life as such that it is...
well this is gonna be a long one i got heaps to talk about...so please bear with me...now its just about where to start...okay well we will start with me, i have made a lot of choices lately, wether they are right or wrong they are my choices and i made them when and how i made them according to the situation...this is all leading up to the next bit of info...well for those that read my last journal, i said my mum was sick, well we found out what i wrong with her...i belive i said in my last post but they found two massive lumps in her chest, they are right at her lungs and her heart...well the bad news is they are massive, and pressing against her lungs, making her sleep apnia even worse, meaning its very dangerous for her to even sleep right now, but on top of that the two lumps are cancerous...and they cant really operate to remove them because of there location, and my great grandmother had cancer and my mother took care of her while she was getting chemo... and my mother refuses to have chemo... the doctor says theres new medicines and all but really we just arent too sure...its been a very hard time around her lately, and if it wasnt for my best friend i would be in a mental home right now...i mean like dealing with my mums demon right now, im trying to deal with my own, im trying to reclaim my life, im trying to to just get my life back... i want to get a job (look i know i had a job at the cafe but the deal is this... that place was nasty it was a food poison haven, and just nasty and it needed closed down and im sorry i couldnt work in the conditonds they were)....i am trying to pull myself away from my family (which this thing with my mum kinda puts a kink in the plan) and the reason i am trying to pull myself away from my family you ask? Well good question, so here goes... growing up, i was the responsible one in my family, my mother wasnt on her meds for her bi polar and if she was it didnt matter she was drunk all the time, and my father, he never had time for me...his father walked out on him and his brother and sister and my grandma, when my dad was younger and my fathers hated him from that day on, but you know my father actually did the same with me, he emotioanlly abandoned me, he was never there and his excuse was he needed to make a living and take care of us, well thats fine but there are plenty of other fathers out there who can support there families and still raise there children...but thats neither here nor there...so yeah, but for the last 24 years i have tried and tried to get some attention from him...and everytime i was rejected, because hes emotioanlly devoid well not to my younger 10 year sister...again neither here nor there...but now all of a sudden he feels he wants to be part of my life, but he wants me to come to him and talk to him and for me to put forth all the effort, and i wont do it....thats unacceptable...i feel that hes the one thats made themistake hes the one thats pushed me away so many times that hes finally pushed me too far away.. and so now he needs to come to me... i doubt it will happen, but i guess we will see... in any event, that was my life growing up, i learned to cook for myself when i was 8 years old, and hey, alls i could start out with cooking was eggs, and so thats about all i ate, cause it was all i could cook, i did teach myself how to cook for the most part though...and i had to learn to fend for myself rather quickly, yeah i had moments of reprive when i lived with my aunt and uncle *may god rest there souls in eternal peace forever and ever amen* and occasionally staying with my grandparents, but for th emost part i was left to my own devices with my parents...when i was 14 and my sister was born, i was no longer the only child, when i was 14 i had my own child...my mother was sick, my father always at work...so i had to become father/mother to my sister...till this day i still have that role and i really just wish i could be a big brother instead of a father.mother figure to her...i was in 9th grade when she was born, and in all honesty im suprised i didnt fail that year of school because not only did i have surgery to get my tonsils removed, but i also broke my ankle so bad i wasnt even allowed to go to school so that was 6 weeks alone...but i missed over half the school year, because i had to stay home to take care of my sister the majority of the time...i mean ive literally carried my family my whole life, and my shoulders are now starting to sag under the weight, i can no longer do it, they need to start standing on there own 2 feet...my family yells at me because i wanna have my own life and i wanna leave here because they dont understand that there is nothing here in this place for me but pain and anguish and grief...but they dont feel that its right i have my own life, they want me to stay because they need me...well all that i can say to that is where were they when i needed them? i am the person that i am today because i am who i made myself, i raised myself, i taught myself right from wrong i am who i am because i chose to be this way, because this is how i raised myself, and i feel i did a damn good job... but in conjuction with that it took a lot to get me where i am, and there is one special person who helped me the most along this path...but i digress again... i was very irresponsible from the ages of id say 18 until about 22... but i lashed out the because i knew i could, because i never had a childhood, because i always had one responsibilty or another growing up wether it was cleaning up my mother and her puke when she would come home so drunk and pass out in her own pile of vomit to obviously raising a child to even basically maintiaing a household way ahead of my time... when i turned 18 i felt i oucld be free, i felt that i could do what i wanted when i wanted, and so i became very irresponsible...amassed debts, and so forth and so on...and now ive claimed me responsibility of those years when i didnt have any...its hard especially with all else going on...i think i need to just take a few days and get away, to clear my head this is all so hard to deal with right now...i love my mother and i forgave her a long time ago for her sins, because my mother has changed, what makes it so hard to care and try to trust my father is because he hasnt changed...like i said my head would clear if i could get away from the situaion for a few days but i really dont have anywhere to even go...i guess in time things will become clear...anyways.. all comments will be welcome if anyone would like to take a crack at trying to make some sense of this with me... thanks