RANTING HERE so that I avoid plaquing my Myspace with my stupid shit..
So, yeah, today has been fairly shitty.. and I am getting SO very stressed out. I don't think I can handle the increasing degree of it much longer. I feel like breaking down and crying, but then I know its just stupid, over stupid shit, and not going to help anything.. besides the building stress. Even so, it would be back within 5 minutes. I REALLY JUST need to get through the next 6 weeks and I'm good. Until then, I just don't know. The really unhelpful thing is that EVERYTHING seems to revolve aroud this past month, October, and the first half of November.
In October I have to help my grandfather once or twice with races, take the SATs, work, go to school, catch up and finnish two of my online classes, schedule a dentist appointment, wisdom tooth and tonsel consultations, and go for each of the operations, apply to 4 schools (well I would wait until November, but I will keep putting it off), and of course keep up with my grades and endless household chores, which, keep increasing because I am the fucking slave who can have anything pinned on her and be forced to do it so nobody else does (I feel like Cinderella before the ball)
..OH, and.. I have to set up the Haunted House thing and do that.. and there's trick or treating.
Then, in November, I am riding in a horse show, timing another few races with my grandfather probably, turning 18, I am invited to a babyshower, and of course voting and Thanksgiving.
Finally, things will slow down dramatically, the things I am regularly doing now that will diminish are the Haunted house, college stress (hopefully), 2/3 of my online work, work will be so basic it is crazy, and we will be starting work later, and I will have nomore pre-18 shit to organize.
Art is going to drive me off the wall I can tell you now. I have no motivation to do anything with clay, as much as I have tried to do it anyways. My 2-d shit is fucking bullshit, I hate it, and I am so self-conscious about doing it in front of people, or letting them see it.
My online classes are all behind, and I am finding so many obstacles in my way of doing them.
Then, there's the whole friend situation, which, is continuing to stress the shit out of me. I feel like I have not much in the way of anybody to really talk to. I have one class with any good friends in it, Art, and they are all being friends with everyone else in there. The Chris kid drives me CRAZY, I really dislike him, but everyone else thinks he is the greatest thing in the world. Besides any of this shit, everyone has been fucking attacking how I dress.. WTF? I am who I am, I have been wearing the same kind of clothes for a LONG ASS TIME, and it is what I am comfortable with. I am sorry that I don't show off my figure by wearing tight shirts and tight jeans. Thats not how I want to attract attention. I don't know who some of the people who have said shit about this to me in art think they are, but they can FUCK OFF. I come to school clean (or at least as clean as I can be after working at a barn in the mornings) and I don't bitch at them about their 'fasion'. I can't hang out with anybody because I totally lack the availability factor, and some people are using this against me, which pisses me off. I am feeling cursed when it comes to guys as far as how damn far away they live, and whether they have a girlfriend. I want to like somebody, but there is no one, gawd, I want it so badly.
Then, to top everything off, I found out today that my cousin, an IB student and the only one of her 'direct' family who REALLY seemed to have everything togehter attempted suicide like a week ago.
In October I have to help my grandfather once or twice with races, take the SATs, work, go to school, catch up and finnish two of my online classes, schedule a dentist appointment, wisdom tooth and tonsel consultations, and go for each of the operations, apply to 4 schools (well I would wait until November, but I will keep putting it off), and of course keep up with my grades and endless household chores, which, keep increasing because I am the fucking slave who can have anything pinned on her and be forced to do it so nobody else does (I feel like Cinderella before the ball)
..OH, and.. I have to set up the Haunted House thing and do that.. and there's trick or treating.
Then, in November, I am riding in a horse show, timing another few races with my grandfather probably, turning 18, I am invited to a babyshower, and of course voting and Thanksgiving.
Finally, things will slow down dramatically, the things I am regularly doing now that will diminish are the Haunted house, college stress (hopefully), 2/3 of my online work, work will be so basic it is crazy, and we will be starting work later, and I will have nomore pre-18 shit to organize.
Art is going to drive me off the wall I can tell you now. I have no motivation to do anything with clay, as much as I have tried to do it anyways. My 2-d shit is fucking bullshit, I hate it, and I am so self-conscious about doing it in front of people, or letting them see it.
My online classes are all behind, and I am finding so many obstacles in my way of doing them.
Then, there's the whole friend situation, which, is continuing to stress the shit out of me. I feel like I have not much in the way of anybody to really talk to. I have one class with any good friends in it, Art, and they are all being friends with everyone else in there. The Chris kid drives me CRAZY, I really dislike him, but everyone else thinks he is the greatest thing in the world. Besides any of this shit, everyone has been fucking attacking how I dress.. WTF? I am who I am, I have been wearing the same kind of clothes for a LONG ASS TIME, and it is what I am comfortable with. I am sorry that I don't show off my figure by wearing tight shirts and tight jeans. Thats not how I want to attract attention. I don't know who some of the people who have said shit about this to me in art think they are, but they can FUCK OFF. I come to school clean (or at least as clean as I can be after working at a barn in the mornings) and I don't bitch at them about their 'fasion'. I can't hang out with anybody because I totally lack the availability factor, and some people are using this against me, which pisses me off. I am feeling cursed when it comes to guys as far as how damn far away they live, and whether they have a girlfriend. I want to like somebody, but there is no one, gawd, I want it so badly.
Then, to top everything off, I found out today that my cousin, an IB student and the only one of her 'direct' family who REALLY seemed to have everything togehter attempted suicide like a week ago.