I havn't had any troubles with it :)
It's finals, so I'm super stressed. I've got an easier one in two days then a super difficult one a week tomorrow. I don't really know what to do about them... but I need a break for now.
So, drama and updates. Take a peek behind the cuts
University life
Okay, University's going pretty alright for the most part. Erm... tough, very much. I came in hoping to major in Physics, but since then have bounced my options around between transferring to get Biotechnology or better Physics professors, (I am unimpressed by the professors here) and settling for a Biology or Biochem degree here. The current plan of action is to major in Chemistry and minor in Math, but even that might change yet.
Oh, and to my disappointment they only have Japanese up to 200/201! I need two 300-level+ arts electives and I was really hoping to continue with Japanese, I simply love the language. I'm thinking of taking a summer semester at UBC Vancouver to get English 112 and Math 101 out of the way, that way I can do more interesting stuff during the year. They offer 300 in the summer, so I should be able to take it there, with any luck.
Bonus, I can live at home and work in the meantime, saving on food, rent, and earning money to pay for those nasty student loans I need to apply for...
Oh, but here I do have an excellent Co-Op program that I hope to get into. 3 semesters of work placement, in a feild related to my own. Super exciting~ Plus there's Go Global, where I can take a year/semester in a foreign University. I'm hoping to maybe take a semester or year in an english-speaking school in Japan, or maybe go somewhere in Europe. Exciting~
But yes. School is going good, and I am glad. Maybe I can do this university thing, after all!
Although it freaks the living daylights out of me every time I look around my fellow Science majors and realize... most of them are super Christian. Almost fundamental in many cases. They swear that the world was created six thousand years ago. I die a little inside every time I try and talk about anything having to do with the really interesting things happening in Physics. For instance, the Big Bang Theory. I sat through a lecture by a Nobel Prize winner last winter as he explained what science knows about the history of the Universe and how they know it. They have the history mapped out by periods of action right up to less than a second after the explosion itself, but besides that they're also learning all sorts of other things about the Universe. Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ImvlS8PLIo
Councelling, sunlight lamps and the remedy for seasonal depression.
So, I've been suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome (SADS) for years now... since about 7th grade, actually. I just don't get enough sunlight, and it caused my mood to get really, really out of whack. Usually I can't feel happiness or joy from mid-October through to May. This year, when I started feeling it in late September (SUPER EARLY) I went to the Health and Wellness centre here, and got help.
Best decision of my life. I've been begging and bothering my mom and dad for councelling for years to no avail. I went out and did it on my own and... I feel a lot better for it. The combination of the sunlight lamp and councelling has been wonderful, the sunlight lamp keeps my mood stable, balances me out, and gives me half an hour three times a week to sit and do... whatever I want. Be it nothing, homework, studying, or most often drawing doodles. Just as important as the councelling is 'me-time', which I either get a lot of, or none of in varying doses.
Councelling has been... interesting. It's helped, but I don't know if I like it. I cry a lot during it, lots of stuff gets dragged up that I havn't bothered with in years, or have pushed away. It felt good to finally tell someone what I went through in elementary school though, because although I tried to let people know about my situation, no one ever listened. Now someone is listening and I'm... okay, if not better for it. Most of the problems I have today seem to stem from it but hey, we are the sums of our experiences. I wouldn't be who I was today if not for what happened back then.
So yeah, other than that, there's been a lot of uncovering suppressed emotions, which isn't all that surprising. I tend not to feel a lot, generally. I'm... mellow, rarely excited, rarely upset or bothered. The last time I was angry was in middle school. I don't feel a lot, emotionally. That was, until I started to uncover it in councelling... now I'm feeling a lot more, and have no idea how to handle it.
Heartbreak, lovesickness and the lack of emotion.
So yes. Feelings. Tell me how that made you feel? For years, the answer would have been "I dunno" or "It didn't bother me". Now it's "I dunno" because I don't know what to call or how to describe what I feel, it's a chaotic cloud in my head that I'm not entirely sure what to do with or how to handle it, classify it, react to it. I need to re-learn what most people have grown up with, and... it's really, really hard.
Though with gaining emotions I've learned a few things. First, that I was, and am in love with someone. Deeply in love, more than anything I've ever felt. I always knew that I had affections for this person, but I wasn't sure that if they ever came to love me I would be able to love them back. Also, in honesty, the chances of them ever coming to love me had always been slim to none. Geography, lifestyle, and just... me would serve as too much of a barrier, above and beyond my emotional disconnect.
He will never love me. It's a knowledge that I was at peace with, able to accept, move on from and not think about. Now my emotions have been re-connected, and I'm experiencing a heartbreak I've never really felt before. He will never love me and the sheer sense of loss, sadness... pain that I've never felt before nearly brings me to tears and has brought me to tears on many, many occasions in the past while. I recognize that I've been in love with him for years now, since highschool at least, and have known him for even longer. I think the move, both in Geography and to University has put a schizm between us, one that I want to bridge but... I don't know how. And I don't think he wants to. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about that.
Anyhow, I'll get over it. I was almost over it before I got in touch with my emotions, if that's any guide to the depth of my love for him. It's almost masochistic, really. I've known him for years and even though we're apart and the distance might heal me... I don't want it to. I want to keep contact, as hard as it is. I want to be there to support him and stand by him, no matter what. Even as I suspect he's now with another person I don't care. We were never lovers, but we were good, if not great friends. I don't want to lose that friendship.
But most of all, I don't want him to forget me, because I'll definately never forget him.
