good grief
i am so tired of everything. i wish i was graduating this year so i could move on, past everything that bellville ever reminds me of. all of my troubles are orbiting around Austin. i NEED to break up with him, for ME. but i know i won't. i know i should, but i won't. i am too dependent on ALWAYS having someone there. we're probably going to break up tonight; and i will be MISERABLE. he told me last night to 'do whatever i wanna do'.. well.. if i did that then i would hit him in the stomach over and over and over and OVER again until he cried as many tears as i wasted on him. i wish that tonight; whenever God gives me the strength to stand up to Austin and for the 3rd time in the past week express my hurt to him, i wish that i wouldn't cry. i don't want to cry. but i'm sensitive.. so i will. i think his family hates me.. because i'm not like an outspoken person.. i don't just walk up to ADULTS that i don't know and carry on a conversation.. they probably all think that i am stuck up and rude and bitchy.. but i'm just shy. i really hope that Austin stands up for me whenever his family talk about me. i have NO TRUST in Austin.. i don't trust that he really loves me like he says he does, i don't trust that he'll do the right thing, ever.. i don't trust that he tells me the truth ever. i keep pressuring him to tell me what's been bothering him and why he has been acting differently but maybe he has told me, in a round about way, maybe.. him ignoring me is really him saying he just doesn't care.. i wish he had all the right answers but he doesn't.. and maybe he REALLY doesn't know.. but i need to know.. i NEED those answers.. i don't deserve all of this suffering he pretty much puts me through. of coarse most of it is me over-analyzing things and shit.. well.. last night whenever Chris Peschal told me that he believed Austin only dated me for sex, a red flag went up.. i shouldn't be with him. don't get me wrong: i know that's not why he's with me ultimately.. maybe lately.. but we don't do it everyday.. we don't even do it every month. but regardless when we do it and how much; people think that he is using me and i don't want people to think that.. that's horrible. can you imagine how used i feel? it hurts whenever people say that because then i look like a complete dumbass. i look blind and stupid like i'm hanging onto Austin even though he doesn't really like me.. so until he can show other people that he's with me NOT for sex, and until he can show me that he WANTS to be with me.. and that he WANTS me there.. like he was earlier in our relationship.. then he can get along well enough without me.
i talked to JT until like 3:45 on the phone last night (well, he called me at 3.. so it was only 45 minutes) but.. i miss him a bunch. i could never do long-distance relationships in highschool though. too much stuff goes on and i'm not trusting enough. i have trust issues. but i miss him, :( i am sad now.
i talked to JT until like 3:45 on the phone last night (well, he called me at 3.. so it was only 45 minutes) but.. i miss him a bunch. i could never do long-distance relationships in highschool though. too much stuff goes on and i'm not trusting enough. i have trust issues. but i miss him, :( i am sad now.