So yes, there it is, my life up to date... at least the dramatic bits of it. But that's usually what makes it here, the drama. Normal stuff doesn't erk me enough to need to spread it ;P
Blah~
It's finals, so I'm super stressed. I've got an easier one in two days then a super difficult one a week tomorrow. I don't really know what to do about them... but I need a break for now.
So, drama and updates. Take a peek behind the cuts
University life
Okay, University's going pretty alright for the most part. Erm... tough, very much. I came in hoping to major in Physics, but since then have bounced my options around between transferring to get Biotechnology or better Physics professors, (I am unimpressed by the professors here) and settling for a Biology or Biochem degree here. The current plan of action is to major in Chemistry and minor in Math, but even that might change yet.
Oh, and to my disappointment they only have Japanese up to 200/201! I need two 300-level+ arts electives and I was really hoping to continue with Japanese, I simply love the language. I'm thinking of taking a summer semester at UBC Vancouver to get English 112 and Math 101 out of the way, that way I can do more interesting stuff during the year. They offer 300 in the summer, so I should be able to take it there, with any luck.
Bonus, I can live at home and work in the meantime, saving on food, rent, and earning money to pay for those nasty student loans I need to apply for...
Oh, but here I do have an excellent Co-Op program that I hope to get into. 3 semesters of work placement, in a feild related to my own. Super exciting~ Plus there's Go Global, where I can take a year/semester in a foreign University. I'm hoping to maybe take a semester or year in an english-speaking school in Japan, or maybe go somewhere in Europe. Exciting~
But yes. School is going good, and I am glad. Maybe I can do this university thing, after all!
Although it freaks the living daylights out of me every time I look around my fellow Science majors and realize... most of them are super Christian. Almost fundamental in many cases. They swear that the world was created six thousand years ago. I die a little inside every time I try and talk about anything having to do with the really interesting things happening in Physics. For instance, the Big Bang Theory. I sat through a lecture by a Nobel Prize winner last winter as he explained what science knows about the history of the Universe and how they know it. They have the history mapped out by periods of action right up to less than a second after the explosion itself, but besides that they're also learning all sorts of other things about the Universe. Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ImvlS8PLIo
Councelling, sunlight lamps and the remedy for seasonal depression.
So, I've been suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome (SADS) for years now... since about 7th grade, actually. I just don't get enough sunlight, and it caused my mood to get really, really out of whack. Usually I can't feel happiness or joy from mid-October through to May. This year, when I started feeling it in late September (SUPER EARLY) I went to the Health and Wellness centre here, and got help.
Best decision of my life. I've been begging and bothering my mom and dad for councelling for years to no avail. I went out and did it on my own and... I feel a lot better for it. The combination of the sunlight lamp and councelling has been wonderful, the sunlight lamp keeps my mood stable, balances me out, and gives me half an hour three times a week to sit and do... whatever I want. Be it nothing, homework, studying, or most often drawing doodles. Just as important as the councelling is 'me-time', which I either get a lot of, or none of in varying doses.
Councelling has been... interesting. It's helped, but I don't know if I like it. I cry a lot during it, lots of stuff gets dragged up that I havn't bothered with in years, or have pushed away. It felt good to finally tell someone what I went through in elementary school though, because although I tried to let people know about my situation, no one ever listened. Now someone is listening and I'm... okay, if not better for it. Most of the problems I have today seem to stem from it but hey, we are the sums of our experiences. I wouldn't be who I was today if not for what happened back then.
So yeah, other than that, there's been a lot of uncovering suppressed emotions, which isn't all that surprising. I tend not to feel a lot, generally. I'm... mellow, rarely excited, rarely upset or bothered. The last time I was angry was in middle school. I don't feel a lot, emotionally. That was, until I started to uncover it in councelling... now I'm feeling a lot more, and have no idea how to handle it.
Heartbreak, lovesickness and the lack of emotion.
So yes. Feelings. Tell me how that made you feel? For years, the answer would have been "I dunno" or "It didn't bother me". Now it's "I dunno" because I don't know what to call or how to describe what I feel, it's a chaotic cloud in my head that I'm not entirely sure what to do with or how to handle it, classify it, react to it. I need to re-learn what most people have grown up with, and... it's really, really hard.
Though with gaining emotions I've learned a few things. First, that I was, and am in love with someone. Deeply in love, more than anything I've ever felt. I always knew that I had affections for this person, but I wasn't sure that if they ever came to love me I would be able to love them back. Also, in honesty, the chances of them ever coming to love me had always been slim to none. Geography, lifestyle, and just... me would serve as too much of a barrier, above and beyond my emotional disconnect.
He will never love me. It's a knowledge that I was at peace with, able to accept, move on from and not think about. Now my emotions have been re-connected, and I'm experiencing a heartbreak I've never really felt before. He will never love me and the sheer sense of loss, sadness... pain that I've never felt before nearly brings me to tears and has brought me to tears on many, many occasions in the past while. I recognize that I've been in love with him for years now, since highschool at least, and have known him for even longer. I think the move, both in Geography and to University has put a schizm between us, one that I want to bridge but... I don't know how. And I don't think he wants to. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about that.
Anyhow, I'll get over it. I was almost over it before I got in touch with my emotions, if that's any guide to the depth of my love for him. It's almost masochistic, really. I've known him for years and even though we're apart and the distance might heal me... I don't want it to. I want to keep contact, as hard as it is. I want to be there to support him and stand by him, no matter what. Even as I suspect he's now with another person I don't care. We were never lovers, but we were good, if not great friends. I don't want to lose that friendship.
But most of all, I don't want him to forget me, because I'll definately never forget him.
So yes, there it is, my life up to date... at least the dramatic bits of it. But that's usually what makes it here, the drama. Normal stuff doesn't erk me enough to need to spread it ;P
Blah~